My soul is unsettled. I don't know if it is better to realize this or to live in the oblivion I have been living in. For years I have had this feeling that I just could not explain to anyone, I have tried on numerous occasions, but it just doesn't quite translate. But as best I can explain is that I feel like there is something I am missing. Like there is somewhere I am supposed to be, something I am supposed to be doing. I feel anxious and can't remain completely still. Looking back over all the years I have felt this I now wonder if that was God trying to nudge me and I just could not hear Him. I don't know.
Driving home from church today I was in a traffic jam. Of course with me in the car it can't be just your average traffic jam. After our sermon today about Thanksgiving and gratitude I made sure to check my attitude and not get anxious or upset that we were sitting completely still just 10 feet past where I could have gotten off if I had noticed the traffic. And no, I did not attempt to back down the on ramp like I saw a few others try. I might have thought about it, but I refer you back to checking my attitude. I was doing my best to be thankful for everything I could about my car, the good roads, the $2.87 a gallon gas that I just purchased, the fact that the gas was readily available, the fact that the traffic jam in front of the station caused by a small brush fire cleared before I left, the free fountain drink that the station was giving away. I was running through every item about my car and my travel that I could so that I could sit there and have a grateful attitude. Being the multi-tasker I am I also made sure to put a message on Facebook to let everyone know that they needed to avoid this section on the interstate because they did not want to get into the same jam I was in not knowing their level of thanksgiving and gratitude. Oh, and while doing all of this, with my windows down on what turned out to be a gorgeous Sunday (of which I was also thankful) a bee flew in my car. So now I was stopped on the interstate, texting, facebooking, being thankful for numerous thing, but now having to figure out how to get the bee out of my car. Thankfully the bee found it's way out and I did not have to make anyone think I had lost my mind. The traffic finally began to move and I noticed that there was a wreck on the other side of the road stopping traffic on that side as well. Man this must be a big wreck to span two sides of an 8 lane interstate and the rather large median between. As I draw closer to the area where the commotion was happening I realize why the traffic has been stopped and what has caused the wreck on the other side. There were 5 or 6 grown men wrangling a bull in the median. I assume that he started out in traffic hence the stoppage and the wreck on the other side was surely caused by people looking at a fairly uncommon site. It is not every day you see a very large bull being roped on the interstate. And this bull was not happy. They had a rope around his neck and all My the men involved were doing all that they could to keep him under control. He was swinging his head from side to side and slinging snot and foam all over the place. Anyone who knows anything about cattle, by the time he gets to that state he is out of control and I am not sure how any of them were going to get him back in his trailer.
Of course I laughed about this, texted, and facebooked my friends and proceeded on home. But that bull got me to thinking. There have been times when I have felt a lot like that bull. I did not realize it until I saw that display of anger, desperation and I am certain a fair amount of fear in that animal that he and I are a lot alike. God has been working out some marvelous things in me lately. Some of them have been beautiful and eye opening while some of it is ugly, shameful and even frightening. But He is working on setting me free just the same. I feel like I have been cooped up in a cage much like that bull and I have recently been set free. I have gone through a lot and have a long way to go, but free is how I feel for the first time in a long time. But God is setting my feet to a path and I don't have a clue where it is going on what I will find at the end, but I pray that I will always say yes to His requests to continue on it. I have gotten some push back from people and circumstances around me just like he was getting from those men with the rope. But none of the push back is as strong as the desire that God has put in me just like that bull's desire not to be man handled back in that trailer.
This got me to thinking about the disciples and the fact that they left the path upon which they were walking to embark down another path. They were successful men but yet they dropped what they were doing because something in their spirit called to them and told them that they needed to move. It reminded me of a devotional I had just read earlier today about the path we are on and the one we should be on. In it the author talks about the kind of life we lead..."There are two kind of life: The first is ordinary or the expected. It is planned by someone other than you and mostly unfulfilling. The second is extra-ordinary or beyond expectations. It is finding the life which was created for you. God has provided all of us with the possibility of an exciting and fulfilling life. A life He breathes on and causes to become everything we could hope for. He wants you and me to live a satisfying life!"
I know that the person I am becoming, the person God is molding me to be, the character and personality that He is nurturing in me won't make everyone happy. I am sure that there are going to be people who I have known a long time who don't recognize who I am becoming and some will even make fun of me. But I now know that my soul has been unsettled for quite a long time and finally I think I am getting some answers as to why. Hopefully soon I will get signs as to what He has in mind for me. I pray that I will have the courage that the disciples did and walk the path that He has created for me when the time comes to choose that path. And I pray that those who love me will understand that who I am becoming is a better version of me than the person that I was.
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