Another short road trip has passed and here I find myself back at home assessing what all we did and saw. This trip was more about relaxation than doing actual activities, much to the shagrin of my friend's children I think. Most of Sunday was spent in the car riding through the Great Smokey Mountain National Park enjoying the beauty that God has placed on this planet for us to enjoy. I don't think that an 8 year old, or even a 12 year old for that matter, can quite enjoy it like a 41 year old can. But enjoy it we did, and how we were rewarded for our patience.
During our travels on Sunday we saw the most beautiful rhododendron in their last stages of bloom. Rhododendron larger than any I have ever seen growing wild on the sides of the mountains. They are so thick it looked like there was snow on the mountains in June. I was in awe of the beauty simply placed there in wild growth when I can't even grow that bush on purpose in my yard. We drove on into an area called Cades Cove which is now a wild life preserve of sorts. Many years ago people lived here in a loosely populated community and there are still churches there to this date that are in use. Now it is the most visited area in the park with it's 8 mile loop that you drive as you search for wild life. Deer are always present, but on some days you get the pleasure of seeing bears. This day we were abundantly blessed. As we started the loop, the horses that are used in the riding stables had just been released and were all galloping to the area further down the road where they know they would be petted and fed treats by the visitors. They love peppermints, which we made sure we brought with us, and will stand there and chomp on them as long as you hand them out. We fed them until we eventually ran out of candy and got back in the car to meander a little further down to see what else the park had in store. We were not disappointed when we saw a momma bear and her 2 cubs in a field. The cubs were so small you could only see them when they would jump up out of the tall grass while playing. We saw, well actually heard running through the woods before we saw it, a large buck. It came within feet of our car and stopped to stare and a young man walking down the road when he startled him. There were deer everywhere, some within feet of our car. Because of all the wild life the traveling was extremely slow and at times we were stopped for an extended time so we were getting out of the park at dark. As we were making the last leg of the loop Machelle's son said that he thought he saw something moving to our left. After letting our eyes adjust to the light we realized there was a bear just feet from us. He was so close that eventually he was right outside my door and we thought he was going to walk in front of my car. How amazing! To see the beauty and wonders that God puts on this earth right there at our fingertips.
After spending longer than expected and seeing more than I ever have on one trip in the park we were much later than expected getting back into Gatlinburg. We had planned to play putt-putt that evening but now would not be able to like we promised my friend's kids. This threw me into a control freak tailspin. I like things ordered. I always have and probably always will. I like to get up on the travel home day, eat and get on the road. I guess I have way too much of my father in me. But because we could not get the putt-putt in on Sunday night like expected we were now going to have to do it the next morning before we could get on the road. This one small change in my plans stripped from my view all the beautiful things I had seen and enjoyed and replaced it only with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. How would I get home in time to get all my errands done before work the next day? I would be worn out. I can't even remember all the thoughts running through my head.
I got back to the room and began thinking about the weekend. I was thinking about where my head was right then and the whole weekend in general. I realized that I needed a little retooling. I had had a feeling nagging me for the couple of days I had been away from home, but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt out of sorts with no real reason that I could put my finger on. Not in a bad way, but just like there was something wrong but not so wrong that I needed to do something about it. While sitting in a chair and thinking to myself I realized what my problem was. I was so out of my element food wise that it was causing me a little bit of unease. I was feeling out of control. I know that control can be a bad thing, but control can also be a good thing. I have been eating so much healtier for the last 6 months that it has become habit without me really knowing it. I don't think twice about what I eat anymore, I just typically reach for the healthier option. I have healthy options in my fridge and never eat fast food anymore. But, through no fault but my own I slipped right back into old habits and it made me uneasy and out of sorts without me fully understanding what I was doing to myself. I had decided I was going to have chocolate chip pancakes even if they made me sick. I had them (they did not make me sick) and ate almost the whole plate of them. I ate what I wanted, or what my default brain thought I wanted, when I wanted with no regard to hunger or health. I felt completely out of control and that made me feel uneasy and out of sorts and ungrounded. I realized sitting in that chair that I did not like that feeling any longer. I have felt that way too long and the fact that even feeling it for a moment scares the hell out of me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. What I choose for my life is what I choose. I tried the very next morning to make the best choices I could at breakfast (which is what I wanted to the very soul of who I am and where I want to be and I felt better). I went to putt-putt and let my control over that part of my life go and enjoyed my time there. I did not have a perfect day with my eating. The snacks were still way to close at hand and I still dove in them with reckless abandon and felt that same out of control creeping back in. But, by the time I got back home with the safety of my ability to choose correctly has helped me get my equilibrium back. I can't go back and change anything about this weekend, nor would I want to. I enjoyed myself and had a wonderful time. But hopefully with a little more retooling of my mind, body and spirit I won't loose so much control next time and I won't feel as lost as I did for that short period of time on this trip.
This has been a learning curve for me and hopefully a little retooling of how I look at food in just one more small way. It is not my enemy, in fact it can be my greatest assest if I do not allow it to have power over me any longer. Thank you Lord for a wonderful, relaxing weekend getaway and allowing me to learn a lesson along the way.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Direction of my dreams...
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. -- Henry David Thoreau
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
Monday, May 28, 2012
How? Why?
I have realized this weekend that I have not learned enough at Weight Watchers yet to be allowed out on my own. If I were going to an AA meeting I would be starting over at day of my sobriety. I am not making light of where I am in my journey, just sharing an observation. I have been soaring along with my weight loss without a care in the world until I have finally fall on my face. And I didn't just stumble, I have fallen hard. Everything has been ticking for me. I have gotten almost 40 pounds off and doing a great job. Then the last few weeks happened.
I don't know why or how I have gotten to where I am. I decided last week that I was starting back over with the basics. After a week of being out of control and knowing that I was going to gain I was able to get back in control on lose 1 pound over 2 weeks time. Just as I was getting my eating and more importantly my head in the right place along came a trip out of town. I have been out of town prior to this trip and was able to hold it together, able to make smart healthy decisions. Why this trip was my downfall I have no idea. It was as if I was not trying to watch or control anything about my eating. It was as if there was no WW in my life and it was just the good ole days of over indulgence and the choice of anything and everything on the menu without concequences to my health.
How is it that for 20 weeks I can do so well and have my head in the game and then so quickly toss it out as if it never existed? Why would I allow that to happen?
I owe this healthier way of life to myself. Tomorrow is a new day. I cannot change what I have done. I cannot change the fact that I am sure I will gain this week and temporarily ruin my chances at my 40 pound star. The only thing I can change is what I put in my mouth from this moment forward. I also owe it to my WW buddy at work to get my head out of my butt and find my motivation no matter where it might be trying to hide. We have made a pact with one another to get each other through this. We have to be the strength for one another to make this work.
I shall not beat myself up. I will pick up the pieces and move forward. I know what it takes to make this way of life work. This does work and it will be what I have to do for the rest of my life. I like the fact that my clothes that have not fit in years are now fitting. I like the fact that I am having to buy new clothes because everything I own is getting too small. And I really like the fact that I know deep down that every decision I make to not eat french fries or choclate cake just because they are there is another day that I will add onto my life span.
I pray that God will give me the strength tomorrow to get me through the day. Just one day at a time. I have to remember to Trust the Journey. That is what has gotten me this far and that is what will get me the rest of the way to my healthier life.
I don't know why or how I have gotten to where I am. I decided last week that I was starting back over with the basics. After a week of being out of control and knowing that I was going to gain I was able to get back in control on lose 1 pound over 2 weeks time. Just as I was getting my eating and more importantly my head in the right place along came a trip out of town. I have been out of town prior to this trip and was able to hold it together, able to make smart healthy decisions. Why this trip was my downfall I have no idea. It was as if I was not trying to watch or control anything about my eating. It was as if there was no WW in my life and it was just the good ole days of over indulgence and the choice of anything and everything on the menu without concequences to my health.
How is it that for 20 weeks I can do so well and have my head in the game and then so quickly toss it out as if it never existed? Why would I allow that to happen?
I owe this healthier way of life to myself. Tomorrow is a new day. I cannot change what I have done. I cannot change the fact that I am sure I will gain this week and temporarily ruin my chances at my 40 pound star. The only thing I can change is what I put in my mouth from this moment forward. I also owe it to my WW buddy at work to get my head out of my butt and find my motivation no matter where it might be trying to hide. We have made a pact with one another to get each other through this. We have to be the strength for one another to make this work.
I shall not beat myself up. I will pick up the pieces and move forward. I know what it takes to make this way of life work. This does work and it will be what I have to do for the rest of my life. I like the fact that my clothes that have not fit in years are now fitting. I like the fact that I am having to buy new clothes because everything I own is getting too small. And I really like the fact that I know deep down that every decision I make to not eat french fries or choclate cake just because they are there is another day that I will add onto my life span.
I pray that God will give me the strength tomorrow to get me through the day. Just one day at a time. I have to remember to Trust the Journey. That is what has gotten me this far and that is what will get me the rest of the way to my healthier life.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Are you dancing?
I was reading a post a friend of mine put on her facebook yesterday and it got me to thinking. She was talking about singing out loud the last verse of a song that she was listening to while she ran on the treadmill at the gym. She closed with a statement that I really liked...
"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back."
How true that is. How many of us allow the devil to ride around on our backs? He climbs on mine from time to time and whispers in my ear telling me to eat things that I know I do not want or need. Or maybe he tells me to say or do something that I know is not nice or could possibly hurt someone else's feelings. So many times I have allowed the devil to whisper little lies in my ear while I carried his weight around on my back, and man is he heavy. Why do I allow it? This journey is showing me that I don't ever have to do that again. I did not realize that was what I was doing, in those terms, until I read her statement, but it IS what I am doing.
My journey with my eating has been as much about learning to listen to God and seek God as it has been about the weight loss. I have said it and said it, and I am going to say it again. I would not have come this far without His strength. Let me give you a little glimpse into just what I mean.
This past weekend I let my focus slip for just a little while. I usually get up every morning and ask God for His strength to get me through the day. Please give me the strength I need to stay on program and walk the path You want me to walk. Then again at night I thank Him for that strength and ask for the strength I will need tomorrow. I stop at times throughout the day to pray along the way as well. I have mentioned that I have taken the attitude of an alcoholic. God is my higher power and WW meetings are my AA meetings. Hey, it works for me when nothing else ever has. Well this weekend I did not pray. Don't know why, just got busy and distracted and the devil hopped on my back. I began eating and it really did not matter what I put in my mouth. I realized how out of control I was when I was sitting on my couch Saturday night with a box of granola turning it up and pouring it into my mouth. No bowl, no milk, no spoon, just pouring the granola straight into my mouth and eating it until it was all gone. Could not stop. This eating with wild abandon continued until I came back to work to face my Weight Watchers buddy and confessed all my sins to her and got back into control.
How did he (the devil) get there? I looked away from God for just a minute. That little window of opportunity is all he needed. That little loss of focus to distract me was enough. But I am back. I am praying and focused again and God is good. He took me right back as if I never turned away from Him. He flicked the devil off my shoulder and wrapped His arms around me and turned my head back toward my goal. I am back to my praying and texting my WW buddy to stay focused once again. I know it won't be my only or last slip. But as God reveals what is truly going on it makes it a little easier to jump back in line.
And don't think God doesn't have a good sense of humor at the same time. I went to my weigh in on Wednesday at noon as I always do. I walk up to the counter and tell Stephanie (the leader), I am going to gain this week. I did it, I own it, I deserve it, no tears, no fits and that is just the way it is. I step up and expect to hear anywere from 3 to 5 pounds. She looks at me and just laughs and writes the numbers down. I actually lost a pound through it all. Thank you God. You thought me a lesson and through it all you still helped me lose a pound. Believe me, I am dancing and I am not going to stop!!
"I removed the burden from their shoulders" Psalms 81:6
"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back."
How true that is. How many of us allow the devil to ride around on our backs? He climbs on mine from time to time and whispers in my ear telling me to eat things that I know I do not want or need. Or maybe he tells me to say or do something that I know is not nice or could possibly hurt someone else's feelings. So many times I have allowed the devil to whisper little lies in my ear while I carried his weight around on my back, and man is he heavy. Why do I allow it? This journey is showing me that I don't ever have to do that again. I did not realize that was what I was doing, in those terms, until I read her statement, but it IS what I am doing.
My journey with my eating has been as much about learning to listen to God and seek God as it has been about the weight loss. I have said it and said it, and I am going to say it again. I would not have come this far without His strength. Let me give you a little glimpse into just what I mean.
This past weekend I let my focus slip for just a little while. I usually get up every morning and ask God for His strength to get me through the day. Please give me the strength I need to stay on program and walk the path You want me to walk. Then again at night I thank Him for that strength and ask for the strength I will need tomorrow. I stop at times throughout the day to pray along the way as well. I have mentioned that I have taken the attitude of an alcoholic. God is my higher power and WW meetings are my AA meetings. Hey, it works for me when nothing else ever has. Well this weekend I did not pray. Don't know why, just got busy and distracted and the devil hopped on my back. I began eating and it really did not matter what I put in my mouth. I realized how out of control I was when I was sitting on my couch Saturday night with a box of granola turning it up and pouring it into my mouth. No bowl, no milk, no spoon, just pouring the granola straight into my mouth and eating it until it was all gone. Could not stop. This eating with wild abandon continued until I came back to work to face my Weight Watchers buddy and confessed all my sins to her and got back into control.
How did he (the devil) get there? I looked away from God for just a minute. That little window of opportunity is all he needed. That little loss of focus to distract me was enough. But I am back. I am praying and focused again and God is good. He took me right back as if I never turned away from Him. He flicked the devil off my shoulder and wrapped His arms around me and turned my head back toward my goal. I am back to my praying and texting my WW buddy to stay focused once again. I know it won't be my only or last slip. But as God reveals what is truly going on it makes it a little easier to jump back in line.
And don't think God doesn't have a good sense of humor at the same time. I went to my weigh in on Wednesday at noon as I always do. I walk up to the counter and tell Stephanie (the leader), I am going to gain this week. I did it, I own it, I deserve it, no tears, no fits and that is just the way it is. I step up and expect to hear anywere from 3 to 5 pounds. She looks at me and just laughs and writes the numbers down. I actually lost a pound through it all. Thank you God. You thought me a lesson and through it all you still helped me lose a pound. Believe me, I am dancing and I am not going to stop!!
"I removed the burden from their shoulders" Psalms 81:6
Friday, May 4, 2012
Too Much Information
How many times in our day do we feel like someone shares too much information (TMI) with us? If you work in an office like I do and answer phones it is probably every day. If you have friends, like I do, with whom you are comfortable sharing the most intimate details of their life with then it is safe to say it is very often. But how often do we get bogged down with an overload of information and temporarily lose our way? I don't mean this in a negative way exactly, so hear me out.
My office is a high stress, high volume office. I get multiple phone calls every day with people asking for help for some issue or another. I have a constant line of traffic in and out of my office to see me and/or my boss. Some come to visit; some come to complain. Some I can help; some there is no help for. It is just the nature of my job. I knew what it was when I signed up for it, and for the most part I am good at what I do and the stress doesn't bother me. But with the TMI of the job I do get a little lost from time to time and the "Me" in the situation is overlooked or simply pushed to the side because I don't have the time. I get through the whole day and am a bit frazzled and realize that I have been running and never stopped long enough to even spend a minute to think about what I need in the midst of thinking about what everyone else needs.
On my drive home recently, during a bit of some of the only quite time I get, I was think as I often do and I was stuck with what I feel was a word from God...
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalms 46:10
How often do we really do that? How often do we allow ourselves the time to be still and listen? How often do we slow down an appreciate what God has provided for us and truly enjoy the beauty He surrounds us with every day?
I realized that when I take a moment during the day to actually get out of my chair, go to the window and look through the trees to the river, and take in the beauty just sitting there to be enjoyed it refreshes me. Or if I can slow down long enough to enjoy a few minutes with my friends at work and talk about our lives and not work it makes the day a little more enjoyable and can keep me focused. It is the good parts of life that God gives us that make everything else tolerable. Our days are filled with TMI. Computers, phones, radios, co-workers, cars, customers, the list could go on and on coming at us all day long. Depending on who you are and what you do, your evenings are probably filled with tvs, cooking, children, friends, spouses, shopping, cars, and any number of outside distractions. Some of us have difficulty finding time to just be still and listen to what God is trying to tell us.
Every night for a few minutes when I get a little quiet time as I am going to bed I take the time to pray. I make it a point to pray for the strength to walk this journey out the next day and thank God that he gave me the strength I needed today. I know that in this world of TMI I cannot do this on my own and will never naturally own the strength it takes to walk this journey alone. Only with the support and love of my friends and family and the strength and guidance given by God will I make it to my final goal.
Trust Your Journey and thank you for following with me on mine.
My office is a high stress, high volume office. I get multiple phone calls every day with people asking for help for some issue or another. I have a constant line of traffic in and out of my office to see me and/or my boss. Some come to visit; some come to complain. Some I can help; some there is no help for. It is just the nature of my job. I knew what it was when I signed up for it, and for the most part I am good at what I do and the stress doesn't bother me. But with the TMI of the job I do get a little lost from time to time and the "Me" in the situation is overlooked or simply pushed to the side because I don't have the time. I get through the whole day and am a bit frazzled and realize that I have been running and never stopped long enough to even spend a minute to think about what I need in the midst of thinking about what everyone else needs.
On my drive home recently, during a bit of some of the only quite time I get, I was think as I often do and I was stuck with what I feel was a word from God...
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalms 46:10
How often do we really do that? How often do we allow ourselves the time to be still and listen? How often do we slow down an appreciate what God has provided for us and truly enjoy the beauty He surrounds us with every day?
I realized that when I take a moment during the day to actually get out of my chair, go to the window and look through the trees to the river, and take in the beauty just sitting there to be enjoyed it refreshes me. Or if I can slow down long enough to enjoy a few minutes with my friends at work and talk about our lives and not work it makes the day a little more enjoyable and can keep me focused. It is the good parts of life that God gives us that make everything else tolerable. Our days are filled with TMI. Computers, phones, radios, co-workers, cars, customers, the list could go on and on coming at us all day long. Depending on who you are and what you do, your evenings are probably filled with tvs, cooking, children, friends, spouses, shopping, cars, and any number of outside distractions. Some of us have difficulty finding time to just be still and listen to what God is trying to tell us.
Every night for a few minutes when I get a little quiet time as I am going to bed I take the time to pray. I make it a point to pray for the strength to walk this journey out the next day and thank God that he gave me the strength I needed today. I know that in this world of TMI I cannot do this on my own and will never naturally own the strength it takes to walk this journey alone. Only with the support and love of my friends and family and the strength and guidance given by God will I make it to my final goal.
Trust Your Journey and thank you for following with me on mine.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Second Chances
There are times in life that we are given second chances. Many times we are given second chances when we don't even realize that it is a second chance. That is where I feel I am in my life journey, not just my weight loss journey. Let me share with you how the thought came to my mind to write about it, but more importantly how it hit me to change how I look at my life in general.
I was sitting in my back yard on Saturday evening watching my 9 year old black and tan coon hound run and frolic around the back yard playing with my other dog. For most people this would not be significant. For me this was a moment of thanks to God. You see, just a few months ago I had to take Minnie (my dog) to the vet because her hips were hurting her so badly that she could barely walk. I made my husband go with me because I was terrified the doctor was going to tell me that there was nothing that they could do and we were going to have to put her down. He confirmed that she has hip dysplasia, but with proper medication and getting some weight off of her she would be able to live much longer. He said a dog with 3 legs can survive, but a dog with 2 can't. So we put her on a strick diet and medication. I think this talk scared Dane and even he conformed to the no bad treat and table scrap policy for her health. Believe it or not a dog will eat sweet potato for treats instead of the crap you buy at stores and they will survive without the leftovers we hate to throw away. So watching her play like she was young again and seeing her ears perked up warmed my heart and brought a few tears of thanks to my eyes. Minnie had gotten her second chance even if she didn't realize is. She is living her second chance. Thankfully she doesn't have the ability to get food or anything unless we give it to her and becuase of that we will have more years to love her. At times I wish life for me was that way.
Which leads me to myself and when my light bulb went off and I realized my second chance. Most of you who know me know that my mother died a year ago in December. My mother was one of my very best friends and the very line that tethered me to the ground. I spoke to her every day. I saw her at least once a week. And when she fell ill I was the main one who took care of her. During the last 6-8 months of her life I worked 2 days a week so that I could spend the other 3 taking care of her. I don't say that for sympathy or to pat myself of the back. I say that to express what an important part of my life she was. After her death I was lost. For a year I was numb and wandered through life without caring much about anything. I didn't realize to the depth of how I felt until this past Christmas/New Years.
Because my mother died on the 16th of December and her funeral was on the 20th Christmas will probably remain difficult for me. So this last year me and Dane decided to go away for Christmas. We went to Charleston, SC and just enjoyed our time together quitely through the holiday. Our time was quite and gave me lots of time to think. I was finally still and quiet for long enough to finally realize just how I had been feeling for the whole year and that led me to wondering about my weight and my health and where they would lead me in the future.
My mother died from cancer at 72 and my father died from a heart attack at 66. I am currently completely healthy, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol or any others problems, but for how long? How many second chances will I get? I turned 41 in February and how many more years will I be given if i don't make some changes? And it really struck me this time.
That is where my journey began. I decided to join Weight Watchers and thankfully my friend at work joined with me. And as I have said before, something about this time is different for me. Something in me has clicked this time. I realize it is not a diet that I am going to lose weight and then can go back to what I was eating before. This is a life change. This is my opportunity to grab hold of my second chance. No matter what your second chance may be, don't let it pass you by.
I was sitting in my back yard on Saturday evening watching my 9 year old black and tan coon hound run and frolic around the back yard playing with my other dog. For most people this would not be significant. For me this was a moment of thanks to God. You see, just a few months ago I had to take Minnie (my dog) to the vet because her hips were hurting her so badly that she could barely walk. I made my husband go with me because I was terrified the doctor was going to tell me that there was nothing that they could do and we were going to have to put her down. He confirmed that she has hip dysplasia, but with proper medication and getting some weight off of her she would be able to live much longer. He said a dog with 3 legs can survive, but a dog with 2 can't. So we put her on a strick diet and medication. I think this talk scared Dane and even he conformed to the no bad treat and table scrap policy for her health. Believe it or not a dog will eat sweet potato for treats instead of the crap you buy at stores and they will survive without the leftovers we hate to throw away. So watching her play like she was young again and seeing her ears perked up warmed my heart and brought a few tears of thanks to my eyes. Minnie had gotten her second chance even if she didn't realize is. She is living her second chance. Thankfully she doesn't have the ability to get food or anything unless we give it to her and becuase of that we will have more years to love her. At times I wish life for me was that way.
Which leads me to myself and when my light bulb went off and I realized my second chance. Most of you who know me know that my mother died a year ago in December. My mother was one of my very best friends and the very line that tethered me to the ground. I spoke to her every day. I saw her at least once a week. And when she fell ill I was the main one who took care of her. During the last 6-8 months of her life I worked 2 days a week so that I could spend the other 3 taking care of her. I don't say that for sympathy or to pat myself of the back. I say that to express what an important part of my life she was. After her death I was lost. For a year I was numb and wandered through life without caring much about anything. I didn't realize to the depth of how I felt until this past Christmas/New Years.
Because my mother died on the 16th of December and her funeral was on the 20th Christmas will probably remain difficult for me. So this last year me and Dane decided to go away for Christmas. We went to Charleston, SC and just enjoyed our time together quitely through the holiday. Our time was quite and gave me lots of time to think. I was finally still and quiet for long enough to finally realize just how I had been feeling for the whole year and that led me to wondering about my weight and my health and where they would lead me in the future.
My mother died from cancer at 72 and my father died from a heart attack at 66. I am currently completely healthy, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol or any others problems, but for how long? How many second chances will I get? I turned 41 in February and how many more years will I be given if i don't make some changes? And it really struck me this time.
That is where my journey began. I decided to join Weight Watchers and thankfully my friend at work joined with me. And as I have said before, something about this time is different for me. Something in me has clicked this time. I realize it is not a diet that I am going to lose weight and then can go back to what I was eating before. This is a life change. This is my opportunity to grab hold of my second chance. No matter what your second chance may be, don't let it pass you by.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Amidst the chaos...
You never know what a day will bring you when you roll out of bed in the morning. And we never know how the events of the day will send us into a tailspin or teach us a lesson before the day is over.
No matter what any of us are trying to do in our lives, calm is usually something that we treasure. But calm is not something that many of us have in abundance. That would be my case today. Today was not the norm for me and the chaos seemed to be coming at me from every direction.
I started my day knowing that the receptionist was going to be out until early afternoon and I would be the only person in the office. I, however, did no know that the world at large was going to conspire against me to try and literally drive me over the edge. I got up, cooked my breakfast, packed my lunch and snacks, poured my 32 ounces of decaf/splenda sweetened tea and hit the road for my hour drive to work. And yes, if you are wondering, the bathroom is my first stop on arriving to work. When I got there the phone started ringing and did not stop for hours. I had calls regarding every topic you can think of coming into a city office. I even had calls that had nothing to do with city related business as we so often get, asking for phone numbers to county offices, Channel 4 in Nashville, the library, attorney's offices and others that I can't remember at this time. Yes, when someone doesn't feel like looking a number up they often call our office for some reason. During all of the phone calls I had a lady appear at my desk asking for a meeting with my boss and a 20 minute story as to why she needed it. I finally had to set the meeting that really doesn't need to happen just so I could get them out of my office and try to continue working. The whole time I was answering phones, trying to clear email and looking for a document that has mysteriously disappeared from my desk. The mail was delivered and I accidentally opened part of it because it was on my desk and the phone rang. Unfortunatly, my reaction to mail on my desk is open it. Oops. I had 5 or 6 pieces open before I realized I was opening the mail for the entire building and not just my boss. Every time I would even take a minute to run to the restroom I would have a couple of voice mail on the phone when I returned.
It was absolute chaos in our office to say the least. It was one of the craziest days we have had in the almost year and a half since I have been there. So, when the receptionist did finally get there I decided I had to leave to go to lunch before I did something I would regret. I brought my lunch but I had to get out of that office for a few minutes to a place where no one else was and the phone wasn't ringing.
In comes the old habits. I immediately thought "Man I really want to go to the Mexican restaurant and put my face straight into a whole basket of chips." Yep, a little uncontrolled chaos and I immediately turn to food. What can soothe me better than some food? But something in me has changed without me really noticing it. Amidst the chaos of the day the little voice inside me that has taken up what I hope is permenant residence reminded me of what I am doing and how far I have come. It reminded me that the chips are just food and that I don't really want to go and destroy all of the good I have done this week to break the 3 week plateau that I have been sitting on. Wow, even a 41 year old woman like me really can learn new habits. My mother would be so proud of my choice today to choose me over the food.
So needless to say, I did leave the office for lunch. I went to Subway and got a sandwhich (not the bad for me tuna that I really wanted) and a bad of Light Lays. I then went to the river and ate it in peace while I read my book. Just an hour away from the office really helped to reset my emotionally and spiritally. I did not need a basket of chips and salsa to do that like I always thought I did in the past. What an amazing revelation.
No matter what any of us are trying to do in our lives, calm is usually something that we treasure. But calm is not something that many of us have in abundance. That would be my case today. Today was not the norm for me and the chaos seemed to be coming at me from every direction.
I started my day knowing that the receptionist was going to be out until early afternoon and I would be the only person in the office. I, however, did no know that the world at large was going to conspire against me to try and literally drive me over the edge. I got up, cooked my breakfast, packed my lunch and snacks, poured my 32 ounces of decaf/splenda sweetened tea and hit the road for my hour drive to work. And yes, if you are wondering, the bathroom is my first stop on arriving to work. When I got there the phone started ringing and did not stop for hours. I had calls regarding every topic you can think of coming into a city office. I even had calls that had nothing to do with city related business as we so often get, asking for phone numbers to county offices, Channel 4 in Nashville, the library, attorney's offices and others that I can't remember at this time. Yes, when someone doesn't feel like looking a number up they often call our office for some reason. During all of the phone calls I had a lady appear at my desk asking for a meeting with my boss and a 20 minute story as to why she needed it. I finally had to set the meeting that really doesn't need to happen just so I could get them out of my office and try to continue working. The whole time I was answering phones, trying to clear email and looking for a document that has mysteriously disappeared from my desk. The mail was delivered and I accidentally opened part of it because it was on my desk and the phone rang. Unfortunatly, my reaction to mail on my desk is open it. Oops. I had 5 or 6 pieces open before I realized I was opening the mail for the entire building and not just my boss. Every time I would even take a minute to run to the restroom I would have a couple of voice mail on the phone when I returned.
It was absolute chaos in our office to say the least. It was one of the craziest days we have had in the almost year and a half since I have been there. So, when the receptionist did finally get there I decided I had to leave to go to lunch before I did something I would regret. I brought my lunch but I had to get out of that office for a few minutes to a place where no one else was and the phone wasn't ringing.
In comes the old habits. I immediately thought "Man I really want to go to the Mexican restaurant and put my face straight into a whole basket of chips." Yep, a little uncontrolled chaos and I immediately turn to food. What can soothe me better than some food? But something in me has changed without me really noticing it. Amidst the chaos of the day the little voice inside me that has taken up what I hope is permenant residence reminded me of what I am doing and how far I have come. It reminded me that the chips are just food and that I don't really want to go and destroy all of the good I have done this week to break the 3 week plateau that I have been sitting on. Wow, even a 41 year old woman like me really can learn new habits. My mother would be so proud of my choice today to choose me over the food.
So needless to say, I did leave the office for lunch. I went to Subway and got a sandwhich (not the bad for me tuna that I really wanted) and a bad of Light Lays. I then went to the river and ate it in peace while I read my book. Just an hour away from the office really helped to reset my emotionally and spiritally. I did not need a basket of chips and salsa to do that like I always thought I did in the past. What an amazing revelation.
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