"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
You know, it is funny that this would be the verse that would be given to me this morning. I went to bed last night in tears begging God to help me. Help me on more levels than I think that I even know that I need help. But the one that I keep returning to is my eating - the journey that started this whole blog. The steps that started me down this road. The decision that I made after returning from our trip at Christmas determined to do better, be better, be healthier because I had no idea how many more second chances I was going to be given. Having no idea when I walked into that Weight Watchers building that I would not only start shedding weight but I would start opening up a part of my heart and soul that had been closed off to God for some time. I did not realize at the time that it had been closed to begin with when, where or even why. I guess it is like the exercise equipment that we all have in our houses. When you first get them you are on fire and are using them every day. You are all about your exercise equipment and how it is changing you and your body and making you into a better person. But over time you get used to the equipment, you think you know better, and you start using them less and less and eventually they become nothing more than a place to hang your clothing. I am ashamed to say that God had become my spiritual clothing rack. I still believed and I still talked about God whenever the subject came up, but I had stopped going to church and I had stopped searching for Him and longing for Him. Something changed within me. I don't know the exact place or time. I don't know where along this journey the transformation happened, but my quest for weight loss and my desire to draw closer to God became intertwined and I cannot see one without seeing the other any longer. I can't differentiate my weight loss journey from my God journey. I guess that is what God had in mind all along and I just had to grow up to understand. Maybe that is why all of my attempts to lose weight when I was younger never worked. Maybe I was not mature enough to "get it". But I can't see how I could ever continue with one of these journeys without the other being a part of it.
Which makes me ponder a statement I made on June 28th in one of my blogs. I made the statement that God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know that on that date I truly believed that. If you were to ask me today if I believed it on that date I would say, well I did on the 28th. Do I think God would deliver me and then take the gift away from me? No. Do I think I was deceived to make me falter? I don't know. Was I being cocky and overconfident and had really not been delivered? Maybe. But on that date I truly felt like I had been delivered from the food addiction that I have been living under my entire memorable life. I don't think I would feel that way to the core of who I am and it not be true. I think the more real possibility is that I have been delivered and after realizing it my sinful human self got in the way as it has so many times before. I was afraid to speak the words. Superstitions, that I do not truly believe in typically made me cringe after I typed that blog. I was afraid I would "jinx" it. I have to change how I think. I could not just sit back and let God be God. If God did in fact deliver me from my addiction then it means that He washed me of my sin in regards to that addiction at the same time. He has forgiven as I have begged Him to do over and over. If I do not accept that and accept the deliverance and claim it as my own then I cheapen the fact that Jesus shed His blood to do so. How horrible and conceited an idea is that. Why wouldn't Jesus forgive me and deliver me? Am I, a child of God, not worthy? I know that I don't act as if I am most of the time, but the bible teaches us that we are all worthy of His forgiveness. And if I have turned my back after he did deliver me and returned to my old ways, which I am ashamed to admit that I have, can I reclaim it? I want more than anything to reclaim His deliverance. I will continue to pray that is exactly what happens until I am secure in the knowledge that it is exactly where I am. I want deliverance from my addiction. The deliverance that I feel I received on the 28th of June and then turned my back on. If I can be blessed enough to be given a second chance just one more time.
-Lord, I will not get tangled up again! I am staying free!!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." James 1:2
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