Hypocrite or disappointment?

Hypocrite or Disappointment?

What am I doing?

I started this blog earlier in the week because that was how I was feeling, but did not get a chance to finish what I wanted to write.  So many things have happened since then, so many tears have fallen (good and bad) so many things have been learned and so many revelations have been revealed.  

Let me go back and write about some of the things that were on my mind when I started and see where this takes me when it ends since I am not certain myself where that will go and this is coming to me completely freestyle.

Last week in church we were talking about the birth and death of Jesus and what stuck with me as I drove home was His crucifixion.  I have 45 minutes to ride home by myself and I tend to reflect on what we discussed so it gives me a little time to reflect.  I got to thinking about what our pastor said about Jesus' crucifixion and what He had to endure which lead me to think about myself and my journey.  I ask God for his strength every day to help me with my journey.  And as I have said before in this blog I feel at times that He gives it to me and He has even delivered me from my addiction (I will get to that later).  The pain that Jesus had to withstand when He was being crucified is beyond anything that most of us as humans will ever be asked to endure or physically comprehend, and He did it willingly.  He knew what was coming but yet He did it.  He could have said no, He could have told God that He needed to find someone better for the job, but no, knowing what was in store for Him, He still did it.  But here I sit asking for His strength every morning and every night when I go to bed and numerous times during the day when I struggle but yet I still turn my back on Him when He gives it.  I take what He gives for granted and don't take advantage of His gift as I should.  How devastating must I be to God that Jesus can withstand that pain but I don't utilize the one thing that I ask for because it is too hard?  It does not cause me pain, it is just a little difficult.  How much of a disappointment I must be to God that He gives me the strength that I ask for but I put it down and turn my back on Him because I might have to step outside my comfort zone or I might have to give something material up?  Jesus did not turn His back and he was asked to do the unthinkable.  How much pain do I inflict on God when I can't do what He asks of me for just one day?  Who am I to ask for that strength when it is obvious that I am not truly meaning it because I do not use it for the purpose He is giving it.  I thought I had this at one point, and if I did, how do I get back there?  If I never did, how do I find it?  I don't ever want to show God the back of my head ever again.  I don't want to show God the disrespect of asking for His strength and then turning my back on Him as if He never responded or I never asked.  I show my boss at work more respect than I show the King of Kings.  I want God to smile and think of me, she is devoted and always follows what I tell her, and not cringe when He thinks of me as that is the girl who keeps turning her back on me every time I try to help her.  I want to be the person that God wants me to be, the person that I have not tapped into yet.

The bible says that when Jesus was crucified the heavens fell silent, I am not certain that my actions are even worth of a pause.

Which leads me to today.  I went to a women's retreat today and heard many truths that I needed to hear.  One of the things that resonated was the fact that if we are to "Live Forward" we have to let go of our past.  Like a person walking around carrying a literal bag, we carry our past with us and as long as it is with us, it is pulling us down and keeping us from our full potential.  I have been walking around carrying a lot of baggage with me in regards to my eating and my weight.  I am carrying baggage in regards to a lot of other things (some that were revealed or addressed today) as well, but I am sure I will touch on them later.  But just in regard to my journey right now and the addiction to food.  I know I have to let go of my death grip I have on my need for that comfort I get from my food.  There is comfort available to me and God is standing there ready and willing to give me all the comfort I need.  All I need to do is ask and actually take it and use it.  Am I a disappointment or a hypocrite for asking for God's help and then turning my back on Him.  No, I don't think so.  I think that God knows where I am.  He knows what I need.  He knows the depth of my hurt.  He knows what it will take to heal me.  And no matter how many times I turn my back on Him, even though the thought of that breaks my heart and makes me feel like the worst of His children, He does not see me that way.  He sees me as His beautiful child that is learning a lesson and needs this time to grow.

Today was an amazing day of learning and growing.  I am still absorbing what was said and I am sure that I will share some of that on another post when I have had time to truly let it sink in and become part of me.  Thank you God for the work you are doing on me.