Yep, it's me again Margaret. I was in a bit of a snit yesterday when I posted and I could not see past my own problems to see the blessings in front of me. Since then, yes, a whole 12 hours God has shown me that I have way more to be thankful for than I have to complain about.
Let me start by saying I am a food addict. Yes, there is such a thing and it is as real as an alcoholic or a drug addict. For me it is more difficult an addiction to kick than either of those because you have to have food to survive. Please don't hate me or write me dirty response for that statement, it is just how I feel. You don't have to have alcohol, cigarettes or drugs to live. Try giving up food and walking away from it completely. Bet you can't do it and survive for very long. A food addict has to learn how to eat healthy food in a healthy quantity while dealing with the addiction that got them fat in the first place. Doesn't sound easy because it isn't. This is part of why I feel I have never been able to get weight off and keep it off in my 41 years. This is exactly where God hit me last night after my pity party for one.
After I blogged last night I went to bed. I was saying my prayers thanking God for getting me through yesterday and to please give me the strength to get through today. When He revealed something to me that really had not fully hit me since I started this journey 25 weeks ago. He has delivered me from this addiction. Don't get me wrong. I still crave food and I still want things I should not have from time to time. And I prove that the human in me can rear her ugly head and overpower God's strength in me by shoving him to the side and do what I want to do even when I know I am wrong. But it dawned on me while laying in bed praying that the pull food has had on me every day has not been in me since I gave this journey over to God 25 weeks ago. How did I miss that? How did I miss this shift in my desire for food? There are times that I truly look at food as fuel and not as something that I covet. Who is that person and how did she get inside me? I have told my WW buddy over and over that I really have not had any cravings this time and I keep attributing it to the fact that we can have all the fruit we want now. It hit me like a lightening bolt last night. NO! It isn't the fruit - it is God. It is God working in me changing who I am. Wow, all I could say was thank you.
There are many other things I realized and I was overly thankful for the things that were revealed to me last night that I have been taking for granted, but I will leave this where it is and just say that God is good and will work wonders if you let Him and trust the journey He has in store for you.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Frustration and the things I know.
Today is June 27th, and I started this journey in January. Where I am along this road is not where I thought I would be. I did not and still do not think that my expectations are too high or that I expect too much from myself. I realize and am reminded daily that I am merely human and will continue to do things that are not perfect. However, I really am trying. I have been going to Weight Watchers 25 weeks, far longer than I have ever stayed commited in my life, and have lost 41.2 pounds. I know, before anyone says that is still a good amount, I know that it is, but over the last 4 weeks I have only lost .6 which is part of where the frustration begins.
I have turned my eating habits completely around in the last six months. I have only eaten fast food one time, other than Subway which I don't count as fast food, and that was due to circumstance and not an option that I sought out to eat. I have not had a package of cookies, bag of chips or candy in my home that I knew I could not avoid. And to be honest I have not missed those things. I have realized that if I want a cookie I can have one, I will just buy a single serving pack and eat what I am craving and not binge on them like I once did. With that said, I haven't even done that or really wanted to. I take that back. There have been moments of stress where if I were somewhere with complete access to any food I would have eaten my weight in certain foods, but if I allow time and distance to let those cravings pass now, they do. This time everything has been different for me and I am thankful. I have not had cravings like I have always had every other time I have tried to lose weight. I have not craved sugar, chocolate or french fries to the point that I have driven to the store or restaurant at midnight to purchase them.
As I have said before in this blog, I have placed this journey in God's hands. I have taken this one day at a time and have prayed for His strength every day to get me through. I will continue to do so in the knowledge that He will not place on me anything more than He knows I can handle. Even though I know that, I am so frustrated in the fact that I was especially disciplined this week and have made the efforts that I knew were necessary on my part and the weight just seems to want to stay with me for old times sake.
Let me give you a little background. I was out of town last week and I expected a slight gain because I knew I had not stayed on program like I should. Went in last week and gained 1.8. I was ok with that. I deserved it, I expected it, and I owned it. I immediately regained control and went right back on program counting points. This last week I was perfect. There were even 3 days that I did not even eat all of my points, which I was told I could do by my leader at WW if I wasn't hungry at the end of the day. Went to weigh in today and lost .8. How can I eat a little out of control, but not completely and utterly obscenely out of control, for 3 days and gain 1.8 then turn around and be perfect for 7 and eat only healthy and within points but only lose .8? Herein lies my frustration.
After pitching somewhat of a fit today and wallowing in my frustration, these are the things I know...I know I will get to my goal weight one day (may be years but I will get there) as long as I keep doing what I am doing and do not stop. I know that God will continue to give me the strength to continue on this journey as long as I ask for His strength. I know that there will be bumps in the road, because just like life, this too will not be perfect. I know that like all things worth having I will have to work for it and it will most likely have some struggle involved. I know the reward will far out weigh the sacrific. I know that what I call sacrific has truly not even been sacrific on this journey and merely a change in the way I look at what I am putting in my mouth. I know only, with God's strength, can get me where I am going. I know I will continue to trust this journey.
I have turned my eating habits completely around in the last six months. I have only eaten fast food one time, other than Subway which I don't count as fast food, and that was due to circumstance and not an option that I sought out to eat. I have not had a package of cookies, bag of chips or candy in my home that I knew I could not avoid. And to be honest I have not missed those things. I have realized that if I want a cookie I can have one, I will just buy a single serving pack and eat what I am craving and not binge on them like I once did. With that said, I haven't even done that or really wanted to. I take that back. There have been moments of stress where if I were somewhere with complete access to any food I would have eaten my weight in certain foods, but if I allow time and distance to let those cravings pass now, they do. This time everything has been different for me and I am thankful. I have not had cravings like I have always had every other time I have tried to lose weight. I have not craved sugar, chocolate or french fries to the point that I have driven to the store or restaurant at midnight to purchase them.
As I have said before in this blog, I have placed this journey in God's hands. I have taken this one day at a time and have prayed for His strength every day to get me through. I will continue to do so in the knowledge that He will not place on me anything more than He knows I can handle. Even though I know that, I am so frustrated in the fact that I was especially disciplined this week and have made the efforts that I knew were necessary on my part and the weight just seems to want to stay with me for old times sake.
Let me give you a little background. I was out of town last week and I expected a slight gain because I knew I had not stayed on program like I should. Went in last week and gained 1.8. I was ok with that. I deserved it, I expected it, and I owned it. I immediately regained control and went right back on program counting points. This last week I was perfect. There were even 3 days that I did not even eat all of my points, which I was told I could do by my leader at WW if I wasn't hungry at the end of the day. Went to weigh in today and lost .8. How can I eat a little out of control, but not completely and utterly obscenely out of control, for 3 days and gain 1.8 then turn around and be perfect for 7 and eat only healthy and within points but only lose .8? Herein lies my frustration.
After pitching somewhat of a fit today and wallowing in my frustration, these are the things I know...I know I will get to my goal weight one day (may be years but I will get there) as long as I keep doing what I am doing and do not stop. I know that God will continue to give me the strength to continue on this journey as long as I ask for His strength. I know that there will be bumps in the road, because just like life, this too will not be perfect. I know that like all things worth having I will have to work for it and it will most likely have some struggle involved. I know the reward will far out weigh the sacrific. I know that what I call sacrific has truly not even been sacrific on this journey and merely a change in the way I look at what I am putting in my mouth. I know only, with God's strength, can get me where I am going. I know I will continue to trust this journey.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Retooling...
Another short road trip has passed and here I find myself back at home assessing what all we did and saw. This trip was more about relaxation than doing actual activities, much to the shagrin of my friend's children I think. Most of Sunday was spent in the car riding through the Great Smokey Mountain National Park enjoying the beauty that God has placed on this planet for us to enjoy. I don't think that an 8 year old, or even a 12 year old for that matter, can quite enjoy it like a 41 year old can. But enjoy it we did, and how we were rewarded for our patience.
During our travels on Sunday we saw the most beautiful rhododendron in their last stages of bloom. Rhododendron larger than any I have ever seen growing wild on the sides of the mountains. They are so thick it looked like there was snow on the mountains in June. I was in awe of the beauty simply placed there in wild growth when I can't even grow that bush on purpose in my yard. We drove on into an area called Cades Cove which is now a wild life preserve of sorts. Many years ago people lived here in a loosely populated community and there are still churches there to this date that are in use. Now it is the most visited area in the park with it's 8 mile loop that you drive as you search for wild life. Deer are always present, but on some days you get the pleasure of seeing bears. This day we were abundantly blessed. As we started the loop, the horses that are used in the riding stables had just been released and were all galloping to the area further down the road where they know they would be petted and fed treats by the visitors. They love peppermints, which we made sure we brought with us, and will stand there and chomp on them as long as you hand them out. We fed them until we eventually ran out of candy and got back in the car to meander a little further down to see what else the park had in store. We were not disappointed when we saw a momma bear and her 2 cubs in a field. The cubs were so small you could only see them when they would jump up out of the tall grass while playing. We saw, well actually heard running through the woods before we saw it, a large buck. It came within feet of our car and stopped to stare and a young man walking down the road when he startled him. There were deer everywhere, some within feet of our car. Because of all the wild life the traveling was extremely slow and at times we were stopped for an extended time so we were getting out of the park at dark. As we were making the last leg of the loop Machelle's son said that he thought he saw something moving to our left. After letting our eyes adjust to the light we realized there was a bear just feet from us. He was so close that eventually he was right outside my door and we thought he was going to walk in front of my car. How amazing! To see the beauty and wonders that God puts on this earth right there at our fingertips.
After spending longer than expected and seeing more than I ever have on one trip in the park we were much later than expected getting back into Gatlinburg. We had planned to play putt-putt that evening but now would not be able to like we promised my friend's kids. This threw me into a control freak tailspin. I like things ordered. I always have and probably always will. I like to get up on the travel home day, eat and get on the road. I guess I have way too much of my father in me. But because we could not get the putt-putt in on Sunday night like expected we were now going to have to do it the next morning before we could get on the road. This one small change in my plans stripped from my view all the beautiful things I had seen and enjoyed and replaced it only with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. How would I get home in time to get all my errands done before work the next day? I would be worn out. I can't even remember all the thoughts running through my head.
I got back to the room and began thinking about the weekend. I was thinking about where my head was right then and the whole weekend in general. I realized that I needed a little retooling. I had had a feeling nagging me for the couple of days I had been away from home, but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt out of sorts with no real reason that I could put my finger on. Not in a bad way, but just like there was something wrong but not so wrong that I needed to do something about it. While sitting in a chair and thinking to myself I realized what my problem was. I was so out of my element food wise that it was causing me a little bit of unease. I was feeling out of control. I know that control can be a bad thing, but control can also be a good thing. I have been eating so much healtier for the last 6 months that it has become habit without me really knowing it. I don't think twice about what I eat anymore, I just typically reach for the healthier option. I have healthy options in my fridge and never eat fast food anymore. But, through no fault but my own I slipped right back into old habits and it made me uneasy and out of sorts without me fully understanding what I was doing to myself. I had decided I was going to have chocolate chip pancakes even if they made me sick. I had them (they did not make me sick) and ate almost the whole plate of them. I ate what I wanted, or what my default brain thought I wanted, when I wanted with no regard to hunger or health. I felt completely out of control and that made me feel uneasy and out of sorts and ungrounded. I realized sitting in that chair that I did not like that feeling any longer. I have felt that way too long and the fact that even feeling it for a moment scares the hell out of me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. What I choose for my life is what I choose. I tried the very next morning to make the best choices I could at breakfast (which is what I wanted to the very soul of who I am and where I want to be and I felt better). I went to putt-putt and let my control over that part of my life go and enjoyed my time there. I did not have a perfect day with my eating. The snacks were still way to close at hand and I still dove in them with reckless abandon and felt that same out of control creeping back in. But, by the time I got back home with the safety of my ability to choose correctly has helped me get my equilibrium back. I can't go back and change anything about this weekend, nor would I want to. I enjoyed myself and had a wonderful time. But hopefully with a little more retooling of my mind, body and spirit I won't loose so much control next time and I won't feel as lost as I did for that short period of time on this trip.
This has been a learning curve for me and hopefully a little retooling of how I look at food in just one more small way. It is not my enemy, in fact it can be my greatest assest if I do not allow it to have power over me any longer. Thank you Lord for a wonderful, relaxing weekend getaway and allowing me to learn a lesson along the way.
During our travels on Sunday we saw the most beautiful rhododendron in their last stages of bloom. Rhododendron larger than any I have ever seen growing wild on the sides of the mountains. They are so thick it looked like there was snow on the mountains in June. I was in awe of the beauty simply placed there in wild growth when I can't even grow that bush on purpose in my yard. We drove on into an area called Cades Cove which is now a wild life preserve of sorts. Many years ago people lived here in a loosely populated community and there are still churches there to this date that are in use. Now it is the most visited area in the park with it's 8 mile loop that you drive as you search for wild life. Deer are always present, but on some days you get the pleasure of seeing bears. This day we were abundantly blessed. As we started the loop, the horses that are used in the riding stables had just been released and were all galloping to the area further down the road where they know they would be petted and fed treats by the visitors. They love peppermints, which we made sure we brought with us, and will stand there and chomp on them as long as you hand them out. We fed them until we eventually ran out of candy and got back in the car to meander a little further down to see what else the park had in store. We were not disappointed when we saw a momma bear and her 2 cubs in a field. The cubs were so small you could only see them when they would jump up out of the tall grass while playing. We saw, well actually heard running through the woods before we saw it, a large buck. It came within feet of our car and stopped to stare and a young man walking down the road when he startled him. There were deer everywhere, some within feet of our car. Because of all the wild life the traveling was extremely slow and at times we were stopped for an extended time so we were getting out of the park at dark. As we were making the last leg of the loop Machelle's son said that he thought he saw something moving to our left. After letting our eyes adjust to the light we realized there was a bear just feet from us. He was so close that eventually he was right outside my door and we thought he was going to walk in front of my car. How amazing! To see the beauty and wonders that God puts on this earth right there at our fingertips.
After spending longer than expected and seeing more than I ever have on one trip in the park we were much later than expected getting back into Gatlinburg. We had planned to play putt-putt that evening but now would not be able to like we promised my friend's kids. This threw me into a control freak tailspin. I like things ordered. I always have and probably always will. I like to get up on the travel home day, eat and get on the road. I guess I have way too much of my father in me. But because we could not get the putt-putt in on Sunday night like expected we were now going to have to do it the next morning before we could get on the road. This one small change in my plans stripped from my view all the beautiful things I had seen and enjoyed and replaced it only with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. How would I get home in time to get all my errands done before work the next day? I would be worn out. I can't even remember all the thoughts running through my head.
I got back to the room and began thinking about the weekend. I was thinking about where my head was right then and the whole weekend in general. I realized that I needed a little retooling. I had had a feeling nagging me for the couple of days I had been away from home, but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt out of sorts with no real reason that I could put my finger on. Not in a bad way, but just like there was something wrong but not so wrong that I needed to do something about it. While sitting in a chair and thinking to myself I realized what my problem was. I was so out of my element food wise that it was causing me a little bit of unease. I was feeling out of control. I know that control can be a bad thing, but control can also be a good thing. I have been eating so much healtier for the last 6 months that it has become habit without me really knowing it. I don't think twice about what I eat anymore, I just typically reach for the healthier option. I have healthy options in my fridge and never eat fast food anymore. But, through no fault but my own I slipped right back into old habits and it made me uneasy and out of sorts without me fully understanding what I was doing to myself. I had decided I was going to have chocolate chip pancakes even if they made me sick. I had them (they did not make me sick) and ate almost the whole plate of them. I ate what I wanted, or what my default brain thought I wanted, when I wanted with no regard to hunger or health. I felt completely out of control and that made me feel uneasy and out of sorts and ungrounded. I realized sitting in that chair that I did not like that feeling any longer. I have felt that way too long and the fact that even feeling it for a moment scares the hell out of me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. What I choose for my life is what I choose. I tried the very next morning to make the best choices I could at breakfast (which is what I wanted to the very soul of who I am and where I want to be and I felt better). I went to putt-putt and let my control over that part of my life go and enjoyed my time there. I did not have a perfect day with my eating. The snacks were still way to close at hand and I still dove in them with reckless abandon and felt that same out of control creeping back in. But, by the time I got back home with the safety of my ability to choose correctly has helped me get my equilibrium back. I can't go back and change anything about this weekend, nor would I want to. I enjoyed myself and had a wonderful time. But hopefully with a little more retooling of my mind, body and spirit I won't loose so much control next time and I won't feel as lost as I did for that short period of time on this trip.
This has been a learning curve for me and hopefully a little retooling of how I look at food in just one more small way. It is not my enemy, in fact it can be my greatest assest if I do not allow it to have power over me any longer. Thank you Lord for a wonderful, relaxing weekend getaway and allowing me to learn a lesson along the way.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Direction of my dreams...
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. -- Henry David Thoreau
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)