Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. -- Henry David Thoreau
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
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