"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
I just read this verse in a book I am reading. I can't explain the feeling that this gives me as I continue to move forward on my journey and as I look back on where I have been. I think one of the things that haunts me when I make bad food choices or when I gain or don't loose weight is that I have disappointed God. I ask for His strength every day to get me through this day and thank Him every night for protecting me and providing me the tools I needed that day. But during some days I make my own decisions to eat however I chose and in turn disappoint Him. It is one thing to disappoint myself or to disappoint my WW buddy or even my leader at the meeting, but it is a whole other thing to disappoint God. I have disappointed myself many times in the past when trying to lose weight so I know what that feels like. Usually that is followed by me giving up and gaining the weight back. But disappointing God... that is something different all together. Don't get me wrong. I know that God realizes that we are human and at the very core of who we are we are sinful people and that He forgives us when we ask for forgiveness. But I know what it felt like to disappoint my father. I never wanted to disappoint my father when he was alive. That was the last thing in the world I ever wanted to see, was the look of disappointment on his face. I think I could stand anger and a beating many times over the look of disappointment. So why and how can I continue to disappoint God? Why do I consciously make the decisions I do to walk out from under His protection and walk my own path when He has a protected path laid out for me? That is why I am on this journey. That is why I continue to read, blog and pray so that I can figure that answer out and find out how this works for me. I think I will also keep this verse close to me to remind me that He always holds me up.
Never before on any previous journey have I asked Him to help me. Never before have I prayed daily and throughout the day that He give me strength to just get me through. Never have I been so diligent about the fact that I alone do not have the strength to do this. I will surely fail, but with His strength I think I can make it. I don't know where I will be a year from now. I don't know what I will weigh or what I will look like, but I know that God is working on me and I know that my faith and soul won't look the same, He is making sure of that.
In the book I am reading she asks, following the verse I listed at the top, how can you let God down when you weren't hold Him up? I will have to think on that one. But while I am, I will continue to Trust My Journey.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Just a little Lost
A friend of mine put this on his facebook recently, "The more intensely we feel about an idea or goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment." I too believe this is true. As much as I am struggling right now I do believe this is true. I just have to figure out how to reach that goal and beat back the human side of me that is trying every way possibl to sabatage this journey I am trying to follow.
When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement. It was a statement that I was afraid to make. I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways. I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss. I felt I had to do it. I had to state that it was mine or it never would be. I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it. Well, I was happy to say that I continued. I was getting stronger. Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW). I was moving right along. I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky. I was proud of myself. I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds. I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world. If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling? Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?
The last post I made I stated what I was feeling. I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not? I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me. I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it. So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone. It was no longer controlling my day. I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to. I do feel that God has brought me this far. I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce. But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing. Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot. I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back. I feel lost and incomplete. I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for. I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago. I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this." Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control. I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.
The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better. That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go. I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today.
I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed. One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway. "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart." I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel.
I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippian 3:12
You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say. Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.
When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement. It was a statement that I was afraid to make. I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways. I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss. I felt I had to do it. I had to state that it was mine or it never would be. I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it. Well, I was happy to say that I continued. I was getting stronger. Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW). I was moving right along. I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky. I was proud of myself. I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds. I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world. If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling? Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?
The last post I made I stated what I was feeling. I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not? I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me. I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it. So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone. It was no longer controlling my day. I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to. I do feel that God has brought me this far. I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce. But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing. Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot. I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back. I feel lost and incomplete. I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for. I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago. I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this." Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control. I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.
The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better. That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go. I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today.
I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed. One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway. "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart." I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel.
I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippian 3:12
You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say. Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.
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