Mary did you know?

This song touches me in ways today that it never did in years past.  To think that she was holding the very son of God in her arms.  When she would kiss her baby boy she was kissing the face of God.  A God whom we know that to be in direct presence of the bible tells us His magnificence would kill us.  Humans do not have the ability to look upon Him, but she was holding Him in her arms.  What did it feel like to carry Him within herself for nine months?  I am not a mother so I don't fully know what it feels like to be pregnant or to have a child, but that thought overwhelms me.  It was truly a miracle.

Hearing that song makes me think of miracles.  I have heard people talk of miracles my whole life.  You read of miracles in the bible and you know that they happened.  You know that Jesus performed miracles from the accounts that have been given.  But I will confess something that I am ashamed to admit, I don't think I truly believed that miracles existed in our modern day.  I know that people would say that they had seen a miracle or that they would pray for a miracle.  But I really didn't believed that any of what they thought was a miracle was truly a miracle.  Miracles just did not exist in our modern times.  That was something that was created for a time prior to us, those happened in biblical time, a time far removed from us.  I use the word believed in the past tense because I have seen some things in the past couple of weeks that have opened my eyes to make me a believer.

When we think of miracles, we think of the blind being made to see, the leper being healed or the dead being brought back to life.  But in our times miracles might not be done in such obvious ways in front of large crowds like Jesus did and maybe that is what I was missing in my unbelief.  Today's miracles might take place in pawn shops, restaurants, Walmart or doctor's offices without others even knowing that they are happening.

The miracles I want to share are part of a larger story that I have not been able to write about yet.  Me and a friend adopted a family for Christmas and through that God has shown me how He does work miracles in our daily lives if we let Him.  The family we adopted has 4 children and 1 on the way and we had no idea how our meger provisions were going to go far enough to provide.  But we felt like we were doing what God wanted and He would provide if we were obedient.  Once we accepted the task God gave us He began His work through us and stopped at nothing short of miracles.  They may never be recorded in a book that will be read by millions thousands of years from now, but miracles they remain. 

We had no idea where to start so we asked for a list.  I have to admit, I was lost and had no idea how we were going to do this.  There were things on that list, most of it, that I had never heard of.  And after checking it out realized that most of the big items were expensive.  But we were going to trust that God would provide.  Even though it wasn't on the list, we began discussing a Wii system.  My house was burglarized in August and they got my Wii but not my Wii Fit board or a few of my games.  That began our decision to get them a Wii to go with what I have.  We went to a pawn shop to talk to a friend that we have made there to see what was possible.  God was with us and worked his first miracle there.  Let's just say that we now have the system, Wii fit board and 6 - 10 games and accesories depending on how many come from various people who have offered them for a fraction of what they should have cost.  That same day, a friend of ours was at lunch with us and talked to us about what we were doing.  Later that day she texted one of us asking what sizes they wear.  We had not asked her to help, but upon talking to her husband he insisted that he wanted to help and buy some clothes.  Wow, God was there in that restaurant with us working a miracle through her.  We thought that they would buy a couple things.  No, they got 3 of the kids 2 complete outfits each.  They are now wrapped and ready to go.  One of the items on 2 of their lists is a FIJIT.  I don't know if you know what a FIJIT is or not, but it is sort of like a naked Furby.  They are $54 and we had no clue how we would ever work that out with the money we had available.  My friend decided she would go to Walmart since I knew that they had a cheaper smaller version of it for $15 and that would work to at least get sort of what they wanted.  God stepped in yet again.  They had just placed 2 of them on markdown to $15.  She called me immediately to make sure it was what we were looking for.  It was.  Then she sucked in her breath and chocked back tears (no that would be a lie, she was crying try to talk to me) to tell me that each one of them had a $10 off coupon on them.  This made the toy that we had no idea how we could ever afford $5 a piece.  Wow God now you are just showing off, $110 worth of brand new toys for $10.  Both of us have begun thinking of this as the loaves and the fishes.  No matter what we put in He multiplies 10 fold.  People that we have asked have volunteered to help even though they don't know who these people are.  People we haven't asked who have heard us talking have volunteered to help.  Even a Jewish doctor who does not celebrate Christmas is buying presents and participating.

Needless to say, my view on miracles has changed.  I have now seen Him work miracles through this process.  I will no doubt that again when someone says that they have seen a miracle.  He has shown me that I need to put my disbelief down and anything I could possibly think of is possible through Him.  Do I think that everything is a miracle just because we ask for it?  No.  But when what seems impossible is made possible just by following His lead and being obedient and you are not the one doing it, that is a miracle.  Back to my original thought, as grateful and humbled as I feel being a part of this God moment and seeing these miracles play out, I can't imagine how Mary must have felt.  What joy, humility, gratitude, sorrow and a million other feelings she must have felt being so close to and actually touching God.  My mind can't wrap around that because coming as close as I have these last few weeks I feel so overwhelmed that I wonder if I might be crazy at times.  If I could give one piece of advice, never underestimate His power.

Unrealized blessings

You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside." ~Oswald Chambers

Maybe I am looking at this all wrong.  Maybe God is "blessing" me at times when I think I am being tried.  Maybe He is teaching me when I think that I am not understanding or simply not hearing or that He is not hearing me.  Maybe it is that I have my perspective all screwed up. 

I have shared in previous posts some of what I am going through and some of the turmoil that I am dealing with internally.  I well up in tears at any given moment with little or no prodding.  I have a lot going on that I just can't seem to find the answer to or the reason why.  But maybe that is part of my blessing that I am failing to see.  Maybe those tears are what it is going to take for me to heal.  Maybe my soul needs those tears to flow to get the hurt out to truly heal what is broken and laid bare in my soul.  I know people who can deal with their pain, put it in its place and move on, but I have never been that type person.  For me there have always been tears.  God made me this way and I have grown to understand and even embrace that about myself.  I tell people that no one ever cries alone in my presence.  So perhaps, just perhaps, my tears are what in the end will heal me.  My sleepless nights need to become my comfort and solace in His presence and no longer be anxiety.  And just possibly these trials that I know I am going through I can begin to see His mercy shining through.

"...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalms 30:5

Perhaps all of these things I am feeling are the little nudges of God.  I might not always hear His audible voice, but maybe He is speaking to me and working to heal me through other sources.  One of those, which I have come to rely upon, is music.  Below is the song that I heard this morning which spoke volumes to my soul.  I do not think that the perfect songs come to me at the perfect times to give me the comfort and message that I need at that time.  I heard said one time that don't think that God doesn't answer your prayers.  He always answers our prayers, He just doesn't always answer them in the way we might have wanted and in the time frame we might have wanted.

"Blessings"
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

My soul is unsettled.

My soul is unsettled.  I don't know if it is better to realize this or to live in the oblivion I have been living in.  For years I have had this feeling that I just could not explain to anyone, I have tried on numerous occasions, but it just doesn't quite translate.  But as best I can explain is that I feel like there is something I am missing.  Like there is somewhere I am supposed to be, something I am supposed to be doing.  I feel anxious and can't remain completely still.  Looking back over all the years I have felt this I now wonder if that was God trying to nudge me and I just could not hear Him.  I don't know.

Driving home from church today I was in a traffic jam.  Of course with me in the car it can't be just your average traffic jam.  After our sermon today about Thanksgiving and gratitude I made sure to check my attitude and not get anxious or upset that we were sitting completely still just 10 feet past where I could have gotten off if I had noticed the traffic.  And no, I did not attempt to back down the on ramp like I saw a few others try.  I might have thought about it, but I refer you back to checking my attitude.  I was doing my best to be thankful for everything I could about my car, the good roads, the $2.87 a gallon gas that I just purchased, the fact that the gas was readily available, the fact that the traffic jam in front of the station caused by a small brush fire cleared before I left, the free fountain drink that the station was giving away.  I was running through every item about my car and my travel that I could so that I could sit there and have a grateful attitude.  Being the multi-tasker I am I also made sure to put a message on Facebook to let everyone know that they needed to avoid this section on the interstate because they did not want to get into the same jam I was in not knowing their level of thanksgiving and gratitude.  Oh, and while doing all of this, with my windows down on what turned out to be a gorgeous Sunday (of which I was also thankful) a bee flew in my car.  So now I was stopped on the interstate, texting, facebooking, being thankful for numerous thing, but now having to figure out how to get the bee out of my car.  Thankfully the bee found it's way out and I did not have to make anyone think I had lost my mind.  The traffic finally began to move and I noticed that there was a wreck on the other side of the road stopping traffic on that side as well.  Man this must be a big wreck to span two sides of an 8 lane interstate and the rather large median between.  As I draw closer to the area where the commotion was happening I realize why the traffic has been stopped and what has caused the wreck on the other side.  There were 5 or 6 grown men wrangling a bull in the median.  I assume that he started out in traffic hence the stoppage and the wreck on the other side was surely caused by people looking at a fairly uncommon site.  It is not every day you see a very large bull being roped on the interstate.  And this bull was not happy.  They had a rope around his neck and all My the men involved were doing all that they could to keep him under control.  He was swinging his head from side to side and slinging snot and foam all over the place.  Anyone who knows anything about cattle, by the time he gets to that state he is out of control and I am not sure how any of them were going to get him back in his trailer.

Of course I laughed about this, texted, and facebooked my friends and proceeded on home.  But that bull got me to thinking.  There have been times when I have felt a lot like that bull.  I did not realize it until I saw that display of anger, desperation and I am certain a fair amount of fear in that animal that he and I are a lot alike.  God has been working out some marvelous things in me lately.  Some of them have been beautiful and eye opening while some of it is ugly, shameful and even frightening.  But He is working on setting me free just the same.  I feel like I have been cooped up in a cage much like that bull and I have recently been set free.  I have gone through a lot and have a long way to go, but free is how I feel for the first time in a long time.  But God is setting my feet to a path and I don't have a clue where it is going on what I will find at the end, but I pray that I will always say yes to His requests to continue on it.   I have gotten some push back from people and circumstances around me just like he was getting from those men with the rope.  But none of the push back is as strong as the desire that God has put in me just like that bull's desire not to be man handled back in that trailer. 

This got me to thinking about the disciples and the fact that they left the path upon which they were walking to embark down another path.  They were successful men but yet they dropped what they were doing because something in their spirit called to them and told them that they needed to move.  It reminded me of a devotional I had just read earlier today about the path we are on and the one we should be on.  In it the author talks about the kind of life we lead..."There are two kind of life: The first is ordinary or the expected.  It is planned by someone other than you and mostly unfulfilling.  The second is extra-ordinary or beyond expectations.  It is finding the life which was created for you.  God has provided all of us with the possibility of an exciting and fulfilling life.  A life He breathes on and causes to become everything we could hope for.  He wants you and me to live a satisfying life!"

I know that the person I am becoming, the person God is molding me to be, the character and personality that He is nurturing in me won't make everyone happy.  I am sure that there are going to be people who I have known a long time who don't recognize who I am becoming and some will even make fun of me.  But I now know that my soul has been unsettled for quite a long time and finally I think I am getting some answers as to why.  Hopefully soon I will get signs as to what He has in mind for me.  I pray that I will have the courage that the disciples did and walk the path that He has created for me when the time comes to choose that path.  And I pray that those who love me will understand that who I am becoming is a better version of me than the person that I was.

Oh no...the holidays

I have learned a lot the 10 months that I have been traveling on this journey.  Lately it has been more of a spiritual awakening and look into the inner workings of who I am and less of weight loss.  To be honest, the inner workings of who I am have actually caused me to gain 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  But that is merely a bump in my road and a time of growth that will allow me to be a better person down the road and more equipped to keep the weight off once I get to that point.  I knew this was going to be a long journey and I need to have patience and let God do the work in me that He is doing to get me there.

This time of year has become a sad, lonely and difficult time of year for me.  For those of you who do not know me well, my mother died near Christmas 2 years ago.  However, from the middle of November until she died on December 16th she was very sick.  So starting in November until after the first of the year she is what I think about most of the day and night.  Her death and trying to finally come to terms with it (even though I still haven't completely and don't know if that is possible) last year is what turned me to Weight Watchers in the first place.  After me and my husband spent time alone in Charleston, SC for our Christmas last year I had come to the realization that I had to get the weight off.  I had to increase my chances to live a long and healthy life.  I had to really make an effort to change who I am.

Last year I could not bear the thought of decorating my house, playing Christmas music or buying presents without her being a part of the festivities.  I am still not there and don't know how I am going to get there.  We always spent the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve cooking together for the whole family.  It had become our tradition.  Me and my mother were as close and mother and daughter could be.  Now, Thanksgiving reminds me of the last meal we had with her for that holiday when she was so sick from her cancer that I had to sit in her room with her away from the food because just the smell of it made her even sicker.  I had to buy the meal and not cook it because I was too busy caring for her and had no time to cook and could not have cooked it in her house if I wanted to.  Just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner now makes me remember that last time in her house. It was the last time our whole family was in the house together in one place.  She went into the hospital on November 30th and died in there on December 16th.  I wanted to crawl in my bed that year and not come out until I had to go back to work after the first of the year.  I want to do the same right now.

Which is why this time of year I have a lot of sadness and depression that I don't know how to deal with.  I can cry at the drop of a hat and do too frequently.  I am certain that the people at work are going to ask me sometime soon if I need psychological help because I disappear and come back with my eyes and face red where I start crying and can't help it.  I don't know how to "get over" the sadness. 

I went to a conference recently where we talked about "dropping our stones" and getting all the ugly out of our lives because we should not carry this baggage around with us.  This "stuff" that we carry around that stinks and makes our lives unbearable, or makes us unbearable to those around us is stuff we need to get rid of.  But how do I get rid of my pain without getting rid of the memories?  If I drop this stone and drop the sadness and depression that go along with it then I am afraid that I drop the small amount of joy that is attached to it.  I am afraid that I drop the memories with it.  My memories and pain are so intertwined I don't know where one ends and the other begins.  I pray for some sort of guidance that will show me a way to do so.  I have plenty of memories that give me great joy and make me smile every day about my mother but at this time of year the painful one creep in as well.  Anyone who has had a person that they loved dearly die of cancer they know what I am talking about.  It has changed me to a depth beyond what I think I could ever explain to anyone.   Everyday there are times when I still want to call her, want to show her something that she would love to see, share a song she would like, and don't even get me started every time I go into a Starbucks.  Just entering a Starbucks makes me think of her.  But this time of year, with those memories comes pain and sadness and I don't know how to shake it. 

"I am suffering and in pain.  Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.  Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving."  Psalms 69:29-30

With all of these emotions rolling through me like tidal waves I have learned that I am an emotional eater.  I never knew I was, never thought I was.  But trust me, I have learned that fact without a doubt.  Stress and emotion will send me to something sweet, salty, crunch, gooey, food of any kind to fix what is wrong.  My rational mind knows that food won't fix it, but there is still that ingrained part of me that I want to change so badly that does not understand that.

I have been doing a bible study about something completely different from this and the question that was asked at one point is what are you putting on your throne?  Every morning I pray to God that He is the only thing I put on my throne, but what am I putting there?  Memories?  Food?  Fulfillment?  Happiness?  Do I even know?  Am I being honest enough with myself to find out so that I can change?

"You shall have no Gods before me."  Exodus 20:3

Rock Bottom

I now know what addicts say when they finally hit rock bottom.  I hit my rock bottom this morning.  I have been out of control, out of touch and unresponsive.  As I told my friend, it has been like static playing in my head and I could not get thoughts out or even make them coherent to blog for some time.  I am not sure where it started or how I got in the shape I was in.  Me and my WW anchor used to text everyday about what we were eating and how we were doing and that too has silenced.  I may have caused that or she too is sitting where I am.  But as it has been said, when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go.  For me, there was only one way to look and He has pulled me up

I got on the scale this morning knowing that I was not going to like what I would see.  I knew that I had not been diligent about what I had been eating.  I had been lying to myself.  I had not cared at all and had been putting anything I wanted in my mouth at anytime I wanted it.  The scale does not lie.  I am up 9 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  That will wake you up.  It was like a cold slap in my face, a slap that I needed.

As I stood in the shower trying to figure out where this started, where did I go wrong, what caused this to happen, I realized that did not matter.  I needed to go back to what got me through this journey when I was on top.  What gave me the strength before to do what I know I had never been able to do any time I had tried to change my eating habits and get healthy before, God.  I realized I used to pray every night thanking Him for getting me through the day and then every morning asking for His strength to get me through the day.  When did that stop?  Why did that stop?  I knew that is what needed to happen right then and it could not wait until I was out of the shower.  So I started praying in the shower.  I started having a conversation with God asking Him to help me once again.

Let me interject something here.  Yesterday at church Pastor Allen was preaching on "What Do You Know".  He gave us verses about I Know and then gave us 30 truths for us to remember about God and to share with our friends.  One thing I know about God that I don't think was on that list is that He always wants the best for us.  No matter what we do or how far we stray, He always wants the best for us.  He will leave 99 of His lambs to go after the 1 that is lost.  Now I know that we can stray and turn our backs too often and eventually I am sure He will wash His hands.  But He wants the best for us.  And I know He wants me to be healthy which is why I am doing what I am doing.  Let's be honest, at 41 I am not doing this to get into a bikini or find me a handsome guy, I already have a husband that I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  I am doing this to reduce my risk of cancer and heart disease and hopefully live a little longer.  All of these things I feel certain He can get on board with and wants for me too.  One of the verses Pastor Allen shared with us, though spoke to me and I had to go back and find it after this morning...

"I Know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."  Job 42:2

God visited me in that shower this morning.  I guess he waited until I was at rock bottom, and my most vulnerable, naked, crying and alone.  I was praying to Him that He please help me get back on my path.  Help me find my way back to where I was when I was eating a healthy diet and following the healthy lifestyle I was on and it was becoming second nature to me.  I was literally begging for His help.  I was begging that he remove the yoke of slavery that he had removed from me and that I had placed back on my neck when I heard a whisper in my head as clear as if He were standing there with me, "Satan has had hold of you" and as soon as I heard this I felt a weight being lift from my shoulders.  I did not realize I had been stooped over standing there but I had.  I was able to stand up straight and for once, without being aware of it and take in a full breath easily.  I cannot describe to you the freedom I felt in that moment.  The pure joy that I felt.  The clarity I felt to my very soul in where I stand and what has been going on within me for the past 3 weeks and let me tell you that is a feeling I wish everyone could feel.  I wept openly thanking God for answering me in that bathroom for a good while, and it felt good.  I know that might sound crazy to some people, but so be it.  As Pastor Allen say, this is one of the things I know.  And I also now know that I no longer sit at rock bottom.  God has lifted the yoke of slavery from me yet again and has restored me back on my path.  Will I stumble?  Yes because I am human.  But He will be there to hear my pleas for help and right my path once again.

It might be raining and cold, but for me, today is a beautiful day.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 NIV)

Freedom - reminder to be thankful.

Do we really realize on a daily basis the freedoms that we are allowed?  Do we take advantage of the freedoms that we, as Americans, are given to live our lives in pretty much any way we want?  Do we realize that those freedoms also extend to our relationship with God and that there are people and countries that don't have the freedom that we have and we and take for granted?

I was trying to catch up on my reading today at lunch, because once again I am behind, and spent a good deal of time reading through Exodus in my bible.  We all know the story of Exodus mostly thanks to Charlton Heston and his performance in the 10 Commandments.  But have you ever spent time actually reading the book, studying the story as it is written?  I was reading about God speaking to Moses while he is up on the mountain giving him all the rules on how the arc of the covenant is to be built, how the curtains are to be woven and sown and to what dimensions and then how they are to be attached, how every piece of wood is to be cut and with what metal it is to be covered, how every garment is to be made and which are to have stones on them and how they are to be engraved to represent the 12 tribes, exactly how they are to enter and which animals are to used for sacrifices and what part is to be burnt there and what parts are to be removed and burnt.  Everything is in exact detail down to who can enter, what their clothes are to look like, who is to wear what and if the wrong person enters and does not perform the exact ritual in the correct order he will be killed.  It is very detailed and I have no idea how they ever remembered it all without cliff notes or something to remind them.  But that God, literally, that we don't have to deal with that.  Our freedom is such a blessing and I am not sure that I have ever truly realized it before today while reading that passage.  We can pick up a bible and read it whenever and wherever we want.  If you don't have one, there are programs and organizations that will give you one, or you can pick one up at most Christian bookstores for as little as $5 these days.  It is amazing the freedom we have with no threat that we might be harmed or worse for the simple act of reading a bible in public.  We have churches on every corner in every city, there are meetings and programs run by those churches on almost every night of the week with outreach programs.  The list goes on and on.  But still do we realize our freedom? 

I was looking through a travel advisory today for a visit to Saudi Arabia for someone at my office who will be traveling later this month.  The advisory, I suppose, is what really got this whole thought process going.  To visit that country you are not allowed to take a bible or even wear a cross to show your love for a God that has sacrificed everything to give us these freedoms.  Anything depicting the Christian religion is strictly forbidden.  It did not say what the punishment would be if found, but I cannot think it would be pleasant.  I know that they have a different set of beliefs, but at least in our country you are allowed to have a different belief and not fear persecution and or death for displaying it.  With everything going through my head as of late, and all the static that I just can't shift through, the one thing that has remained constant is God.  No matter what I might be dealing with, or not dealing with whatever the case may be, God is always there.  I can turn to my bible and I can read and He gives me wisdom to make it through that moment.  I can go to church and I don't have some archaic set of rules to follow before entering, He just meets me there no matter how I show up whether it be happy, sad, broken or hurting and I always leave in a better place than I showed up through the blessing of His grace and mercy.  I have the freedom to read my bible, wear a shirt that may have a bible verse on it, or post a bible verse on facebook because it spoke to me and I felt it might be of benefit to others in some way.  God provided a way for us to enter into His kingdom no matter where we are or what we have going on, and I am going to remind myself every day to be thankful for living in a country where I can be me and love God openly as much as He loves me.

Walk on the beach

I did not realize when I left my house on Saturday morning that this would not only be a vacation and time to recharge my body, but it would also be a time for God to teach me a thing or two.  Should have known with the way that my journey has been moving as of late.

After the wonderful lessons that God taught me earlier this week with the shells that were left in my path, I found myself feeling a little sorry for myself yesterday.  I won't go into what got me into that frame of mind, but that is the best I can sum it up.  I guess it is my impatience that lead me to this feeling and the fact that what others were receiving from God or the fact that I have not received what I have been praying for.  We, as humans, are always good at giving out advice but not always the best at taking our own advice when the time comes.  I can't tell you how many times I have told various friends in their times of need that what they are wanting (various needs) would happen but it would happen in God's time and not necessarily in their time.  But when it comes to something that I am praying for and truly needing to the core of who I am, I don't want to wait.  I don't want to realize that there might be a reason that I have not received what I am asking for yet just like I tell my friends when they begin to feel sorry for themselves or complain because they have been waiting for so long.

So tonight I decided to cheer myself up I would walk down to the beach by myself and look for "ghost" crabs.  I don't know if any of you know what I am talking about, but at night if you take a flashlight and walk along the beach you will see little white crabs scurrying along the sand that you can tell only come out at night because they have no color whatsoever.  I love walking by myself and just watching them scurry to and fro as they try to get out of the light from my flash light.  Tonight they did not disappoint, they were everywhere.  But they were not the only thing on that beach waiting for me.  God was there waiting as well.  He is not through with me this week it seems.

The raging waters would have swept us away. (Psalm 124:5 NIV)

Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 124:5, 8 NIV)

Yesterday and especially today the surf has been so strong you can't even get in the water.  I tried to get in yesterday and got out pretty quickly because of the undertow.  I am an excellent swimmer and I float like my own flotation device, but the current was too strong for me.  Today the waves were crashing even stronger and I would not get in above my ankles.  The waves were crashing so hard you could feel the percussion in your chest when it would crash.  I was on the beach completely by myself which can be a little unnerving on its own when it is dark and you can't see out into the water or even a few feet in front of you down the beach.  I found myself saying a little prayer to God that He is my protector and I trust Him to keep me safe while I take this walk along the beach.  I was not thinking about anything, just walking and listening to the crashing waves until the water washed over my foot.

When that water washed over my foot it scared me.  I know that is irrational since I was not standing in the surf and was well out of the reach of the dangerous undertow, but for that split second it scared me.  And with that thought God came crashing into my thoughts.  That water, those waves, and the pull of that water would teach me yet another lesson like it did just days before.  As I stood on the top of a small rise that has been cut into the beach now because of Hurricane Isaac I was safe.  I was standing on the firm land that is like standing on the firm word of God and standing firm in what He wants of me for my life.  But just off that ledge is that boiling and turning water with that dangerous undertow.  That water that would like nothing better than to pull me out to sea to a point that I could no longer touch bottom and have my feet on the foundation that God has provided for me.  It was as if God was standing there telling me that water is like  the world you live in.  That turning boiling dangerous water is the world around you.  Right now you can and should stand here on this safe ground that I have provided just like the safe ground I have provided you in my word.  But unlike that water you have to walk back into the world when you leave here.  Remember this water.  Remember this moment and how dangerous this situation and the world you live in is to your walk with Me.  Remember what that water would do to you if you did not have the safety of this land to stand on.  That is what the world will do to you if you do not have My word in you, if you do not safeguard it in your heart and live by it every day in everything you do.  Just like this water, the world will pull you in, tumble you in it's ugliness and strip from you the love and compassion that I have put into your heart.  Safeguard Me and My word with your life.  Keep the firm foundation always under your feet.  There may be others who just jump in and roll with whatever comes at them, but you know what you should do.  You know where your safety is, and your safety lies with Me and My word.

Meanwhile, God's firm foundation is as firm as ever, these sentences engraved on the stones:  god knows who belongs to him. spurn evil, all you who name god as god. (2 Timothy 2:19 MSG)

Standing on that ledge with that angry water boiling and crashing beneath me I can't explain to you how at peace I felt.  I will admit I still am craving the things I have been praying for and I will continue to search for them.  But like a wise friend of mine said to me recently, He is using this time with me to teach me in a way that maybe He could not teach me if I had a lot of distraction around me.  I work long hours and don't have much time on my own and if I get what I am asking for then that time would be even shorter.  I need to understand that God knows better and as I always tell my friends, He will give you what you need and desire but it will be in His time.

Lessons from the Ocean

This week I am on vacation in one of the places I love the most, the beach.  My time here gives me the ability to sit, stare at the ocean, think and of course walk up and down the shoreline looking for seashells.  No matter how many I pick up I am always in search of that perfect shell.  I know that the perfect one will be washed up on the shore the next time I walk down the same way I have walked every day numerous times already.  That is ok though, because I am getting much needed exercise and because of this I learned a much needed lesson yesterday which to my surprise was further shown to me today.

Yesterday during one of my many treks down the beach looking for that perfect shell I finally found it.  It wasn't large, but it was flawless and beautiful.  I waded out into the water and retrieved it and turned it over and over in my hands marveling and the details in the ridges and how all the edges were still perfect after the beating it had gone through in the ocean.  While standing there a thought hit me.  I am standing in ankle deep water watching as the waves wash a variety of shells one, two or three at a time in to shore.  There are a lot of them that have imperfections or that are just ordinary, but once in a while we get a perfect one.  That this is like learning God's word.  We read and stay in His word receiving understanding and knowledge as we read, but when the time is right He gives us a big revelation of knowledge or a big direction to our path or purpose.  It is a stream of knowledge washing over us like the waves with a nice shell here and there, but when the time is right He delivers that perfect shell in the surf of His word.   He keeps us sharp and grounded with His word, but knows that when the time is right we will be ready to receive and understand the bigger stuff.  

Later in the same day I stumble upon another shell that, while in the sand, appears to be a rare find, a snail type shell that just doesn't usually wash up and lay there too long before someone gets it.  I pull it from the sand only to find out that it is really no more than the edges of the outer shell with the center of it still intact.  Yep, here too was a lesson learned as I almost dropped it back into the water.  I wanted it when I thought it was a perfect beautiful shell, but when I realized that it was not perfect I started to discard it.  I could tell it was old and weathered and this got me to thinking.  This shell is kind of like us humans.  We age and are not so perfect as we get older, but hopefully the core of who we are, who God intends us to be and has directed us through His word to be will still be intact like the center of this shell.  I hope to be like this when I am old as well.  I don't want to be just a pretty picture and be what people think I am or what they think I should be or look like.  But I want to be what I am intended to be, what God has planned and intends for me to be.  I won't mind if I am weathered, but I still want my core/spirit to have been protected to the point that it is still in tact.  Just like that shell, the center was protected the longest and it survived when all around it became aged, damaged and broken.

The shells were carelessly thrown in my bag and by the time I got back to the room the beautiful delicate perfect shell was broken.  The beautiful edge that I was admiring while standing in the surf for it's having survived being tumbled around in the ocean could not withstand 2 hours with me.  And again, God continued to teach me.  Just like His word that we read and attempt to safeguard in our hearts we tend to toss it in various bags in our lives and it too gets forgotten or broken.  We do not take the time and care with His word that we should.  God's word should be the guide of our lives and therefore should be remembered and protected just like I should have protected this shell.  The shell is forever broken, but luckily when we meander away from the path God has chosen for us, or live outside God's word that break is not forever.  We can always return to God.  His word is always there and it never changes.  Any damage we do can always be repaired unlike my beautiful shell (although it is still beautiful even if it is imperfect like me).

Today on my walk in the surf looking for shells I got out a little further and felt a little stronger undertow than I did yesterday.  I realized then that God was not quite through with my lesson and was the reason I never got to blog this last night.  Again the sand, shells and ocean made me think of us and His word.  That water pulling on me made me think of where I am right now and how I am feeling.  When you are seeking God and you are really wanting to know what He has for your life you want to read everything you can.  The word pulls at you, your church pulls at you, your friends who are walking on this path with you pull at you, God pulls at you.  It is all like that undertow.  Standing in that water thinking about the shells and how they make me think of being in God's word, the worn out shell and it's lesson and the undertow and how ultimately I think I was supposed to learn that through it all if you are in God's word and you are truly seeking Him you will, at the center of your soul, feel that pull.  Just like the water wanted to pull me out into the ocean God wants to pull me ever deeper into His word.

Thank you God for allowing me the quiet time on the beach alone with you to learn this lesson that I truly needed to learn right now.  This journey has been difficult and it is taking a path I did not imagine, but in the end I will be in a place beyond any I could imagine.  I am still trusting my journey and with the help of some good friends and trusting where God is leading I will make it.

Dreams

For God speaketh once, yea twice, yet man perceiveth it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then he openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction, (Job 33:14-16 KJV)

God gives us dreams.  Or should I say that the bible tells us that He gives us dreams and therefore I know that He does.  I see these dreams being manifest in people all around me.  I see them being lived out in the lives of my friends.  I see dreams being revealed at young ages and later in life, and it feels like everyone who is actively seeking a dream from God is receiving what they seek but me.  I pray that God reveal His purpose in my life, and have spent a good deal of time in discussion and tears with a friend over this very subject.  And now that I type this I realize just how impatient that makes me sound.  Time to God is not the same time that we live in.  Years to us is mere moments to Him.  What might feel like a lifetime to me, He feels is nothing.  And though I might feel I am sitting here begging to have a purpose revealed to me and not understanding why He is shaking His head and trying to reassure me like a child through His word because for whatever reason I am probably not ready. (I will explain all of this through my thoughts as they played out in the rest of this blog)

I read recently that all we need to realize our dreams is to have His light.  I feel that I have His light but still can't see my dream.  There are numerous accounts in the bible were men were given dreams that were larger than what they could possibly accomplish without divine intervention: Abraham, Noah, David and Joseph.  It was even reported that Michelangelo once said. "Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish."  I want more than anything to know my purpose, to know what God wants me to do...to find my dream.  Is it that my imagination is not large enough?  Is it that I don't know enough about God's word and kingdom yet? (probably, on His timeline I am a mere child and there is no telling what wonders He may have in line for me if I can just be patient)  Am I keeping my dream from being revealed to me in some way?

The saying is true: Bad dreams come from too much worrying, and too many words come from foolish people. (Ecclesiastes 5:3 NCV)

Am I spending too much time thinking about it?  I know that God spends many years sometimes grooming people in the jobs that they are in before he reveals to them their purpose or their dreams.  Not everyone has their dream revealed to them when they are young.  Should I just continue on my path learning more about Him, spending more time with His word and making sure that I am following the path that I feel He is leading me down and eventually my dream/purpose will be revealed?  (Ding, ding, ding... Yes, you can see that I am finally getting the bigger picture as I work through my train of thought) Can I get through my whole life and never uncover my dream? I am afraid my dream is already in me and I am just to preoccupied or not aware enough to see it.  I don't want to overlook the dream or desire that God has placed on my heart.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, "In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay." (Hebrews 10:35-37 NIV)

And again I come back to the realization that I cannot put a time frame or stipulations on God.  When God is ready to show me my dream and/or purpose it will be in His timing.  Noah did not get his dream of building the ark until he was 500 and I don't remember him sitting and whining because God hadn't sent him a message of what his purpose on earth was.  I don't need to be impatient.  I need to be happy that God will be there to tell my dream when the time comes.  I need to spend what time I have now helping those around me with the talents I have to move forward in their dreams and pursuits.  When I know that they are following what is a truly God appointed dream and/or purpose than I should be happy to help them pursue that purpose and help them accomplish their dreams.  Maybe that is my current purpose is to help and encourage them in their dreams and through that God will show me mine.  Maybe God is trying to show me to be less ME centered and a little more God centered, a little more steward (I think that is the right word) centered.  Maybe I don't have my dream yet because someone else has to accomplish theirs to help me move into mine.  I guess what I am trying to get at and make myself understand is that I need to slow down and let God be God.  Just sit in His presence and enjoy the beautiful time I am having with Him right now and be still  When the time comes He will give me my dream/purpose.

Thank you Lord.  I know that this has been rambling as I sit here in this cold hotel room in the quiet and work through these thoughts.  I have been chewing on this for a couple of weeks now and just could not get past the whole idea that I was missing something, I was not doing something right, I was not praying the right prayer, or living correctly because God was looking me over.  Thank you for visiting me while I sit here and work through some of this and realize that You are working on me and allowing me to be still and know you are God during this wonderful time of growth with my sister from another father (I won't say mother because mine loved her like her own).  And if me helping her walk out her dream and purpose while she helps hold me together during my insane soul searching days where the tears just won't stop then I accept that.  Again, Thank You God!!!

My Source

This weekend was not quite what I expected.  Can't really tell you what I expected but this was not it.  It was so much more!!  There are points in our lives that we will always remember like when we got our first car, fell in love the first time, give our lives over to Jesus, when we are baptized, and weekends like this one.  I attended a women's retreat on Saturday that has forever changed my life.  My walk with God, my faith, and who I am will, by the grace of God and through the teaching of some wonderfully, God inspired women will never be the same.  I feel like my very soul has been ripped open and knowledge, truth and love have been poured into it.  It has been emotional to say the least, and I have not made it to the other side of that emotion yet.  God is working on me and I am not certain where He is taking me.

This weekend, I finally learned to put down my concepts of what and who I am supposed to be and learned what it means to "live forward".  I did not realize when I started my blog last week that I finally ended last night that God was preparing me last Sunday and through the week for what He was going to give me yesterday.  I finally realized with horror and shame that I was a disappointment to God and that I never wanted to show Him the back of my head again when I did not use the strength that I asked Him to give me and He gave me readily.  When I ask Him for His strength and He gives it to me, I never want to disappoint Him again by not using what He gives me and turning my back.  I want to always be facing Him and leaning into Him.  Using the strength that He gives me and listening for His voice.  I want Him to see me and I want to be ready to see Him where and when He comes to me.  I had no idea that a short six days after I began I would get the message of "living forward".  Always facing forward and never looking back.  Learning to leave the past behind us.

Far too often, we carry our past with us, the pain and the hurt of when people have done us wrong or the addictions that we live with.  An actual bag was used at this retreat to demonstrate our baggage, what we carry around.  Just like what we carry, that red bag was in her hand.  With that bag looped over her arms, she was not free to do what she wanted, when she wanted, she had to always be mindful of the bag.  She had to always pick the bag up and carry it with her.  Depending on how heavy the bag might be could further hinder our progress, or how often you look in that bag or take out an item to look at it.  How often do you look in the bag and take out a piece of anger, look at it and then store it back in the bag?  How often do you pull out a article of regret or disappointment, turn it around, remember it and then store it back in your bag?  It gets heavy and begins to take up all of you time just keeping up with the items you have stored in that bag.  And what if you have something dead in the bag?  What happens when you carry around something dead?  It stinks.  Are you carrying around something dead in your bag?  Are you giving off an odor from your soul?  Does your soul stink?  Can people tell it from you?  When people meet you, what do they think of you?  What does your soul say to them?  Are you projecting light or are you projecting anger and hatred?  Is it a sweet smell or does your soul stink?  We have to choose to drop the bag and move forward.  We have to learn to live forward.  Just like a warrior, we have to press forward.  There are forces that will work against us, and believe me, as soon as I left the retreat they started.  Actually before I got outside they had already started and the other ladies I was with had the same thing happen to them.  Satan will work against us, but my God is stronger than that.  We have to learn to press against them.  There is no force as strong as the force that God places in us to press against it.  He will give us all the strength we need.  As I said in my last blog.  When we ask for strength He gives it.  It is up to us what we do with it.  Are we going to press violently against those forces or are we going to give up?  What will be your choice?  You have to press violently to become a warrior.  And after this weekend, as the lady who was speaking said, I don't care if I have to crawl across that finish line as long as I am pressing forward I will keep pressing.  We have to keep our eyes fixed on the prize...I don't know what this means for me and I don't know what God has in mind for me, but I am ready.  I am scared to say that, but I am ready.  This is going to be my time.  My journey and my issue with eating are going to fall in line.  God has a plan for me and those issues are going to take a back seat.  He will deal with them along the way.

Which brings me to today.  I am sure I will visit "living forward" again, because what I learned yesterday is resonating in my soul and could never be put onto paper and into one blog at one time.  I am not certain that I have internalized or realized all that was said.  But today at church the children's choir performed.  Most of you who know me know my friend Machelle (yes, deal with it and here it comes Machelle and I apologize if any of this you did not want to share).  Her son Trent was performing in the choir.  What most of you don't realize is my connection to her kids. I, of course, don't have kids of my own which is by choice.  But her kids are family to me.  We vacation together, I see them probably as often as some of their actual family does and for years they had no clue I wasn't blood related to them.  Trent and I have a relationship that is a bit different than any I have ever had with any child other than my blood nephew who I love even more than chocolate.  I can't explain it, it just is.  I am very protective of him probably partly because of the difficult trip he has had coming into this world and the struggle he had just trying to become the wonderful, brilliant child he is today.  Those of you who don't know Trent are missing out.  He was born very premature and had to fight tooth and nail just to survive.  He had very autistic tendencies and went into therapy at the age of 6 months.  He was withdrawn from everyone except for his mother who he clung to with a death grip.  At his 1st birthday he retreated to his playpen because he was terrified of all the people and the commotion going on in his home because that was where he felt safe.  The therapists were not certain that he would ever talk or work his way out of his problems.  But by the grace of God and through the therapy at Special Kids in M'Boro and the pre-K program he was enrolled in he came out of his shell and began to shine.  Today he is more brave and has a brighter spirit of God than most adults.  He is not afraid to speak what is on his heart and mind to anyone.

I say that all to get to my point of what I observed today that God revealed to me while watching them perform today.  Through my tears of pride and awe at this child who 6 years ago you would never have made me believe would have been in that sanctuary with that noise let alone on that stage performing did something that made me take note.  This 8 year old already has what this 41 year old is just now starting to realize.  I noticed that while he was on stage he was locked on and focused on something the entire time he stood there.  Every move he made, every note he sang, every thing he did, he seemed to be focused on something.  It took me a minute to realize that there was one of their choir leaders in the audience in front of them and he was locked on her and in complete focus of what she was telling him to do.  She was his source.  For that performance, she had the answers to what he needed.  He knew where to look and once he realized who had the answers he was not going to break eye contact and look around and all the confusion, all the other kids, or all the people in the 5,000 person sanctuary.  He had gotten the lesson that she was his source and he was not going to lose sight of her.  He wanted to do the right thing.  He wanted to please those in charge and I am certain please God with his worship.  He did not want to make mistakes.  He did not want to step out on his own and let distractions pull him away from what he was put on that stage to do.  Wow.  He has it.  33 years my junior and he has it.  God is my source and I should treat Him the way Trent was treating that choir director.  I should lock my eyes on Him and never look away.  I should not let the confusion, noise, distractions, people around me or anything else break my line of sight with my source either.  Thank you Trent.  You have taught me many lessons in your 8 short years.  Many you don't know that you have, some that you do.  But this one so far is the greatest of them.  Pastor Allen has been teaching us that we have a Mighty Source, but Trent has taught me that I am to lock my eyes on Him and not look away.

Hypocrite or disappointment?

Hypocrite or Disappointment?

What am I doing?

I started this blog earlier in the week because that was how I was feeling, but did not get a chance to finish what I wanted to write.  So many things have happened since then, so many tears have fallen (good and bad) so many things have been learned and so many revelations have been revealed.  

Let me go back and write about some of the things that were on my mind when I started and see where this takes me when it ends since I am not certain myself where that will go and this is coming to me completely freestyle.

Last week in church we were talking about the birth and death of Jesus and what stuck with me as I drove home was His crucifixion.  I have 45 minutes to ride home by myself and I tend to reflect on what we discussed so it gives me a little time to reflect.  I got to thinking about what our pastor said about Jesus' crucifixion and what He had to endure which lead me to think about myself and my journey.  I ask God for his strength every day to help me with my journey.  And as I have said before in this blog I feel at times that He gives it to me and He has even delivered me from my addiction (I will get to that later).  The pain that Jesus had to withstand when He was being crucified is beyond anything that most of us as humans will ever be asked to endure or physically comprehend, and He did it willingly.  He knew what was coming but yet He did it.  He could have said no, He could have told God that He needed to find someone better for the job, but no, knowing what was in store for Him, He still did it.  But here I sit asking for His strength every morning and every night when I go to bed and numerous times during the day when I struggle but yet I still turn my back on Him when He gives it.  I take what He gives for granted and don't take advantage of His gift as I should.  How devastating must I be to God that Jesus can withstand that pain but I don't utilize the one thing that I ask for because it is too hard?  It does not cause me pain, it is just a little difficult.  How much of a disappointment I must be to God that He gives me the strength that I ask for but I put it down and turn my back on Him because I might have to step outside my comfort zone or I might have to give something material up?  Jesus did not turn His back and he was asked to do the unthinkable.  How much pain do I inflict on God when I can't do what He asks of me for just one day?  Who am I to ask for that strength when it is obvious that I am not truly meaning it because I do not use it for the purpose He is giving it.  I thought I had this at one point, and if I did, how do I get back there?  If I never did, how do I find it?  I don't ever want to show God the back of my head ever again.  I don't want to show God the disrespect of asking for His strength and then turning my back on Him as if He never responded or I never asked.  I show my boss at work more respect than I show the King of Kings.  I want God to smile and think of me, she is devoted and always follows what I tell her, and not cringe when He thinks of me as that is the girl who keeps turning her back on me every time I try to help her.  I want to be the person that God wants me to be, the person that I have not tapped into yet.

The bible says that when Jesus was crucified the heavens fell silent, I am not certain that my actions are even worth of a pause.

Which leads me to today.  I went to a women's retreat today and heard many truths that I needed to hear.  One of the things that resonated was the fact that if we are to "Live Forward" we have to let go of our past.  Like a person walking around carrying a literal bag, we carry our past with us and as long as it is with us, it is pulling us down and keeping us from our full potential.  I have been walking around carrying a lot of baggage with me in regards to my eating and my weight.  I am carrying baggage in regards to a lot of other things (some that were revealed or addressed today) as well, but I am sure I will touch on them later.  But just in regard to my journey right now and the addiction to food.  I know I have to let go of my death grip I have on my need for that comfort I get from my food.  There is comfort available to me and God is standing there ready and willing to give me all the comfort I need.  All I need to do is ask and actually take it and use it.  Am I a disappointment or a hypocrite for asking for God's help and then turning my back on Him.  No, I don't think so.  I think that God knows where I am.  He knows what I need.  He knows the depth of my hurt.  He knows what it will take to heal me.  And no matter how many times I turn my back on Him, even though the thought of that breaks my heart and makes me feel like the worst of His children, He does not see me that way.  He sees me as His beautiful child that is learning a lesson and needs this time to grow.

Today was an amazing day of learning and growing.  I am still absorbing what was said and I am sure that I will share some of that on another post when I have had time to truly let it sink in and become part of me.  Thank you God for the work you are doing on me.

Two journeys as one...

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1

You know, it is funny that this would be the verse that would be given to me this morning.  I went to bed last night in tears begging God to help me.  Help me on more levels than I think that I even know that I need help.  But the one that I keep returning to is my eating - the journey that started this whole blog.  The steps that started me down this road.  The decision that I made after returning from our trip at Christmas determined to do better, be better, be healthier because I had no idea how many more second chances I was going to be given.  Having no idea when I walked into that Weight Watchers building that I would not only start shedding weight but I would start opening up a part of my heart and soul that had been closed off to God for some time.  I did not realize at the time that it had been closed to begin with when, where or even why.  I guess it is like the exercise equipment that we all have in our houses.  When you first get them you are on fire and are using them every day.  You are all about your exercise equipment and how it is changing you and your body and making you into a better person.  But over time you get used to the equipment, you think you know better, and you start using them less and less and eventually they become nothing more than a place to hang your clothing.  I am ashamed to say that God had become my spiritual clothing rack.  I still believed and I still talked about God whenever the subject came up, but I had stopped going to church and I had stopped searching for Him and longing for Him.  Something changed within me.  I don't know the exact place or time.  I don't know where along this journey the transformation happened, but my quest for weight loss and my desire to draw closer to God became intertwined and I cannot see one without seeing the other any longer.  I can't differentiate my weight loss journey from my God journey.  I guess that is what God had in mind all along and I just had to grow up to understand.  Maybe that is why all of my attempts to lose weight when I was younger never worked.  Maybe I was not mature enough to "get it".  But I can't see how I could ever continue with one of these journeys without the other being a part of it. 

Which makes me ponder a statement I made on June 28th in one of my blogs.  I made the statement that God had delivered me from my food addiction.  I know that on that date I truly believed that.  If you were to ask me today if I believed it on that date I would say, well I did on the 28th.  Do I think God would deliver me and then take the gift away from me?  No.  Do I think I was deceived to make me falter?  I don't know.  Was I being cocky and overconfident and had really not been delivered?  Maybe.  But on that date I truly felt like I had been delivered from the food addiction that I have been living under my entire memorable life.  I don't think I would feel that way to the core of who I am and it not be true.  I think the more real possibility is that I have been delivered and after realizing it my sinful human self got in the way as it has so many times before.  I was afraid to speak the words.  Superstitions, that I do not truly believe in typically made me cringe after I typed that blog.  I was afraid I would "jinx" it.  I have to change how I think.  I could not just sit back and let God be God.  If God did in fact deliver me from my addiction then it means that He washed me of my sin in regards to that addiction at the same time.  He has forgiven as I have begged Him to do over and over.  If I do not accept that and accept the deliverance and claim it as my own then I cheapen the fact that Jesus shed His blood to do so.  How horrible and conceited an idea is that.  Why wouldn't Jesus forgive me and deliver me?  Am I, a child of God, not worthy?  I know that I don't act as if I am most of the time, but the bible teaches us that we are all worthy of His forgiveness.  And if I have turned my back after he did deliver me and returned to my old ways, which I am ashamed to admit that I have, can I reclaim it?  I want more than anything to reclaim His deliverance.  I will continue to pray that is exactly what happens until I am secure in the knowledge that it is exactly where I am.  I want deliverance from my addiction.  The deliverance that I feel I received on the 28th of June and then turned my back on.  If I can be blessed enough to be given a second chance just one more time. 

-Lord, I will not get tangled up again!  I am staying free!!!

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."  James 1:2

Soar Like Wings of Eagles

I don't even know where to start. God is working out so much in me right now that go beyond where I thought this was blog or my journey was going when I started.  I started this just about my weight loss.  But as time goes on,  He has started using it to move me into a closer relationship with Him.  I have been a believer for many years and gave my life over to him in my early 20's, but over the last few years have felt a distance grow between us.  He has been revealing things to me through this journey that whether I am ready for them or not, they are there.

I as I write this I realize that there has been a flood of emotions going through me since the last time I blogged anything.  I have not been able to bring myself to do much of anything other than to throw myself down and beg God to show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do.  Please just show me what and  where my next move should be.

Since I last wrote I went on a wonderful trip to Florida.  I am always in awe of God's beauty when I am on or near the water.  I am not a talented writer and cannot truly put into words the awe I feel at His grand design when I sit on that beach and just absorb is grandeur.  To look out over that great expanse at what appears to be a barren wasteland when in reality it is teeming just beneath the surface with a whole world of unseen and wondrous life.  Just as we have a world above and outside the water that functions dependently each to one another and every animal has a part and each works with the other in His intricate design, there is another, yet different world that He created to live beneath the water.  Different worlds that, though they don't appear to be, are intricately intertwined with one another in many ways and at many points.  I could sit there and marvel at the sunrise, sunset and every bird, fish and creepy crawly animal in between.  I have to thank God every time I am given even a day to sit and enjoy time in a chair enjoying an ocean breeze.

But unfortunately closely following my vacation came heartache.  On the 21st of this month my house was broken into and almost every item that had value, sentimental and sale able value, was stolen.  That morning was like any other morning.  I went to work as did my husband.  But as I was returning to work after having lunch with a friend I got a call that shattered my day and my feeling of safety.  Dane came home to find my jewelry box open and empty.  Everything was gone.  They got many other items, but the items in my jewelry box are the items that hurt me the most.  I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that began rolling through me.  The only thing I could think was that my mother's wedding rings were in there.  My mother whose death still weighs heavy on me many days.  How could they take my mother's wedding rings?  How could anyone be so cruel?

After many tears, feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, and not understanding why, I think I am finally getting on the other side of it.  I can truly say that although I wish that this never happened, I would also never wish this on anyone.  I have prayed numerous times that through the grace of God I will somehow get my mother's jewelry and Dane will get his father's wedding ring back.  But through this whole ordeal I have been drawn closer to God.  Through my pain and tears He has been talking to me and trying to comfort me as only He can.  I will share with you a couple of verses that I feel where given to me to hold on to until I have made it completely to the other side.  I still have my moments, and I am still checking our doors a couple times each at night.  But I feel God has told me I will be ok.  The items were material.  I may not get my mom's rings back, but I will get better than that, I will see her again one day and that is what I have to hang onto.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 NIV)

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "(1 Peter 1:6, 7 NIV)

And though God has been working on my anger and my hurt, my eating has been out of control.  I guess I thought that it was ok since I was having such a hard time.  I should only have to deal with one thing at a time right?  I have been struggling since that day to find my way back on the path of my journey.  I have gained a little weight, but not a bunch.  I am still not eating the way that I should, but I did read something that helped me make a decision that I had to come to...

"When something bad happens you have three choices.  You can either let it define you.  Let it destroy you, or you can lit it strengthen you."

So I decided that I would let this strengthen me.  I have decided to allow God to teach me through this and to give me the knowledge and wings that I will need to move on.  I cannot make it down this path on my own, but I will make it over the obstacles that are currently sitting in my path.  I am not completely over it and I still, no matter how I try not to, will mourn the fact that my mother's rings are gone.  But I am getting better day by day.  Soon I will be firmly back on my path and with God's strength my weight will begin to make it's way back down again.  But I have to continue to take it one day at a time.  I have to continue to ask for God's strength as I have been doing since day one.  It is just that now I need Him more than I ever did before.  I need Him to protect me on my path, give me strength and heal me all at the same time.  But, my God is an awesome God and He can do all of this and more.  It is only us that put limits on what He can do.

"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30, 31 NIV)

Thank you God for never giving up on me even when I give up on me from time to time.

Teach you in the way you should go.

I cannot say that I feel any better today than I did last night.  I did not sleep much and what I did get was not restful.  I am having difficulty focusing on anything and I still feel as though I am untethered and mostly all around anchored.  I don't know how to reach out and ask for help because I don't really know how to put my innermost feelings into words.  But I am struggling.  My journey is taking a side street that I did not see coming, a detour that has been unfortunately unavoidable.  I trust that it will soon return to the main and well worn paths that I have come to know and to trust so that I can at least get through this uncertain time.  So much has been thrown at me in in the last few weeks that I just don't know how to adequately process it all or know how to put the feelings away where they belong.  As Machelle said to me last night, I am not even certain that I have allowed myself the time or the permission to truly run through all the emotions that I am feeling.

But one thing I do know is that God will not leave me.  I might not be able to hear him or feel Him right now, but He is still there.  I opened my online bible at lunch today and the verse of the day spoke volumes in proof of that fact.  As I have been crying out and praying that God show me the way back to my path, or a new path if that is what He is wanting for me.  Just please let me know what I am supposed to be doing, feeling or...anything.  This is what I find when I clicked on that program...

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will council you with my loving eye on you."  Psalm 32:8.

Those who truly know me know that I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences in life.  Everything happens for a reason.  That is not the verse of the day by accident.  I have been praying and crying out for some guidance.  Maybe God is trying to tell me that my guidance is coming but I have to get through this valley of mourning and sorrow before he is able to move me beyond where I am.  I am miserable and unable to feel joy right now, but perhaps that is exactly where I am supposed to be.  I will continue to pray that God leads me out of this valley and onto a brighter day and restores my steps on this journey that I have begun.  I am not ready to throw the towel in and I know he won't throw the towel in on me. 

For those of you who may read this and are of a praying nature.  Please pray that God will help me through this time.  I am not ready to be let loose on this journey and still need him to hold my hand.  I am desperate to feel His presence and His strength as He guides me down the right path and I continue on my way through this journey.  I am still trusting my journey but have momentarily stopped waiting until I can see the path again.

Need a lamp unto my feet

I feel lost.  I feel like the light has been extinguished that has been illuminating the path to my journey.  I feel as if I am in a cave with only the touch of my hands to feel along the walls in total darkness to find my way out.  I ultimately know where I want to go, but I have no idea on how to get there.  I am at a loss on how to find the path I was walking so confidently just weeks ago.  As soon as I get an obstacle behind me another pops up in front of me and they seem to be getting bigger and nastier every time they arrive.  And this one feels like it is larger than I can maneuver around.

I have been praying, reading and trying to seek what God is trying to show me but it does not feel like our lines of communication are still open.  I have no idea what lesson I am supposed to be learning or if I am to be changing my direction from my current path.  Have I done something to cut our line of communication?  Am I missing something?  The void between us feels like the Grand Canyon right now.

Two weeks ago my cousin died unexpectedly.  Three days ago someone broke into my house and stole everything of value from my house and some of the things that had extreme sentimental value.  Both of these things rattled me to the core.  I have faith that God will see me through this in the end, but right now I just don't know how or what my next move is.  I am stumbling and wandering numb and alone in search of some sign to show me the way.  Lord please show me which direction I am to go.  Please show me how to find the path to my journey again since I have been so lost for what seems like forever.  I miss the closeness I felt with you.  I miss the comfort I felt while I was slowly following my journey with you.  Please Lord help me to set my compass back right.  I do not enjoy the way I am feeling and have been feeling.  I really need some joy in my life again.

Not letting God down?

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

I just read this verse in a book I am reading.  I can't explain the feeling that this gives me as I continue to move forward on my journey and as I look back on where I have been.  I think one of the things that haunts me when I make bad food choices or when I gain or don't loose weight is that I have disappointed God.  I ask for His strength every day to get me through this day and thank Him every night for protecting me and providing me the tools I needed that day.  But during some days I make my own decisions to eat however I chose and in turn disappoint Him.  It is one thing to disappoint myself or to disappoint my WW buddy or even my leader at the meeting, but it is a whole other thing to disappoint God.  I have disappointed myself many times in the past when trying to lose weight so I know what that feels like.  Usually that is followed by me giving up and gaining the weight back.  But disappointing God... that is something different all together.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that God realizes that we are human and at the very core of who we are we are sinful people and that He forgives us when we ask for forgiveness.  But I know what it felt like to disappoint my father.  I never wanted to disappoint my father when he was alive.  That was the last thing in the world I ever wanted to see, was the look of disappointment on his face.  I think I could stand anger and a beating many times over the look of disappointment.  So why and how can I continue to disappoint God?  Why do I consciously make the decisions I do to walk out from under His protection and walk my own path when He has a protected path laid out for me?  That is why I am on this journey.  That is why I continue to read, blog and pray so that I can figure that answer out and find out how this works for me.  I think I will also keep this verse close to me to remind me that He always holds me up.

Never before on any previous journey have I asked Him to help me.  Never before have I prayed daily and throughout the day that He give me strength to just get me through.  Never have I been so diligent about the fact that I alone do not have the strength to do this.  I will surely fail, but with His strength I think I can make it.  I don't know where I will be a year from now.  I don't know what I will weigh or what I will look like, but I know that God is working on me and I know that my faith and soul won't look the same, He is making sure of that. 

In the book I am reading she asks, following the verse I listed at the top, how can you let God down when you weren't hold Him up?  I will have to think on that one.  But while I am, I will continue to Trust My Journey.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13

Just a little Lost

A friend of mine put this on his facebook recently, "The more intensely we feel about an idea or goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment."  I too believe this is true.  As much as I am struggling right now I do believe this is true.  I just have to figure out how to reach that goal and beat back the human side of me that is trying every way possibl to sabatage this journey I am trying to follow.

When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement.  It was a statement that I was afraid to make.  I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways.  I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss.  I felt I had to do it.  I had to state that it was mine or it never would be.  I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it.  Well, I was happy to say that I continued.  I was getting stronger.  Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW).  I was moving right along.  I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky.  I was proud of myself.  I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds.  I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world.  If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling?  Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?

The last post I made I stated what I was feeling.  I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not?  I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me.  I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it.  So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction.  I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone.  It was no longer controlling my day.  I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to.  I do feel that God has brought me this far.  I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce.  But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing.  Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot.  I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back.  I feel lost and incomplete.  I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for.  I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago.  I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this."  Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control.  I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.

The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better.  That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go.  I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today. 

I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed.  One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway.  "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle.  Welcome my unsettled heart."  I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel. 

I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."  Philippian 3:12

You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say.  Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.

Being thankful

Yep, it's me again Margaret.  I was in a bit of a snit yesterday when I posted and I could not see past my own problems to see the blessings in front of me.  Since then, yes, a whole 12 hours God has shown me that I have way more to be thankful for than I have to complain about.

Let me start by saying I am a food addict.  Yes, there is such a thing and it is as real as an alcoholic or a drug addict.  For me it is more difficult an addiction to kick than either of those because you have to have food to survive.  Please don't hate me or write me dirty response for that statement, it is just how I feel.  You don't have to have alcohol, cigarettes or drugs to live.  Try giving up food and walking away from it completely.  Bet you can't do it and survive for very long.  A food addict has to learn how to eat healthy food in a healthy quantity while dealing with the addiction that got them fat in the first place.  Doesn't sound easy because it isn't.  This is part of why I feel I have never been able to get weight off and keep it off in my 41 years.  This is exactly where God hit me last night after my pity party for one.

After I blogged last night I went to bed.  I was saying my prayers thanking God for getting me through yesterday and to please give me the strength to get through today.  When He revealed something to me that really had not fully hit me since I started this journey 25 weeks ago.  He has delivered me from this addiction.  Don't get me wrong.  I still crave food and I still want things I should not have from time to time.  And I prove that the human in me can rear her ugly head and overpower God's strength in me by shoving him to the side and do what I want to do even when I know I am wrong.  But it dawned on me while laying in bed praying that the pull food has had on me every day has not been in me since I gave this journey over to God 25 weeks ago.  How did I miss that?  How did I miss this shift in my desire for food?  There are times that I truly look at food as fuel and not as something that I covet.  Who is that person and how did she get inside me?  I have told my WW buddy over and over that I really have not had any cravings this time and I keep attributing it to the fact that we can have all the fruit we want now.  It hit me like a lightening bolt last night.  NO!  It isn't the fruit - it is God.  It is God working in me changing who I am.  Wow, all I could say was thank you.

There are many other things I realized and I was overly thankful for the things that were revealed to me last night that I have been taking for granted, but I will leave this where it is and just say that God is good and will work wonders if you let Him and trust the journey He has in store for you.