A friend of mine put this on his facebook recently, "The more intensely we feel about an idea or goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment." I too believe this is true. As much as I am struggling right now I do believe this is true. I just have to figure out how to reach that goal and beat back the human side of me that is trying every way possibl to sabatage this journey I am trying to follow.
When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement. It was a statement that I was afraid to make. I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways. I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss. I felt I had to do it. I had to state that it was mine or it never would be. I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it. Well, I was happy to say that I continued. I was getting stronger. Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW). I was moving right along. I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky. I was proud of myself. I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds. I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world. If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling? Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?
The last post I made I stated what I was feeling. I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not? I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me. I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it. So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone. It was no longer controlling my day. I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to. I do feel that God has brought me this far. I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce. But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing. Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot. I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back. I feel lost and incomplete. I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for. I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago. I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this." Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control. I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.
The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better. That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go. I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today.
I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed. One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway. "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart." I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel.
I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippian 3:12
You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say. Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.
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