I have learned a lot the 10 months that I have been traveling on this journey. Lately it has been more of a spiritual awakening and look into the inner workings of who I am and less of weight loss. To be honest, the inner workings of who I am have actually caused me to gain 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. But that is merely a bump in my road and a time of growth that will allow me to be a better person down the road and more equipped to keep the weight off once I get to that point. I knew this was going to be a long journey and I need to have patience and let God do the work in me that He is doing to get me there.
This time of year has become a sad, lonely and difficult time of year for me. For those of you who do not know me well, my mother died near Christmas 2 years ago. However, from the middle of November until she died on December 16th she was very sick. So starting in November until after the first of the year she is what I think about most of the day and night. Her death and trying to finally come to terms with it (even though I still haven't completely and don't know if that is possible) last year is what turned me to Weight Watchers in the first place. After me and my husband spent time alone in Charleston, SC for our Christmas last year I had come to the realization that I had to get the weight off. I had to increase my chances to live a long and healthy life. I had to really make an effort to change who I am.
Last year I could not bear the thought of decorating my house, playing Christmas music or buying presents without her being a part of the festivities. I am still not there and don't know how I am going to get there. We always spent the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve cooking together for the whole family. It had become our tradition. Me and my mother were as close and mother and daughter could be. Now, Thanksgiving reminds me of the last meal we had with her for that holiday when she was so sick from her cancer that I had to sit in her room with her away from the food because just the smell of it made her even sicker. I had to buy the meal and not cook it because I was too busy caring for her and had no time to cook and could not have cooked it in her house if I wanted to. Just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner now makes me remember that last time in her house. It was the last time our whole family was in the house together in one place. She went into the hospital on November 30th and died in there on December 16th. I wanted to crawl in my bed that year and not come out until I had to go back to work after the first of the year. I want to do the same right now.
Which is why this time of year I have a lot of sadness and depression that I don't know how to deal with. I can cry at the drop of a hat and do too frequently. I am certain that the people at work are going to ask me sometime soon if I need psychological help because I disappear and come back with my eyes and face red where I start crying and can't help it. I don't know how to "get over" the sadness.
I went to a conference recently where we talked about "dropping our stones" and getting all the ugly out of our lives because we should not carry this baggage around with us. This "stuff" that we carry around that stinks and makes our lives unbearable, or makes us unbearable to those around us is stuff we need to get rid of. But how do I get rid of my pain without getting rid of the memories? If I drop this stone and drop the sadness and depression that go along with it then I am afraid that I drop the small amount of joy that is attached to it. I am afraid that I drop the memories with it. My memories and pain are so intertwined I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I pray for some sort of guidance that will show me a way to do so. I have plenty of memories that give me great joy and make me smile every day about my mother but at this time of year the painful one creep in as well. Anyone who has had a person that they loved dearly die of cancer they know what I am talking about. It has changed me to a depth beyond what I think I could ever explain to anyone. Everyday there are times when I still want to call her, want to show her something that she would love to see, share a song she would like, and don't even get me started every time I go into a Starbucks. Just entering a Starbucks makes me think of her. But this time of year, with those memories comes pain and sadness and I don't know how to shake it.
"I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving." Psalms 69:29-30
With all of these emotions rolling through me like tidal waves I have learned that I am an emotional eater. I never knew I was, never thought I was. But trust me, I have learned that fact without a doubt. Stress and emotion will send me to something sweet, salty, crunch, gooey, food of any kind to fix what is wrong. My rational mind knows that food won't fix it, but there is still that ingrained part of me that I want to change so badly that does not understand that.
I have been doing a bible study about something completely different from this and the question that was asked at one point is what are you putting on your throne? Every morning I pray to God that He is the only thing I put on my throne, but what am I putting there? Memories? Food? Fulfillment? Happiness? Do I even know? Am I being honest enough with myself to find out so that I can change?
"You shall have no Gods before me." Exodus 20:3
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