I don't even know where to start. God is working out so much in me right now that go beyond where I thought this was blog or my journey was going when I started. I started this just about my weight loss. But as time goes on, He has started using it to move me into a closer relationship with Him. I have been a believer for many years and gave my life over to him in my early 20's, but over the last few years have felt a distance grow between us. He has been revealing things to me through this journey that whether I am ready for them or not, they are there.
I as I write this I realize that there has been a flood of emotions going through me since the last time I blogged anything. I have not been able to bring myself to do much of anything other than to throw myself down and beg God to show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. Please just show me what and where my next move should be.
Since I last wrote I went on a wonderful trip to Florida. I am always in awe of God's beauty when I am on or near the water. I am not a talented writer and cannot truly put into words the awe I feel at His grand design when I sit on that beach and just absorb is grandeur. To look out over that great expanse at what appears to be a barren wasteland when in reality it is teeming just beneath the surface with a whole world of unseen and wondrous life. Just as we have a world above and outside the water that functions dependently each to one another and every animal has a part and each works with the other in His intricate design, there is another, yet different world that He created to live beneath the water. Different worlds that, though they don't appear to be, are intricately intertwined with one another in many ways and at many points. I could sit there and marvel at the sunrise, sunset and every bird, fish and creepy crawly animal in between. I have to thank God every time I am given even a day to sit and enjoy time in a chair enjoying an ocean breeze.
But unfortunately closely following my vacation came heartache. On the 21st of this month my house was broken into and almost every item that had value, sentimental and sale able value, was stolen. That morning was like any other morning. I went to work as did my husband. But as I was returning to work after having lunch with a friend I got a call that shattered my day and my feeling of safety. Dane came home to find my jewelry box open and empty. Everything was gone. They got many other items, but the items in my jewelry box are the items that hurt me the most. I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that began rolling through me. The only thing I could think was that my mother's wedding rings were in there. My mother whose death still weighs heavy on me many days. How could they take my mother's wedding rings? How could anyone be so cruel?
After many tears, feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, and not understanding why, I think I am finally getting on the other side of it. I can truly say that although I wish that this never happened, I would also never wish this on anyone. I have prayed numerous times that through the grace of God I will somehow get my mother's jewelry and Dane will get his father's wedding ring back. But through this whole ordeal I have been drawn closer to God. Through my pain and tears He has been talking to me and trying to comfort me as only He can. I will share with you a couple of verses that I feel where given to me to hold on to until I have made it completely to the other side. I still have my moments, and I am still checking our doors a couple times each at night. But I feel God has told me I will be ok. The items were material. I may not get my mom's rings back, but I will get better than that, I will see her again one day and that is what I have to hang onto.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 NIV)
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "(1 Peter 1:6, 7 NIV)
And though God has been working on my anger and my hurt, my eating has been out of control. I guess I thought that it was ok since I was having such a hard time. I should only have to deal with one thing at a time right? I have been struggling since that day to find my way back on the path of my journey. I have gained a little weight, but not a bunch. I am still not eating the way that I should, but I did read something that helped me make a decision that I had to come to...
"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you, or you can lit it strengthen you."
So I decided that I would let this strengthen me. I have decided to allow God to teach me through this and to give me the knowledge and wings that I will need to move on. I cannot make it down this path on my own, but I will make it over the obstacles that are currently sitting in my path. I am not completely over it and I still, no matter how I try not to, will mourn the fact that my mother's rings are gone. But I am getting better day by day. Soon I will be firmly back on my path and with God's strength my weight will begin to make it's way back down again. But I have to continue to take it one day at a time. I have to continue to ask for God's strength as I have been doing since day one. It is just that now I need Him more than I ever did before. I need Him to protect me on my path, give me strength and heal me all at the same time. But, my God is an awesome God and He can do all of this and more. It is only us that put limits on what He can do.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30, 31 NIV)
Thank you God for never giving up on me even when I give up on me from time to time.
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