I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. The weather was cool outside, my kitty was asleep by my head purring and the birds were chirping. I roll out of bed and hobble (my heel spurs are still hurting me) to the bath room and hop on the scale. I will stop right there for a moment since I know what some of you are thinking...you shouldn't weigh yourself every day. I wasn't weighing myself every day for a while and had plateaued and thought let me see how my body fluctuates daily to see what is going on. So I started weighing each morning to see what the difference was. Back to my morning, I get on the scale and realize I have lost .2 over the last 6 days. .2! That is what my watch weighs. I know this because I actually took my watch off one week to weigh in when I had not made it to a goal and needed an additional .2 to make it. What is going on with me? Why am I not losing weight?
For any of you who have ever tried to lose weight you understand the feelings that coursed through me at that exact moment. I went from sadness to anger to fear to unbelief all in a matter of seconds. The thought actually crossed my mind that maybe my body will never allow me to be thin. I have never been thin in my life and maybe I never will be. Why am I watching every morsel that enters my body when my weight loss does not reflect my efforts? What am I doing? And more importantly, what am I doing wrong?
I get in the shower almost in tears but maintain control because I will not allow myself to go to that place. I have been there and it is not a pretty place to visit, and I definitely will not go back there to live. I have to keep a positive attitude but have not figured out how yet.
Then I turn to the one and only thing I know to do. I start to pray while I am in the shower. I pray that God will give me the strength to hold it together today. Just one day. I have no idea what tomorrow brings, just please let me hold it together today. This leads me to what some of you might think is crazy but I truly believe is possible. God allows Satan to test and attack us. God only allows him the ability to "play" with us to the point that He knows we can take. Is God allowing Satan to attack me with my weight loss to see if I will continue to turn to Him and rely on His strength? Is He allowing Satan to test me? If so, he will not win. It is not fun and I am more than a little frustrated and I am whipped today but I am holding on by my fingernails and will not let go. He can continue to test and attack and I will continue to journal and eat what I should to make my body healthy. Eventually my body has to start losing again. At least I have my trust in God that it does. I pray that I can one day be thin and healthy if I stay true to this plan and continue to eat correctly.
With that said, what if it is just me? Maybe I am doing something wrong. I journal my food and stay within my points. I walk when my foot doesn't hurt. But maybe I am not doing enough. There are others who stay within their points and continue to drop weight every week. They weigh less than me and the weight comes off. You hear of people losing a 100 pounds in a year or more on WW. At this rate, I will be lucky to lose 50 pounds this year. I don't eat everything I want or the portions I want and the weight hangs on. What am I doing wrong? Why am I not succeeding at this? I am proud of my 30 pounds, but losing almost nothing in a month when I am truly trying is wearing on me. What am I not doing? What should I be doing different?
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