Rock Bottom

I now know what addicts say when they finally hit rock bottom.  I hit my rock bottom this morning.  I have been out of control, out of touch and unresponsive.  As I told my friend, it has been like static playing in my head and I could not get thoughts out or even make them coherent to blog for some time.  I am not sure where it started or how I got in the shape I was in.  Me and my WW anchor used to text everyday about what we were eating and how we were doing and that too has silenced.  I may have caused that or she too is sitting where I am.  But as it has been said, when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go.  For me, there was only one way to look and He has pulled me up

I got on the scale this morning knowing that I was not going to like what I would see.  I knew that I had not been diligent about what I had been eating.  I had been lying to myself.  I had not cared at all and had been putting anything I wanted in my mouth at anytime I wanted it.  The scale does not lie.  I am up 9 pounds in the last 3 weeks.  That will wake you up.  It was like a cold slap in my face, a slap that I needed.

As I stood in the shower trying to figure out where this started, where did I go wrong, what caused this to happen, I realized that did not matter.  I needed to go back to what got me through this journey when I was on top.  What gave me the strength before to do what I know I had never been able to do any time I had tried to change my eating habits and get healthy before, God.  I realized I used to pray every night thanking Him for getting me through the day and then every morning asking for His strength to get me through the day.  When did that stop?  Why did that stop?  I knew that is what needed to happen right then and it could not wait until I was out of the shower.  So I started praying in the shower.  I started having a conversation with God asking Him to help me once again.

Let me interject something here.  Yesterday at church Pastor Allen was preaching on "What Do You Know".  He gave us verses about I Know and then gave us 30 truths for us to remember about God and to share with our friends.  One thing I know about God that I don't think was on that list is that He always wants the best for us.  No matter what we do or how far we stray, He always wants the best for us.  He will leave 99 of His lambs to go after the 1 that is lost.  Now I know that we can stray and turn our backs too often and eventually I am sure He will wash His hands.  But He wants the best for us.  And I know He wants me to be healthy which is why I am doing what I am doing.  Let's be honest, at 41 I am not doing this to get into a bikini or find me a handsome guy, I already have a husband that I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  I am doing this to reduce my risk of cancer and heart disease and hopefully live a little longer.  All of these things I feel certain He can get on board with and wants for me too.  One of the verses Pastor Allen shared with us, though spoke to me and I had to go back and find it after this morning...

"I Know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."  Job 42:2

God visited me in that shower this morning.  I guess he waited until I was at rock bottom, and my most vulnerable, naked, crying and alone.  I was praying to Him that He please help me get back on my path.  Help me find my way back to where I was when I was eating a healthy diet and following the healthy lifestyle I was on and it was becoming second nature to me.  I was literally begging for His help.  I was begging that he remove the yoke of slavery that he had removed from me and that I had placed back on my neck when I heard a whisper in my head as clear as if He were standing there with me, "Satan has had hold of you" and as soon as I heard this I felt a weight being lift from my shoulders.  I did not realize I had been stooped over standing there but I had.  I was able to stand up straight and for once, without being aware of it and take in a full breath easily.  I cannot describe to you the freedom I felt in that moment.  The pure joy that I felt.  The clarity I felt to my very soul in where I stand and what has been going on within me for the past 3 weeks and let me tell you that is a feeling I wish everyone could feel.  I wept openly thanking God for answering me in that bathroom for a good while, and it felt good.  I know that might sound crazy to some people, but so be it.  As Pastor Allen say, this is one of the things I know.  And I also now know that I no longer sit at rock bottom.  God has lifted the yoke of slavery from me yet again and has restored me back on my path.  Will I stumble?  Yes because I am human.  But He will be there to hear my pleas for help and right my path once again.

It might be raining and cold, but for me, today is a beautiful day.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 NIV)