Unrealized blessings

You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside." ~Oswald Chambers

Maybe I am looking at this all wrong.  Maybe God is "blessing" me at times when I think I am being tried.  Maybe He is teaching me when I think that I am not understanding or simply not hearing or that He is not hearing me.  Maybe it is that I have my perspective all screwed up. 

I have shared in previous posts some of what I am going through and some of the turmoil that I am dealing with internally.  I well up in tears at any given moment with little or no prodding.  I have a lot going on that I just can't seem to find the answer to or the reason why.  But maybe that is part of my blessing that I am failing to see.  Maybe those tears are what it is going to take for me to heal.  Maybe my soul needs those tears to flow to get the hurt out to truly heal what is broken and laid bare in my soul.  I know people who can deal with their pain, put it in its place and move on, but I have never been that type person.  For me there have always been tears.  God made me this way and I have grown to understand and even embrace that about myself.  I tell people that no one ever cries alone in my presence.  So perhaps, just perhaps, my tears are what in the end will heal me.  My sleepless nights need to become my comfort and solace in His presence and no longer be anxiety.  And just possibly these trials that I know I am going through I can begin to see His mercy shining through.

"...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalms 30:5

Perhaps all of these things I am feeling are the little nudges of God.  I might not always hear His audible voice, but maybe He is speaking to me and working to heal me through other sources.  One of those, which I have come to rely upon, is music.  Below is the song that I heard this morning which spoke volumes to my soul.  I do not think that the perfect songs come to me at the perfect times to give me the comfort and message that I need at that time.  I heard said one time that don't think that God doesn't answer your prayers.  He always answers our prayers, He just doesn't always answer them in the way we might have wanted and in the time frame we might have wanted.

"Blessings"
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

My soul is unsettled.

My soul is unsettled.  I don't know if it is better to realize this or to live in the oblivion I have been living in.  For years I have had this feeling that I just could not explain to anyone, I have tried on numerous occasions, but it just doesn't quite translate.  But as best I can explain is that I feel like there is something I am missing.  Like there is somewhere I am supposed to be, something I am supposed to be doing.  I feel anxious and can't remain completely still.  Looking back over all the years I have felt this I now wonder if that was God trying to nudge me and I just could not hear Him.  I don't know.

Driving home from church today I was in a traffic jam.  Of course with me in the car it can't be just your average traffic jam.  After our sermon today about Thanksgiving and gratitude I made sure to check my attitude and not get anxious or upset that we were sitting completely still just 10 feet past where I could have gotten off if I had noticed the traffic.  And no, I did not attempt to back down the on ramp like I saw a few others try.  I might have thought about it, but I refer you back to checking my attitude.  I was doing my best to be thankful for everything I could about my car, the good roads, the $2.87 a gallon gas that I just purchased, the fact that the gas was readily available, the fact that the traffic jam in front of the station caused by a small brush fire cleared before I left, the free fountain drink that the station was giving away.  I was running through every item about my car and my travel that I could so that I could sit there and have a grateful attitude.  Being the multi-tasker I am I also made sure to put a message on Facebook to let everyone know that they needed to avoid this section on the interstate because they did not want to get into the same jam I was in not knowing their level of thanksgiving and gratitude.  Oh, and while doing all of this, with my windows down on what turned out to be a gorgeous Sunday (of which I was also thankful) a bee flew in my car.  So now I was stopped on the interstate, texting, facebooking, being thankful for numerous thing, but now having to figure out how to get the bee out of my car.  Thankfully the bee found it's way out and I did not have to make anyone think I had lost my mind.  The traffic finally began to move and I noticed that there was a wreck on the other side of the road stopping traffic on that side as well.  Man this must be a big wreck to span two sides of an 8 lane interstate and the rather large median between.  As I draw closer to the area where the commotion was happening I realize why the traffic has been stopped and what has caused the wreck on the other side.  There were 5 or 6 grown men wrangling a bull in the median.  I assume that he started out in traffic hence the stoppage and the wreck on the other side was surely caused by people looking at a fairly uncommon site.  It is not every day you see a very large bull being roped on the interstate.  And this bull was not happy.  They had a rope around his neck and all My the men involved were doing all that they could to keep him under control.  He was swinging his head from side to side and slinging snot and foam all over the place.  Anyone who knows anything about cattle, by the time he gets to that state he is out of control and I am not sure how any of them were going to get him back in his trailer.

Of course I laughed about this, texted, and facebooked my friends and proceeded on home.  But that bull got me to thinking.  There have been times when I have felt a lot like that bull.  I did not realize it until I saw that display of anger, desperation and I am certain a fair amount of fear in that animal that he and I are a lot alike.  God has been working out some marvelous things in me lately.  Some of them have been beautiful and eye opening while some of it is ugly, shameful and even frightening.  But He is working on setting me free just the same.  I feel like I have been cooped up in a cage much like that bull and I have recently been set free.  I have gone through a lot and have a long way to go, but free is how I feel for the first time in a long time.  But God is setting my feet to a path and I don't have a clue where it is going on what I will find at the end, but I pray that I will always say yes to His requests to continue on it.   I have gotten some push back from people and circumstances around me just like he was getting from those men with the rope.  But none of the push back is as strong as the desire that God has put in me just like that bull's desire not to be man handled back in that trailer. 

This got me to thinking about the disciples and the fact that they left the path upon which they were walking to embark down another path.  They were successful men but yet they dropped what they were doing because something in their spirit called to them and told them that they needed to move.  It reminded me of a devotional I had just read earlier today about the path we are on and the one we should be on.  In it the author talks about the kind of life we lead..."There are two kind of life: The first is ordinary or the expected.  It is planned by someone other than you and mostly unfulfilling.  The second is extra-ordinary or beyond expectations.  It is finding the life which was created for you.  God has provided all of us with the possibility of an exciting and fulfilling life.  A life He breathes on and causes to become everything we could hope for.  He wants you and me to live a satisfying life!"

I know that the person I am becoming, the person God is molding me to be, the character and personality that He is nurturing in me won't make everyone happy.  I am sure that there are going to be people who I have known a long time who don't recognize who I am becoming and some will even make fun of me.  But I now know that my soul has been unsettled for quite a long time and finally I think I am getting some answers as to why.  Hopefully soon I will get signs as to what He has in mind for me.  I pray that I will have the courage that the disciples did and walk the path that He has created for me when the time comes to choose that path.  And I pray that those who love me will understand that who I am becoming is a better version of me than the person that I was.

Oh no...the holidays

I have learned a lot the 10 months that I have been traveling on this journey.  Lately it has been more of a spiritual awakening and look into the inner workings of who I am and less of weight loss.  To be honest, the inner workings of who I am have actually caused me to gain 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  But that is merely a bump in my road and a time of growth that will allow me to be a better person down the road and more equipped to keep the weight off once I get to that point.  I knew this was going to be a long journey and I need to have patience and let God do the work in me that He is doing to get me there.

This time of year has become a sad, lonely and difficult time of year for me.  For those of you who do not know me well, my mother died near Christmas 2 years ago.  However, from the middle of November until she died on December 16th she was very sick.  So starting in November until after the first of the year she is what I think about most of the day and night.  Her death and trying to finally come to terms with it (even though I still haven't completely and don't know if that is possible) last year is what turned me to Weight Watchers in the first place.  After me and my husband spent time alone in Charleston, SC for our Christmas last year I had come to the realization that I had to get the weight off.  I had to increase my chances to live a long and healthy life.  I had to really make an effort to change who I am.

Last year I could not bear the thought of decorating my house, playing Christmas music or buying presents without her being a part of the festivities.  I am still not there and don't know how I am going to get there.  We always spent the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve cooking together for the whole family.  It had become our tradition.  Me and my mother were as close and mother and daughter could be.  Now, Thanksgiving reminds me of the last meal we had with her for that holiday when she was so sick from her cancer that I had to sit in her room with her away from the food because just the smell of it made her even sicker.  I had to buy the meal and not cook it because I was too busy caring for her and had no time to cook and could not have cooked it in her house if I wanted to.  Just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner now makes me remember that last time in her house. It was the last time our whole family was in the house together in one place.  She went into the hospital on November 30th and died in there on December 16th.  I wanted to crawl in my bed that year and not come out until I had to go back to work after the first of the year.  I want to do the same right now.

Which is why this time of year I have a lot of sadness and depression that I don't know how to deal with.  I can cry at the drop of a hat and do too frequently.  I am certain that the people at work are going to ask me sometime soon if I need psychological help because I disappear and come back with my eyes and face red where I start crying and can't help it.  I don't know how to "get over" the sadness. 

I went to a conference recently where we talked about "dropping our stones" and getting all the ugly out of our lives because we should not carry this baggage around with us.  This "stuff" that we carry around that stinks and makes our lives unbearable, or makes us unbearable to those around us is stuff we need to get rid of.  But how do I get rid of my pain without getting rid of the memories?  If I drop this stone and drop the sadness and depression that go along with it then I am afraid that I drop the small amount of joy that is attached to it.  I am afraid that I drop the memories with it.  My memories and pain are so intertwined I don't know where one ends and the other begins.  I pray for some sort of guidance that will show me a way to do so.  I have plenty of memories that give me great joy and make me smile every day about my mother but at this time of year the painful one creep in as well.  Anyone who has had a person that they loved dearly die of cancer they know what I am talking about.  It has changed me to a depth beyond what I think I could ever explain to anyone.   Everyday there are times when I still want to call her, want to show her something that she would love to see, share a song she would like, and don't even get me started every time I go into a Starbucks.  Just entering a Starbucks makes me think of her.  But this time of year, with those memories comes pain and sadness and I don't know how to shake it. 

"I am suffering and in pain.  Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.  Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving."  Psalms 69:29-30

With all of these emotions rolling through me like tidal waves I have learned that I am an emotional eater.  I never knew I was, never thought I was.  But trust me, I have learned that fact without a doubt.  Stress and emotion will send me to something sweet, salty, crunch, gooey, food of any kind to fix what is wrong.  My rational mind knows that food won't fix it, but there is still that ingrained part of me that I want to change so badly that does not understand that.

I have been doing a bible study about something completely different from this and the question that was asked at one point is what are you putting on your throne?  Every morning I pray to God that He is the only thing I put on my throne, but what am I putting there?  Memories?  Food?  Fulfillment?  Happiness?  Do I even know?  Am I being honest enough with myself to find out so that I can change?

"You shall have no Gods before me."  Exodus 20:3

Rock Bottom

I now know what addicts say when they finally hit rock bottom.  I hit my rock bottom this morning.  I have been out of control, out of touch and unresponsive.  As I told my friend, it has been like static playing in my head and I could not get thoughts out or even make them coherent to blog for some time.  I am not sure where it started or how I got in the shape I was in.  Me and my WW anchor used to text everyday about what we were eating and how we were doing and that too has silenced.  I may have caused that or she too is sitting where I am.  But as it has been said, when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go.  For me, there was only one way to look and He has pulled me up

I got on the scale this morning knowing that I was not going to like what I would see.  I knew that I had not been diligent about what I had been eating.  I had been lying to myself.  I had not cared at all and had been putting anything I wanted in my mouth at anytime I wanted it.  The scale does not lie.  I am up 9 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  That will wake you up.  It was like a cold slap in my face, a slap that I needed.

As I stood in the shower trying to figure out where this started, where did I go wrong, what caused this to happen, I realized that did not matter.  I needed to go back to what got me through this journey when I was on top.  What gave me the strength before to do what I know I had never been able to do any time I had tried to change my eating habits and get healthy before, God.  I realized I used to pray every night thanking Him for getting me through the day and then every morning asking for His strength to get me through the day.  When did that stop?  Why did that stop?  I knew that is what needed to happen right then and it could not wait until I was out of the shower.  So I started praying in the shower.  I started having a conversation with God asking Him to help me once again.

Let me interject something here.  Yesterday at church Pastor Allen was preaching on "What Do You Know".  He gave us verses about I Know and then gave us 30 truths for us to remember about God and to share with our friends.  One thing I know about God that I don't think was on that list is that He always wants the best for us.  No matter what we do or how far we stray, He always wants the best for us.  He will leave 99 of His lambs to go after the 1 that is lost.  Now I know that we can stray and turn our backs too often and eventually I am sure He will wash His hands.  But He wants the best for us.  And I know He wants me to be healthy which is why I am doing what I am doing.  Let's be honest, at 41 I am not doing this to get into a bikini or find me a handsome guy, I already have a husband that I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  I am doing this to reduce my risk of cancer and heart disease and hopefully live a little longer.  All of these things I feel certain He can get on board with and wants for me too.  One of the verses Pastor Allen shared with us, though spoke to me and I had to go back and find it after this morning...

"I Know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."  Job 42:2

God visited me in that shower this morning.  I guess he waited until I was at rock bottom, and my most vulnerable, naked, crying and alone.  I was praying to Him that He please help me get back on my path.  Help me find my way back to where I was when I was eating a healthy diet and following the healthy lifestyle I was on and it was becoming second nature to me.  I was literally begging for His help.  I was begging that he remove the yoke of slavery that he had removed from me and that I had placed back on my neck when I heard a whisper in my head as clear as if He were standing there with me, "Satan has had hold of you" and as soon as I heard this I felt a weight being lift from my shoulders.  I did not realize I had been stooped over standing there but I had.  I was able to stand up straight and for once, without being aware of it and take in a full breath easily.  I cannot describe to you the freedom I felt in that moment.  The pure joy that I felt.  The clarity I felt to my very soul in where I stand and what has been going on within me for the past 3 weeks and let me tell you that is a feeling I wish everyone could feel.  I wept openly thanking God for answering me in that bathroom for a good while, and it felt good.  I know that might sound crazy to some people, but so be it.  As Pastor Allen say, this is one of the things I know.  And I also now know that I no longer sit at rock bottom.  God has lifted the yoke of slavery from me yet again and has restored me back on my path.  Will I stumble?  Yes because I am human.  But He will be there to hear my pleas for help and right my path once again.

It might be raining and cold, but for me, today is a beautiful day.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 NIV)

Freedom - reminder to be thankful.

Do we really realize on a daily basis the freedoms that we are allowed?  Do we take advantage of the freedoms that we, as Americans, are given to live our lives in pretty much any way we want?  Do we realize that those freedoms also extend to our relationship with God and that there are people and countries that don't have the freedom that we have and we and take for granted?

I was trying to catch up on my reading today at lunch, because once again I am behind, and spent a good deal of time reading through Exodus in my bible.  We all know the story of Exodus mostly thanks to Charlton Heston and his performance in the 10 Commandments.  But have you ever spent time actually reading the book, studying the story as it is written?  I was reading about God speaking to Moses while he is up on the mountain giving him all the rules on how the arc of the covenant is to be built, how the curtains are to be woven and sown and to what dimensions and then how they are to be attached, how every piece of wood is to be cut and with what metal it is to be covered, how every garment is to be made and which are to have stones on them and how they are to be engraved to represent the 12 tribes, exactly how they are to enter and which animals are to used for sacrifices and what part is to be burnt there and what parts are to be removed and burnt.  Everything is in exact detail down to who can enter, what their clothes are to look like, who is to wear what and if the wrong person enters and does not perform the exact ritual in the correct order he will be killed.  It is very detailed and I have no idea how they ever remembered it all without cliff notes or something to remind them.  But that God, literally, that we don't have to deal with that.  Our freedom is such a blessing and I am not sure that I have ever truly realized it before today while reading that passage.  We can pick up a bible and read it whenever and wherever we want.  If you don't have one, there are programs and organizations that will give you one, or you can pick one up at most Christian bookstores for as little as $5 these days.  It is amazing the freedom we have with no threat that we might be harmed or worse for the simple act of reading a bible in public.  We have churches on every corner in every city, there are meetings and programs run by those churches on almost every night of the week with outreach programs.  The list goes on and on.  But still do we realize our freedom? 

I was looking through a travel advisory today for a visit to Saudi Arabia for someone at my office who will be traveling later this month.  The advisory, I suppose, is what really got this whole thought process going.  To visit that country you are not allowed to take a bible or even wear a cross to show your love for a God that has sacrificed everything to give us these freedoms.  Anything depicting the Christian religion is strictly forbidden.  It did not say what the punishment would be if found, but I cannot think it would be pleasant.  I know that they have a different set of beliefs, but at least in our country you are allowed to have a different belief and not fear persecution and or death for displaying it.  With everything going through my head as of late, and all the static that I just can't shift through, the one thing that has remained constant is God.  No matter what I might be dealing with, or not dealing with whatever the case may be, God is always there.  I can turn to my bible and I can read and He gives me wisdom to make it through that moment.  I can go to church and I don't have some archaic set of rules to follow before entering, He just meets me there no matter how I show up whether it be happy, sad, broken or hurting and I always leave in a better place than I showed up through the blessing of His grace and mercy.  I have the freedom to read my bible, wear a shirt that may have a bible verse on it, or post a bible verse on facebook because it spoke to me and I felt it might be of benefit to others in some way.  God provided a way for us to enter into His kingdom no matter where we are or what we have going on, and I am going to remind myself every day to be thankful for living in a country where I can be me and love God openly as much as He loves me.