Default Position

This has been an interesting month for me to say the least, but a bit scary as well. I joined Weight Watchers and that became my focus for the first 3 or 4 weeks. But shortly things began to change in me. I was and am seeing changes that, to be honest, I have never seen or felt before. Food has slowly moved from my focus without me really realizing it. I decided before I joined that I had to make this change and it had to be something that was going to change for the rest of my life. I know that sounds kind of cliché but it is true. I have said it a hundred times but this time I meant it. I have said in previous entries that I began to pray at night and in the morning for the strength to make it through that day. I am still doing that. But even through it all and feeling different I was afraid to say out loud how I really felt. I was afraid that if I put words to it that it would go away. That I would somehow jinx it by saying out loud that for the first time in my life chocolate did not have a magnetic sway over me or that cookies did not call to me from the cookie isle. I feared my mere words would undo what I was grasping for and craving to maintain on the inside. This morning I stepped on the scale and it said that I have lost 15.6 pounds. No idea what the WW scale will say and don't really care. And as I was stepping into the shower I realized that it was time that I claimed this journey. This is my journey. God is delivering me from this addiction and this is mine! I need to realize that I can rejoice in what is being given to me and not be afraid of saying it out loud for fear of it being taken away. For whatever reason, right now, right here it is my time to let go of the food. To accept that life is more important. Friends are more important. Health is more important. God is showing me that and gave me the peace to claim that for myself this morning. For years I have heard people use that term "claim it" and never understood what they meant by that, but this morning I did. I am not pumping my chest out as if I have done anything spectaculor on my own or that I am more deserving that anyone else. But for whatever reason, it is my time and He is allowing me this time to learn this lesson right now. I was listening to a preacher from the church I attended Sunday talk about their bible reading. They are reading teh bible in a year. In my effort to thank God for what He is giving me I thought I would listen and make the effort to read with them. I went back and wrote something he said word for word because it was so powerful and I felt it spoke directly to me and is the title of this entry. My food has been my default position but it will not be any longer, and for that I thank God. I don't want my fear of change or my unwillingness to claim what He wants for me to ever limit me again. The following is what he said: When you are under press what is your default position? Where do you want to go back to? If it is anything other than a greater trust in God it limits your future. Ask the Holy Spiritto help you rewrite the default position of your life. It will change the potential of your life.

Yes I will have some of that, thank you.

I went to lunch with a friend yesterday which opened my eyes a little.  Before going we had the normal volley of email asking "where do you want to go?"  "I don't know, where do you want to go?"  "Where can we go now that you are on a diet?"  Hit the brakes sister, what did you say?  Now that I am on a diet?  I just let it pass and realized she still didn't get it even though we had been talking about her joining Weight Watchers as well. We decide on Wendy's.  Cool, I can work with that.  I look up the website and figure out how many points everything is and get my game plan together.  Luckily fries are not my weak point and I can pass them up.  I would rather have a baked potato any day but even that I can forego.  Grilled chicken sandwich light on the honey mustard, 9 points; side salad, 0 points; pomegranate vinaigrett 1 point (I only used half the pack).  My whole lunch for 10 points I can do this with my eyes closed.  I was making sure that I saved my points for dinner since I was already planning on having pizza with my husband. 

We sit down to eat.  I put my dressing on my salad and she assembles her apple, chicken, pecan salad.  I give her props, she did buy a salad in an effort to eat better.  But what most people don't realize is that restaurant salads are often just as bad for you as any other meal.  Her salad by the time she got done with it had almost as many points as a burger and fries.  I am sure that her arteries fared better because of it, but her wasteline probably did not.  But, the effort was there. 

My point to the post is the statement that followed.  She stated that I was so dedicated and doing so well on my "diet".  I could tell that she is still seeing this as something you do for a short time to get some weight off and then you return to your old ways.  I told her that no, this is what I have to do from now on.  I am eating exactly what I want when I want it but staying within healthy guidlines.  I am eating lighter at lunch because I have it planned to have pizza for dinner.  If I want to spend the majority of my points on lasagna at lunch then I will do that and eat grilled fish and a salad for dinner.  If I want to splurge and have a hot fudge sundae then I will and adjust some where else.  I am a food addict and I am obese and these are the facts of who I am that I have to work with.  My past eating habits got me here.  I have to change that and I am doing so.  I will have to eat this way the rest of my life not just for a while.  It will probably take me 2 to 3 years to realistically get my weight off, but I am ok with that.  As long as I am continuing to get healthier and that number continues to creep down then all is good.

It is funny that I find it hard to believe that she can't see the reality that I can see so clearly, but then I realize that before now I was her.  I can't count the number of times I started a "diet" only to go back off of it within weeks.  I never, before now, decided to change my lifestyle.  For whatever reason, I am thankful that it has clicked in my brain and I pray every day that God will give me the strength that day to remain on this path and headed toward my goal.

Hearing and Listening...are they the same?

I have been talking with a friend of mine about hearing a listening and whether or not they are the same.  I say that they are not.  If you have ever been married you would agree.  I guess if you have kids you would agree as well.  When it comes to my weight loss and the process by which I have to keep my mind, body and soul in check to continue down that road, it takes me to listen to do so.  I find myself, even today, hearing but not listening.  I lost 1.2 pounds at my weigh-in today and I was disappointed at first.  How many times have I said to others that as long as that scale is  moving down it is a good thing.  But then I get on the scale and since it does not reflect the 2.4 that my scale did this morning I am disappointed.  I am in no way listening to myself at all.  I can encourage others all day long and truly mean it when saying it to them, but don't listen to myself.  I hear what the leader at our meetings say, but am I listening?  I even hear my body telling me that it feels better, but am I listening?  Think about this.  Not just in weight loss but in many aspects of life.  Are you listening or just hearing.  Chances are you are just hearing.  Today I have stopped and listened to the silence around me and allowed myself to listen and try to take in what my body and those around me are saying.  Yes, I feel better.  Yes, I have done a wonderful job eating better and getting 13.2 pounds of fat off my body that otherwise would still be riding around on my knees.  Yes, I am doing the right thing in changing my way of eating for life because without it I don't know how many years I will be given.  Yes, my husband is benefiting from our changed eating habits.  And most of all, yes, my friends are right that I don't ever need to be down on myself if the numbers on a piece of metal don't relfect a number that I think it should.  I will do my best to always listen instead of simply hearing no matter how hard that task is.  And I pray that my friends and family have patience with me as I try to retrain my brain to do so.