This weekend was not quite what I expected. Can't really tell you what I expected but this was not it. It was so much more!! There are points in our lives that we will always remember like when we got our first car, fell in love the first time, give our lives over to Jesus, when we are baptized, and weekends like this one. I attended a women's retreat on Saturday that has forever changed my life. My walk with God, my faith, and who I am will, by the grace of God and through the teaching of some wonderfully, God inspired women will never be the same. I feel like my very soul has been ripped open and knowledge, truth and love have been poured into it. It has been emotional to say the least, and I have not made it to the other side of that emotion yet. God is working on me and I am not certain where He is taking me.
This weekend, I finally learned to put down my concepts of what and who I am supposed to be and learned what it means to "live forward". I did not realize when I started my blog last week that I finally ended last night that God was preparing me last Sunday and through the week for what He was going to give me yesterday. I finally realized with horror and shame that I was a disappointment to God and that I never wanted to show Him the back of my head again when I did not use the strength that I asked Him to give me and He gave me readily. When I ask Him for His strength and He gives it to me, I never want to disappoint Him again by not using what He gives me and turning my back. I want to always be facing Him and leaning into Him. Using the strength that He gives me and listening for His voice. I want Him to see me and I want to be ready to see Him where and when He comes to me. I had no idea that a short six days after I began I would get the message of "living forward". Always facing forward and never looking back. Learning to leave the past behind us.
Far too often, we carry our past with us, the pain and the hurt of when people have done us wrong or the addictions that we live with. An actual bag was used at this retreat to demonstrate our baggage, what we carry around. Just like what we carry, that red bag was in her hand. With that bag looped over her arms, she was not free to do what she wanted, when she wanted, she had to always be mindful of the bag. She had to always pick the bag up and carry it with her. Depending on how heavy the bag might be could further hinder our progress, or how often you look in that bag or take out an item to look at it. How often do you look in the bag and take out a piece of anger, look at it and then store it back in the bag? How often do you pull out a article of regret or disappointment, turn it around, remember it and then store it back in your bag? It gets heavy and begins to take up all of you time just keeping up with the items you have stored in that bag. And what if you have something dead in the bag? What happens when you carry around something dead? It stinks. Are you carrying around something dead in your bag? Are you giving off an odor from your soul? Does your soul stink? Can people tell it from you? When people meet you, what do they think of you? What does your soul say to them? Are you projecting light or are you projecting anger and hatred? Is it a sweet smell or does your soul stink? We have to choose to drop the bag and move forward. We have to learn to live forward. Just like a warrior, we have to press forward. There are forces that will work against us, and believe me, as soon as I left the retreat they started. Actually before I got outside they had already started and the other ladies I was with had the same thing happen to them. Satan will work against us, but my God is stronger than that. We have to learn to press against them. There is no force as strong as the force that God places in us to press against it. He will give us all the strength we need. As I said in my last blog. When we ask for strength He gives it. It is up to us what we do with it. Are we going to press violently against those forces or are we going to give up? What will be your choice? You have to press violently to become a warrior. And after this weekend, as the lady who was speaking said, I don't care if I have to crawl across that finish line as long as I am pressing forward I will keep pressing. We have to keep our eyes fixed on the prize...I don't know what this means for me and I don't know what God has in mind for me, but I am ready. I am scared to say that, but I am ready. This is going to be my time. My journey and my issue with eating are going to fall in line. God has a plan for me and those issues are going to take a back seat. He will deal with them along the way.
Which brings me to today. I am sure I will visit "living forward" again, because what I learned yesterday is resonating in my soul and could never be put onto paper and into one blog at one time. I am not certain that I have internalized or realized all that was said. But today at church the children's choir performed. Most of you who know me know my friend Machelle (yes, deal with it and here it comes Machelle and I apologize if any of this you did not want to share). Her son Trent was performing in the choir. What most of you don't realize is my connection to her kids. I, of course, don't have kids of my own which is by choice. But her kids are family to me. We vacation together, I see them probably as often as some of their actual family does and for years they had no clue I wasn't blood related to them. Trent and I have a relationship that is a bit different than any I have ever had with any child other than my blood nephew who I love even more than chocolate. I can't explain it, it just is. I am very protective of him probably partly because of the difficult trip he has had coming into this world and the struggle he had just trying to become the wonderful, brilliant child he is today. Those of you who don't know Trent are missing out. He was born very premature and had to fight tooth and nail just to survive. He had very autistic tendencies and went into therapy at the age of 6 months. He was withdrawn from everyone except for his mother who he clung to with a death grip. At his 1st birthday he retreated to his playpen because he was terrified of all the people and the commotion going on in his home because that was where he felt safe. The therapists were not certain that he would ever talk or work his way out of his problems. But by the grace of God and through the therapy at Special Kids in M'Boro and the pre-K program he was enrolled in he came out of his shell and began to shine. Today he is more brave and has a brighter spirit of God than most adults. He is not afraid to speak what is on his heart and mind to anyone.
I say that all to get to my point of what I observed today that God revealed to me while watching them perform today. Through my tears of pride and awe at this child who 6 years ago you would never have made me believe would have been in that sanctuary with that noise let alone on that stage performing did something that made me take note. This 8 year old already has what this 41 year old is just now starting to realize. I noticed that while he was on stage he was locked on and focused on something the entire time he stood there. Every move he made, every note he sang, every thing he did, he seemed to be focused on something. It took me a minute to realize that there was one of their choir leaders in the audience in front of them and he was locked on her and in complete focus of what she was telling him to do. She was his source. For that performance, she had the answers to what he needed. He knew where to look and once he realized who had the answers he was not going to break eye contact and look around and all the confusion, all the other kids, or all the people in the 5,000 person sanctuary. He had gotten the lesson that she was his source and he was not going to lose sight of her. He wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to please those in charge and I am certain please God with his worship. He did not want to make mistakes. He did not want to step out on his own and let distractions pull him away from what he was put on that stage to do. Wow. He has it. 33 years my junior and he has it. God is my source and I should treat Him the way Trent was treating that choir director. I should lock my eyes on Him and never look away. I should not let the confusion, noise, distractions, people around me or anything else break my line of sight with my source either. Thank you Trent. You have taught me many lessons in your 8 short years. Many you don't know that you have, some that you do. But this one so far is the greatest of them. Pastor Allen has been teaching us that we have a Mighty Source, but Trent has taught me that I am to lock my eyes on Him and not look away.
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