Another short road trip has passed and here I find myself back at home assessing what all we did and saw. This trip was more about relaxation than doing actual activities, much to the shagrin of my friend's children I think. Most of Sunday was spent in the car riding through the Great Smokey Mountain National Park enjoying the beauty that God has placed on this planet for us to enjoy. I don't think that an 8 year old, or even a 12 year old for that matter, can quite enjoy it like a 41 year old can. But enjoy it we did, and how we were rewarded for our patience.
During our travels on Sunday we saw the most beautiful rhododendron in their last stages of bloom. Rhododendron larger than any I have ever seen growing wild on the sides of the mountains. They are so thick it looked like there was snow on the mountains in June. I was in awe of the beauty simply placed there in wild growth when I can't even grow that bush on purpose in my yard. We drove on into an area called Cades Cove which is now a wild life preserve of sorts. Many years ago people lived here in a loosely populated community and there are still churches there to this date that are in use. Now it is the most visited area in the park with it's 8 mile loop that you drive as you search for wild life. Deer are always present, but on some days you get the pleasure of seeing bears. This day we were abundantly blessed. As we started the loop, the horses that are used in the riding stables had just been released and were all galloping to the area further down the road where they know they would be petted and fed treats by the visitors. They love peppermints, which we made sure we brought with us, and will stand there and chomp on them as long as you hand them out. We fed them until we eventually ran out of candy and got back in the car to meander a little further down to see what else the park had in store. We were not disappointed when we saw a momma bear and her 2 cubs in a field. The cubs were so small you could only see them when they would jump up out of the tall grass while playing. We saw, well actually heard running through the woods before we saw it, a large buck. It came within feet of our car and stopped to stare and a young man walking down the road when he startled him. There were deer everywhere, some within feet of our car. Because of all the wild life the traveling was extremely slow and at times we were stopped for an extended time so we were getting out of the park at dark. As we were making the last leg of the loop Machelle's son said that he thought he saw something moving to our left. After letting our eyes adjust to the light we realized there was a bear just feet from us. He was so close that eventually he was right outside my door and we thought he was going to walk in front of my car. How amazing! To see the beauty and wonders that God puts on this earth right there at our fingertips.
After spending longer than expected and seeing more than I ever have on one trip in the park we were much later than expected getting back into Gatlinburg. We had planned to play putt-putt that evening but now would not be able to like we promised my friend's kids. This threw me into a control freak tailspin. I like things ordered. I always have and probably always will. I like to get up on the travel home day, eat and get on the road. I guess I have way too much of my father in me. But because we could not get the putt-putt in on Sunday night like expected we were now going to have to do it the next morning before we could get on the road. This one small change in my plans stripped from my view all the beautiful things I had seen and enjoyed and replaced it only with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. How would I get home in time to get all my errands done before work the next day? I would be worn out. I can't even remember all the thoughts running through my head.
I got back to the room and began thinking about the weekend. I was thinking about where my head was right then and the whole weekend in general. I realized that I needed a little retooling. I had had a feeling nagging me for the couple of days I had been away from home, but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt out of sorts with no real reason that I could put my finger on. Not in a bad way, but just like there was something wrong but not so wrong that I needed to do something about it. While sitting in a chair and thinking to myself I realized what my problem was. I was so out of my element food wise that it was causing me a little bit of unease. I was feeling out of control. I know that control can be a bad thing, but control can also be a good thing. I have been eating so much healtier for the last 6 months that it has become habit without me really knowing it. I don't think twice about what I eat anymore, I just typically reach for the healthier option. I have healthy options in my fridge and never eat fast food anymore. But, through no fault but my own I slipped right back into old habits and it made me uneasy and out of sorts without me fully understanding what I was doing to myself. I had decided I was going to have chocolate chip pancakes even if they made me sick. I had them (they did not make me sick) and ate almost the whole plate of them. I ate what I wanted, or what my default brain thought I wanted, when I wanted with no regard to hunger or health. I felt completely out of control and that made me feel uneasy and out of sorts and ungrounded. I realized sitting in that chair that I did not like that feeling any longer. I have felt that way too long and the fact that even feeling it for a moment scares the hell out of me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. What I choose for my life is what I choose. I tried the very next morning to make the best choices I could at breakfast (which is what I wanted to the very soul of who I am and where I want to be and I felt better). I went to putt-putt and let my control over that part of my life go and enjoyed my time there. I did not have a perfect day with my eating. The snacks were still way to close at hand and I still dove in them with reckless abandon and felt that same out of control creeping back in. But, by the time I got back home with the safety of my ability to choose correctly has helped me get my equilibrium back. I can't go back and change anything about this weekend, nor would I want to. I enjoyed myself and had a wonderful time. But hopefully with a little more retooling of my mind, body and spirit I won't loose so much control next time and I won't feel as lost as I did for that short period of time on this trip.
This has been a learning curve for me and hopefully a little retooling of how I look at food in just one more small way. It is not my enemy, in fact it can be my greatest assest if I do not allow it to have power over me any longer. Thank you Lord for a wonderful, relaxing weekend getaway and allowing me to learn a lesson along the way.
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