This weekend was not quite what I expected. Can't really tell you what I expected but this was not it. It was so much more!! There are points in our lives that we will always remember like when we got our first car, fell in love the first time, give our lives over to Jesus, when we are baptized, and weekends like this one. I attended a women's retreat on Saturday that has forever changed my life. My walk with God, my faith, and who I am will, by the grace of God and through the teaching of some wonderfully, God inspired women will never be the same. I feel like my very soul has been ripped open and knowledge, truth and love have been poured into it. It has been emotional to say the least, and I have not made it to the other side of that emotion yet. God is working on me and I am not certain where He is taking me.
This weekend, I finally learned to put down my concepts of what and who I am supposed to be and learned what it means to "live forward". I did not realize when I started my blog last week that I finally ended last night that God was preparing me last Sunday and through the week for what He was going to give me yesterday. I finally realized with horror and shame that I was a disappointment to God and that I never wanted to show Him the back of my head again when I did not use the strength that I asked Him to give me and He gave me readily. When I ask Him for His strength and He gives it to me, I never want to disappoint Him again by not using what He gives me and turning my back. I want to always be facing Him and leaning into Him. Using the strength that He gives me and listening for His voice. I want Him to see me and I want to be ready to see Him where and when He comes to me. I had no idea that a short six days after I began I would get the message of "living forward". Always facing forward and never looking back. Learning to leave the past behind us.
Far too often, we carry our past with us, the pain and the hurt of when people have done us wrong or the addictions that we live with. An actual bag was used at this retreat to demonstrate our baggage, what we carry around. Just like what we carry, that red bag was in her hand. With that bag looped over her arms, she was not free to do what she wanted, when she wanted, she had to always be mindful of the bag. She had to always pick the bag up and carry it with her. Depending on how heavy the bag might be could further hinder our progress, or how often you look in that bag or take out an item to look at it. How often do you look in the bag and take out a piece of anger, look at it and then store it back in the bag? How often do you pull out a article of regret or disappointment, turn it around, remember it and then store it back in your bag? It gets heavy and begins to take up all of you time just keeping up with the items you have stored in that bag. And what if you have something dead in the bag? What happens when you carry around something dead? It stinks. Are you carrying around something dead in your bag? Are you giving off an odor from your soul? Does your soul stink? Can people tell it from you? When people meet you, what do they think of you? What does your soul say to them? Are you projecting light or are you projecting anger and hatred? Is it a sweet smell or does your soul stink? We have to choose to drop the bag and move forward. We have to learn to live forward. Just like a warrior, we have to press forward. There are forces that will work against us, and believe me, as soon as I left the retreat they started. Actually before I got outside they had already started and the other ladies I was with had the same thing happen to them. Satan will work against us, but my God is stronger than that. We have to learn to press against them. There is no force as strong as the force that God places in us to press against it. He will give us all the strength we need. As I said in my last blog. When we ask for strength He gives it. It is up to us what we do with it. Are we going to press violently against those forces or are we going to give up? What will be your choice? You have to press violently to become a warrior. And after this weekend, as the lady who was speaking said, I don't care if I have to crawl across that finish line as long as I am pressing forward I will keep pressing. We have to keep our eyes fixed on the prize...I don't know what this means for me and I don't know what God has in mind for me, but I am ready. I am scared to say that, but I am ready. This is going to be my time. My journey and my issue with eating are going to fall in line. God has a plan for me and those issues are going to take a back seat. He will deal with them along the way.
Which brings me to today. I am sure I will visit "living forward" again, because what I learned yesterday is resonating in my soul and could never be put onto paper and into one blog at one time. I am not certain that I have internalized or realized all that was said. But today at church the children's choir performed. Most of you who know me know my friend Machelle (yes, deal with it and here it comes Machelle and I apologize if any of this you did not want to share). Her son Trent was performing in the choir. What most of you don't realize is my connection to her kids. I, of course, don't have kids of my own which is by choice. But her kids are family to me. We vacation together, I see them probably as often as some of their actual family does and for years they had no clue I wasn't blood related to them. Trent and I have a relationship that is a bit different than any I have ever had with any child other than my blood nephew who I love even more than chocolate. I can't explain it, it just is. I am very protective of him probably partly because of the difficult trip he has had coming into this world and the struggle he had just trying to become the wonderful, brilliant child he is today. Those of you who don't know Trent are missing out. He was born very premature and had to fight tooth and nail just to survive. He had very autistic tendencies and went into therapy at the age of 6 months. He was withdrawn from everyone except for his mother who he clung to with a death grip. At his 1st birthday he retreated to his playpen because he was terrified of all the people and the commotion going on in his home because that was where he felt safe. The therapists were not certain that he would ever talk or work his way out of his problems. But by the grace of God and through the therapy at Special Kids in M'Boro and the pre-K program he was enrolled in he came out of his shell and began to shine. Today he is more brave and has a brighter spirit of God than most adults. He is not afraid to speak what is on his heart and mind to anyone.
I say that all to get to my point of what I observed today that God revealed to me while watching them perform today. Through my tears of pride and awe at this child who 6 years ago you would never have made me believe would have been in that sanctuary with that noise let alone on that stage performing did something that made me take note. This 8 year old already has what this 41 year old is just now starting to realize. I noticed that while he was on stage he was locked on and focused on something the entire time he stood there. Every move he made, every note he sang, every thing he did, he seemed to be focused on something. It took me a minute to realize that there was one of their choir leaders in the audience in front of them and he was locked on her and in complete focus of what she was telling him to do. She was his source. For that performance, she had the answers to what he needed. He knew where to look and once he realized who had the answers he was not going to break eye contact and look around and all the confusion, all the other kids, or all the people in the 5,000 person sanctuary. He had gotten the lesson that she was his source and he was not going to lose sight of her. He wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to please those in charge and I am certain please God with his worship. He did not want to make mistakes. He did not want to step out on his own and let distractions pull him away from what he was put on that stage to do. Wow. He has it. 33 years my junior and he has it. God is my source and I should treat Him the way Trent was treating that choir director. I should lock my eyes on Him and never look away. I should not let the confusion, noise, distractions, people around me or anything else break my line of sight with my source either. Thank you Trent. You have taught me many lessons in your 8 short years. Many you don't know that you have, some that you do. But this one so far is the greatest of them. Pastor Allen has been teaching us that we have a Mighty Source, but Trent has taught me that I am to lock my eyes on Him and not look away.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Hypocrite or disappointment?
Hypocrite or Disappointment?
What am I doing?
I started this blog earlier in the week because that was how I was feeling, but did not get a chance to finish what I wanted to write. So many things have happened since then, so many tears have fallen (good and bad) so many things have been learned and so many revelations have been revealed.
Let me go back and write about some of the things that were on my mind when I started and see where this takes me when it ends since I am not certain myself where that will go and this is coming to me completely freestyle.
Last week in church we were talking about the birth and death of Jesus and what stuck with me as I drove home was His crucifixion. I have 45 minutes to ride home by myself and I tend to reflect on what we discussed so it gives me a little time to reflect. I got to thinking about what our pastor said about Jesus' crucifixion and what He had to endure which lead me to think about myself and my journey. I ask God for his strength every day to help me with my journey. And as I have said before in this blog I feel at times that He gives it to me and He has even delivered me from my addiction (I will get to that later). The pain that Jesus had to withstand when He was being crucified is beyond anything that most of us as humans will ever be asked to endure or physically comprehend, and He did it willingly. He knew what was coming but yet He did it. He could have said no, He could have told God that He needed to find someone better for the job, but no, knowing what was in store for Him, He still did it. But here I sit asking for His strength every morning and every night when I go to bed and numerous times during the day when I struggle but yet I still turn my back on Him when He gives it. I take what He gives for granted and don't take advantage of His gift as I should. How devastating must I be to God that Jesus can withstand that pain but I don't utilize the one thing that I ask for because it is too hard? It does not cause me pain, it is just a little difficult. How much of a disappointment I must be to God that He gives me the strength that I ask for but I put it down and turn my back on Him because I might have to step outside my comfort zone or I might have to give something material up? Jesus did not turn His back and he was asked to do the unthinkable. How much pain do I inflict on God when I can't do what He asks of me for just one day? Who am I to ask for that strength when it is obvious that I am not truly meaning it because I do not use it for the purpose He is giving it. I thought I had this at one point, and if I did, how do I get back there? If I never did, how do I find it? I don't ever want to show God the back of my head ever again. I don't want to show God the disrespect of asking for His strength and then turning my back on Him as if He never responded or I never asked. I show my boss at work more respect than I show the King of Kings. I want God to smile and think of me, she is devoted and always follows what I tell her, and not cringe when He thinks of me as that is the girl who keeps turning her back on me every time I try to help her. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, the person that I have not tapped into yet.
The bible says that when Jesus was crucified the heavens fell silent, I am not certain that my actions are even worth of a pause.
Which leads me to today. I went to a women's retreat today and heard many truths that I needed to hear. One of the things that resonated was the fact that if we are to "Live Forward" we have to let go of our past. Like a person walking around carrying a literal bag, we carry our past with us and as long as it is with us, it is pulling us down and keeping us from our full potential. I have been walking around carrying a lot of baggage with me in regards to my eating and my weight. I am carrying baggage in regards to a lot of other things (some that were revealed or addressed today) as well, but I am sure I will touch on them later. But just in regard to my journey right now and the addiction to food. I know I have to let go of my death grip I have on my need for that comfort I get from my food. There is comfort available to me and God is standing there ready and willing to give me all the comfort I need. All I need to do is ask and actually take it and use it. Am I a disappointment or a hypocrite for asking for God's help and then turning my back on Him. No, I don't think so. I think that God knows where I am. He knows what I need. He knows the depth of my hurt. He knows what it will take to heal me. And no matter how many times I turn my back on Him, even though the thought of that breaks my heart and makes me feel like the worst of His children, He does not see me that way. He sees me as His beautiful child that is learning a lesson and needs this time to grow.
Today was an amazing day of learning and growing. I am still absorbing what was said and I am sure that I will share some of that on another post when I have had time to truly let it sink in and become part of me. Thank you God for the work you are doing on me.
What am I doing?
I started this blog earlier in the week because that was how I was feeling, but did not get a chance to finish what I wanted to write. So many things have happened since then, so many tears have fallen (good and bad) so many things have been learned and so many revelations have been revealed.
Let me go back and write about some of the things that were on my mind when I started and see where this takes me when it ends since I am not certain myself where that will go and this is coming to me completely freestyle.
Last week in church we were talking about the birth and death of Jesus and what stuck with me as I drove home was His crucifixion. I have 45 minutes to ride home by myself and I tend to reflect on what we discussed so it gives me a little time to reflect. I got to thinking about what our pastor said about Jesus' crucifixion and what He had to endure which lead me to think about myself and my journey. I ask God for his strength every day to help me with my journey. And as I have said before in this blog I feel at times that He gives it to me and He has even delivered me from my addiction (I will get to that later). The pain that Jesus had to withstand when He was being crucified is beyond anything that most of us as humans will ever be asked to endure or physically comprehend, and He did it willingly. He knew what was coming but yet He did it. He could have said no, He could have told God that He needed to find someone better for the job, but no, knowing what was in store for Him, He still did it. But here I sit asking for His strength every morning and every night when I go to bed and numerous times during the day when I struggle but yet I still turn my back on Him when He gives it. I take what He gives for granted and don't take advantage of His gift as I should. How devastating must I be to God that Jesus can withstand that pain but I don't utilize the one thing that I ask for because it is too hard? It does not cause me pain, it is just a little difficult. How much of a disappointment I must be to God that He gives me the strength that I ask for but I put it down and turn my back on Him because I might have to step outside my comfort zone or I might have to give something material up? Jesus did not turn His back and he was asked to do the unthinkable. How much pain do I inflict on God when I can't do what He asks of me for just one day? Who am I to ask for that strength when it is obvious that I am not truly meaning it because I do not use it for the purpose He is giving it. I thought I had this at one point, and if I did, how do I get back there? If I never did, how do I find it? I don't ever want to show God the back of my head ever again. I don't want to show God the disrespect of asking for His strength and then turning my back on Him as if He never responded or I never asked. I show my boss at work more respect than I show the King of Kings. I want God to smile and think of me, she is devoted and always follows what I tell her, and not cringe when He thinks of me as that is the girl who keeps turning her back on me every time I try to help her. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, the person that I have not tapped into yet.
The bible says that when Jesus was crucified the heavens fell silent, I am not certain that my actions are even worth of a pause.
Which leads me to today. I went to a women's retreat today and heard many truths that I needed to hear. One of the things that resonated was the fact that if we are to "Live Forward" we have to let go of our past. Like a person walking around carrying a literal bag, we carry our past with us and as long as it is with us, it is pulling us down and keeping us from our full potential. I have been walking around carrying a lot of baggage with me in regards to my eating and my weight. I am carrying baggage in regards to a lot of other things (some that were revealed or addressed today) as well, but I am sure I will touch on them later. But just in regard to my journey right now and the addiction to food. I know I have to let go of my death grip I have on my need for that comfort I get from my food. There is comfort available to me and God is standing there ready and willing to give me all the comfort I need. All I need to do is ask and actually take it and use it. Am I a disappointment or a hypocrite for asking for God's help and then turning my back on Him. No, I don't think so. I think that God knows where I am. He knows what I need. He knows the depth of my hurt. He knows what it will take to heal me. And no matter how many times I turn my back on Him, even though the thought of that breaks my heart and makes me feel like the worst of His children, He does not see me that way. He sees me as His beautiful child that is learning a lesson and needs this time to grow.
Today was an amazing day of learning and growing. I am still absorbing what was said and I am sure that I will share some of that on another post when I have had time to truly let it sink in and become part of me. Thank you God for the work you are doing on me.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Two journeys as one...
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
You know, it is funny that this would be the verse that would be given to me this morning. I went to bed last night in tears begging God to help me. Help me on more levels than I think that I even know that I need help. But the one that I keep returning to is my eating - the journey that started this whole blog. The steps that started me down this road. The decision that I made after returning from our trip at Christmas determined to do better, be better, be healthier because I had no idea how many more second chances I was going to be given. Having no idea when I walked into that Weight Watchers building that I would not only start shedding weight but I would start opening up a part of my heart and soul that had been closed off to God for some time. I did not realize at the time that it had been closed to begin with when, where or even why. I guess it is like the exercise equipment that we all have in our houses. When you first get them you are on fire and are using them every day. You are all about your exercise equipment and how it is changing you and your body and making you into a better person. But over time you get used to the equipment, you think you know better, and you start using them less and less and eventually they become nothing more than a place to hang your clothing. I am ashamed to say that God had become my spiritual clothing rack. I still believed and I still talked about God whenever the subject came up, but I had stopped going to church and I had stopped searching for Him and longing for Him. Something changed within me. I don't know the exact place or time. I don't know where along this journey the transformation happened, but my quest for weight loss and my desire to draw closer to God became intertwined and I cannot see one without seeing the other any longer. I can't differentiate my weight loss journey from my God journey. I guess that is what God had in mind all along and I just had to grow up to understand. Maybe that is why all of my attempts to lose weight when I was younger never worked. Maybe I was not mature enough to "get it". But I can't see how I could ever continue with one of these journeys without the other being a part of it.
Which makes me ponder a statement I made on June 28th in one of my blogs. I made the statement that God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know that on that date I truly believed that. If you were to ask me today if I believed it on that date I would say, well I did on the 28th. Do I think God would deliver me and then take the gift away from me? No. Do I think I was deceived to make me falter? I don't know. Was I being cocky and overconfident and had really not been delivered? Maybe. But on that date I truly felt like I had been delivered from the food addiction that I have been living under my entire memorable life. I don't think I would feel that way to the core of who I am and it not be true. I think the more real possibility is that I have been delivered and after realizing it my sinful human self got in the way as it has so many times before. I was afraid to speak the words. Superstitions, that I do not truly believe in typically made me cringe after I typed that blog. I was afraid I would "jinx" it. I have to change how I think. I could not just sit back and let God be God. If God did in fact deliver me from my addiction then it means that He washed me of my sin in regards to that addiction at the same time. He has forgiven as I have begged Him to do over and over. If I do not accept that and accept the deliverance and claim it as my own then I cheapen the fact that Jesus shed His blood to do so. How horrible and conceited an idea is that. Why wouldn't Jesus forgive me and deliver me? Am I, a child of God, not worthy? I know that I don't act as if I am most of the time, but the bible teaches us that we are all worthy of His forgiveness. And if I have turned my back after he did deliver me and returned to my old ways, which I am ashamed to admit that I have, can I reclaim it? I want more than anything to reclaim His deliverance. I will continue to pray that is exactly what happens until I am secure in the knowledge that it is exactly where I am. I want deliverance from my addiction. The deliverance that I feel I received on the 28th of June and then turned my back on. If I can be blessed enough to be given a second chance just one more time.
-Lord, I will not get tangled up again! I am staying free!!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." James 1:2
You know, it is funny that this would be the verse that would be given to me this morning. I went to bed last night in tears begging God to help me. Help me on more levels than I think that I even know that I need help. But the one that I keep returning to is my eating - the journey that started this whole blog. The steps that started me down this road. The decision that I made after returning from our trip at Christmas determined to do better, be better, be healthier because I had no idea how many more second chances I was going to be given. Having no idea when I walked into that Weight Watchers building that I would not only start shedding weight but I would start opening up a part of my heart and soul that had been closed off to God for some time. I did not realize at the time that it had been closed to begin with when, where or even why. I guess it is like the exercise equipment that we all have in our houses. When you first get them you are on fire and are using them every day. You are all about your exercise equipment and how it is changing you and your body and making you into a better person. But over time you get used to the equipment, you think you know better, and you start using them less and less and eventually they become nothing more than a place to hang your clothing. I am ashamed to say that God had become my spiritual clothing rack. I still believed and I still talked about God whenever the subject came up, but I had stopped going to church and I had stopped searching for Him and longing for Him. Something changed within me. I don't know the exact place or time. I don't know where along this journey the transformation happened, but my quest for weight loss and my desire to draw closer to God became intertwined and I cannot see one without seeing the other any longer. I can't differentiate my weight loss journey from my God journey. I guess that is what God had in mind all along and I just had to grow up to understand. Maybe that is why all of my attempts to lose weight when I was younger never worked. Maybe I was not mature enough to "get it". But I can't see how I could ever continue with one of these journeys without the other being a part of it.
Which makes me ponder a statement I made on June 28th in one of my blogs. I made the statement that God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know that on that date I truly believed that. If you were to ask me today if I believed it on that date I would say, well I did on the 28th. Do I think God would deliver me and then take the gift away from me? No. Do I think I was deceived to make me falter? I don't know. Was I being cocky and overconfident and had really not been delivered? Maybe. But on that date I truly felt like I had been delivered from the food addiction that I have been living under my entire memorable life. I don't think I would feel that way to the core of who I am and it not be true. I think the more real possibility is that I have been delivered and after realizing it my sinful human self got in the way as it has so many times before. I was afraid to speak the words. Superstitions, that I do not truly believe in typically made me cringe after I typed that blog. I was afraid I would "jinx" it. I have to change how I think. I could not just sit back and let God be God. If God did in fact deliver me from my addiction then it means that He washed me of my sin in regards to that addiction at the same time. He has forgiven as I have begged Him to do over and over. If I do not accept that and accept the deliverance and claim it as my own then I cheapen the fact that Jesus shed His blood to do so. How horrible and conceited an idea is that. Why wouldn't Jesus forgive me and deliver me? Am I, a child of God, not worthy? I know that I don't act as if I am most of the time, but the bible teaches us that we are all worthy of His forgiveness. And if I have turned my back after he did deliver me and returned to my old ways, which I am ashamed to admit that I have, can I reclaim it? I want more than anything to reclaim His deliverance. I will continue to pray that is exactly what happens until I am secure in the knowledge that it is exactly where I am. I want deliverance from my addiction. The deliverance that I feel I received on the 28th of June and then turned my back on. If I can be blessed enough to be given a second chance just one more time.
-Lord, I will not get tangled up again! I am staying free!!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." James 1:2
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Soar Like Wings of Eagles
I don't even know where to start. God is working out so much in me right now that go beyond where I thought this was blog or my journey was going when I started. I started this just about my weight loss. But as time goes on, He has started using it to move me into a closer relationship with Him. I have been a believer for many years and gave my life over to him in my early 20's, but over the last few years have felt a distance grow between us. He has been revealing things to me through this journey that whether I am ready for them or not, they are there.
I as I write this I realize that there has been a flood of emotions going through me since the last time I blogged anything. I have not been able to bring myself to do much of anything other than to throw myself down and beg God to show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. Please just show me what and where my next move should be.
Since I last wrote I went on a wonderful trip to Florida. I am always in awe of God's beauty when I am on or near the water. I am not a talented writer and cannot truly put into words the awe I feel at His grand design when I sit on that beach and just absorb is grandeur. To look out over that great expanse at what appears to be a barren wasteland when in reality it is teeming just beneath the surface with a whole world of unseen and wondrous life. Just as we have a world above and outside the water that functions dependently each to one another and every animal has a part and each works with the other in His intricate design, there is another, yet different world that He created to live beneath the water. Different worlds that, though they don't appear to be, are intricately intertwined with one another in many ways and at many points. I could sit there and marvel at the sunrise, sunset and every bird, fish and creepy crawly animal in between. I have to thank God every time I am given even a day to sit and enjoy time in a chair enjoying an ocean breeze.
But unfortunately closely following my vacation came heartache. On the 21st of this month my house was broken into and almost every item that had value, sentimental and sale able value, was stolen. That morning was like any other morning. I went to work as did my husband. But as I was returning to work after having lunch with a friend I got a call that shattered my day and my feeling of safety. Dane came home to find my jewelry box open and empty. Everything was gone. They got many other items, but the items in my jewelry box are the items that hurt me the most. I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that began rolling through me. The only thing I could think was that my mother's wedding rings were in there. My mother whose death still weighs heavy on me many days. How could they take my mother's wedding rings? How could anyone be so cruel?
After many tears, feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, and not understanding why, I think I am finally getting on the other side of it. I can truly say that although I wish that this never happened, I would also never wish this on anyone. I have prayed numerous times that through the grace of God I will somehow get my mother's jewelry and Dane will get his father's wedding ring back. But through this whole ordeal I have been drawn closer to God. Through my pain and tears He has been talking to me and trying to comfort me as only He can. I will share with you a couple of verses that I feel where given to me to hold on to until I have made it completely to the other side. I still have my moments, and I am still checking our doors a couple times each at night. But I feel God has told me I will be ok. The items were material. I may not get my mom's rings back, but I will get better than that, I will see her again one day and that is what I have to hang onto.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 NIV)
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "(1 Peter 1:6, 7 NIV)
And though God has been working on my anger and my hurt, my eating has been out of control. I guess I thought that it was ok since I was having such a hard time. I should only have to deal with one thing at a time right? I have been struggling since that day to find my way back on the path of my journey. I have gained a little weight, but not a bunch. I am still not eating the way that I should, but I did read something that helped me make a decision that I had to come to...
"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you, or you can lit it strengthen you."
So I decided that I would let this strengthen me. I have decided to allow God to teach me through this and to give me the knowledge and wings that I will need to move on. I cannot make it down this path on my own, but I will make it over the obstacles that are currently sitting in my path. I am not completely over it and I still, no matter how I try not to, will mourn the fact that my mother's rings are gone. But I am getting better day by day. Soon I will be firmly back on my path and with God's strength my weight will begin to make it's way back down again. But I have to continue to take it one day at a time. I have to continue to ask for God's strength as I have been doing since day one. It is just that now I need Him more than I ever did before. I need Him to protect me on my path, give me strength and heal me all at the same time. But, my God is an awesome God and He can do all of this and more. It is only us that put limits on what He can do.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30, 31 NIV)
Thank you God for never giving up on me even when I give up on me from time to time.
I as I write this I realize that there has been a flood of emotions going through me since the last time I blogged anything. I have not been able to bring myself to do much of anything other than to throw myself down and beg God to show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. Please just show me what and where my next move should be.
Since I last wrote I went on a wonderful trip to Florida. I am always in awe of God's beauty when I am on or near the water. I am not a talented writer and cannot truly put into words the awe I feel at His grand design when I sit on that beach and just absorb is grandeur. To look out over that great expanse at what appears to be a barren wasteland when in reality it is teeming just beneath the surface with a whole world of unseen and wondrous life. Just as we have a world above and outside the water that functions dependently each to one another and every animal has a part and each works with the other in His intricate design, there is another, yet different world that He created to live beneath the water. Different worlds that, though they don't appear to be, are intricately intertwined with one another in many ways and at many points. I could sit there and marvel at the sunrise, sunset and every bird, fish and creepy crawly animal in between. I have to thank God every time I am given even a day to sit and enjoy time in a chair enjoying an ocean breeze.
But unfortunately closely following my vacation came heartache. On the 21st of this month my house was broken into and almost every item that had value, sentimental and sale able value, was stolen. That morning was like any other morning. I went to work as did my husband. But as I was returning to work after having lunch with a friend I got a call that shattered my day and my feeling of safety. Dane came home to find my jewelry box open and empty. Everything was gone. They got many other items, but the items in my jewelry box are the items that hurt me the most. I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that began rolling through me. The only thing I could think was that my mother's wedding rings were in there. My mother whose death still weighs heavy on me many days. How could they take my mother's wedding rings? How could anyone be so cruel?
After many tears, feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, and not understanding why, I think I am finally getting on the other side of it. I can truly say that although I wish that this never happened, I would also never wish this on anyone. I have prayed numerous times that through the grace of God I will somehow get my mother's jewelry and Dane will get his father's wedding ring back. But through this whole ordeal I have been drawn closer to God. Through my pain and tears He has been talking to me and trying to comfort me as only He can. I will share with you a couple of verses that I feel where given to me to hold on to until I have made it completely to the other side. I still have my moments, and I am still checking our doors a couple times each at night. But I feel God has told me I will be ok. The items were material. I may not get my mom's rings back, but I will get better than that, I will see her again one day and that is what I have to hang onto.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 NIV)
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "(1 Peter 1:6, 7 NIV)
And though God has been working on my anger and my hurt, my eating has been out of control. I guess I thought that it was ok since I was having such a hard time. I should only have to deal with one thing at a time right? I have been struggling since that day to find my way back on the path of my journey. I have gained a little weight, but not a bunch. I am still not eating the way that I should, but I did read something that helped me make a decision that I had to come to...
"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you, or you can lit it strengthen you."
So I decided that I would let this strengthen me. I have decided to allow God to teach me through this and to give me the knowledge and wings that I will need to move on. I cannot make it down this path on my own, but I will make it over the obstacles that are currently sitting in my path. I am not completely over it and I still, no matter how I try not to, will mourn the fact that my mother's rings are gone. But I am getting better day by day. Soon I will be firmly back on my path and with God's strength my weight will begin to make it's way back down again. But I have to continue to take it one day at a time. I have to continue to ask for God's strength as I have been doing since day one. It is just that now I need Him more than I ever did before. I need Him to protect me on my path, give me strength and heal me all at the same time. But, my God is an awesome God and He can do all of this and more. It is only us that put limits on what He can do.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30, 31 NIV)
Thank you God for never giving up on me even when I give up on me from time to time.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Teach you in the way you should go.
I cannot say that I feel any better today than I did last night. I did not sleep much and what I did get was not restful. I am having difficulty focusing on anything and I still feel as though I am untethered and mostly all around anchored. I don't know how to reach out and ask for help because I don't really know how to put my innermost feelings into words. But I am struggling. My journey is taking a side street that I did not see coming, a detour that has been unfortunately unavoidable. I trust that it will soon return to the main and well worn paths that I have come to know and to trust so that I can at least get through this uncertain time. So much has been thrown at me in in the last few weeks that I just don't know how to adequately process it all or know how to put the feelings away where they belong. As Machelle said to me last night, I am not even certain that I have allowed myself the time or the permission to truly run through all the emotions that I am feeling.
But one thing I do know is that God will not leave me. I might not be able to hear him or feel Him right now, but He is still there. I opened my online bible at lunch today and the verse of the day spoke volumes in proof of that fact. As I have been crying out and praying that God show me the way back to my path, or a new path if that is what He is wanting for me. Just please let me know what I am supposed to be doing, feeling or...anything. This is what I find when I clicked on that program...
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will council you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8.
Those who truly know me know that I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. That is not the verse of the day by accident. I have been praying and crying out for some guidance. Maybe God is trying to tell me that my guidance is coming but I have to get through this valley of mourning and sorrow before he is able to move me beyond where I am. I am miserable and unable to feel joy right now, but perhaps that is exactly where I am supposed to be. I will continue to pray that God leads me out of this valley and onto a brighter day and restores my steps on this journey that I have begun. I am not ready to throw the towel in and I know he won't throw the towel in on me.
For those of you who may read this and are of a praying nature. Please pray that God will help me through this time. I am not ready to be let loose on this journey and still need him to hold my hand. I am desperate to feel His presence and His strength as He guides me down the right path and I continue on my way through this journey. I am still trusting my journey but have momentarily stopped waiting until I can see the path again.
But one thing I do know is that God will not leave me. I might not be able to hear him or feel Him right now, but He is still there. I opened my online bible at lunch today and the verse of the day spoke volumes in proof of that fact. As I have been crying out and praying that God show me the way back to my path, or a new path if that is what He is wanting for me. Just please let me know what I am supposed to be doing, feeling or...anything. This is what I find when I clicked on that program...
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will council you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8.
Those who truly know me know that I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. That is not the verse of the day by accident. I have been praying and crying out for some guidance. Maybe God is trying to tell me that my guidance is coming but I have to get through this valley of mourning and sorrow before he is able to move me beyond where I am. I am miserable and unable to feel joy right now, but perhaps that is exactly where I am supposed to be. I will continue to pray that God leads me out of this valley and onto a brighter day and restores my steps on this journey that I have begun. I am not ready to throw the towel in and I know he won't throw the towel in on me.
For those of you who may read this and are of a praying nature. Please pray that God will help me through this time. I am not ready to be let loose on this journey and still need him to hold my hand. I am desperate to feel His presence and His strength as He guides me down the right path and I continue on my way through this journey. I am still trusting my journey but have momentarily stopped waiting until I can see the path again.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Need a lamp unto my feet
I feel lost. I feel like the light has been extinguished that has been illuminating the path to my journey. I feel as if I am in a cave with only the touch of my hands to feel along the walls in total darkness to find my way out. I ultimately know where I want to go, but I have no idea on how to get there. I am at a loss on how to find the path I was walking so confidently just weeks ago. As soon as I get an obstacle behind me another pops up in front of me and they seem to be getting bigger and nastier every time they arrive. And this one feels like it is larger than I can maneuver around.
I have been praying, reading and trying to seek what God is trying to show me but it does not feel like our lines of communication are still open. I have no idea what lesson I am supposed to be learning or if I am to be changing my direction from my current path. Have I done something to cut our line of communication? Am I missing something? The void between us feels like the Grand Canyon right now.
Two weeks ago my cousin died unexpectedly. Three days ago someone broke into my house and stole everything of value from my house and some of the things that had extreme sentimental value. Both of these things rattled me to the core. I have faith that God will see me through this in the end, but right now I just don't know how or what my next move is. I am stumbling and wandering numb and alone in search of some sign to show me the way. Lord please show me which direction I am to go. Please show me how to find the path to my journey again since I have been so lost for what seems like forever. I miss the closeness I felt with you. I miss the comfort I felt while I was slowly following my journey with you. Please Lord help me to set my compass back right. I do not enjoy the way I am feeling and have been feeling. I really need some joy in my life again.
I have been praying, reading and trying to seek what God is trying to show me but it does not feel like our lines of communication are still open. I have no idea what lesson I am supposed to be learning or if I am to be changing my direction from my current path. Have I done something to cut our line of communication? Am I missing something? The void between us feels like the Grand Canyon right now.
Two weeks ago my cousin died unexpectedly. Three days ago someone broke into my house and stole everything of value from my house and some of the things that had extreme sentimental value. Both of these things rattled me to the core. I have faith that God will see me through this in the end, but right now I just don't know how or what my next move is. I am stumbling and wandering numb and alone in search of some sign to show me the way. Lord please show me which direction I am to go. Please show me how to find the path to my journey again since I have been so lost for what seems like forever. I miss the closeness I felt with you. I miss the comfort I felt while I was slowly following my journey with you. Please Lord help me to set my compass back right. I do not enjoy the way I am feeling and have been feeling. I really need some joy in my life again.
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