A friend of mine put this on his facebook recently, "The more intensely we feel about an idea or goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment." I too believe this is true. As much as I am struggling right now I do believe this is true. I just have to figure out how to reach that goal and beat back the human side of me that is trying every way possibl to sabatage this journey I am trying to follow.
When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement. It was a statement that I was afraid to make. I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways. I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss. I felt I had to do it. I had to state that it was mine or it never would be. I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it. Well, I was happy to say that I continued. I was getting stronger. Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW). I was moving right along. I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky. I was proud of myself. I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds. I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world. If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling? Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?
The last post I made I stated what I was feeling. I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not? I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me. I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it. So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone. It was no longer controlling my day. I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to. I do feel that God has brought me this far. I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce. But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing. Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot. I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back. I feel lost and incomplete. I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for. I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago. I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this." Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control. I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.
The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better. That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go. I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today.
I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed. One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway. "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart." I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel.
I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippian 3:12
You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say. Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Being thankful
Yep, it's me again Margaret. I was in a bit of a snit yesterday when I posted and I could not see past my own problems to see the blessings in front of me. Since then, yes, a whole 12 hours God has shown me that I have way more to be thankful for than I have to complain about.
Let me start by saying I am a food addict. Yes, there is such a thing and it is as real as an alcoholic or a drug addict. For me it is more difficult an addiction to kick than either of those because you have to have food to survive. Please don't hate me or write me dirty response for that statement, it is just how I feel. You don't have to have alcohol, cigarettes or drugs to live. Try giving up food and walking away from it completely. Bet you can't do it and survive for very long. A food addict has to learn how to eat healthy food in a healthy quantity while dealing with the addiction that got them fat in the first place. Doesn't sound easy because it isn't. This is part of why I feel I have never been able to get weight off and keep it off in my 41 years. This is exactly where God hit me last night after my pity party for one.
After I blogged last night I went to bed. I was saying my prayers thanking God for getting me through yesterday and to please give me the strength to get through today. When He revealed something to me that really had not fully hit me since I started this journey 25 weeks ago. He has delivered me from this addiction. Don't get me wrong. I still crave food and I still want things I should not have from time to time. And I prove that the human in me can rear her ugly head and overpower God's strength in me by shoving him to the side and do what I want to do even when I know I am wrong. But it dawned on me while laying in bed praying that the pull food has had on me every day has not been in me since I gave this journey over to God 25 weeks ago. How did I miss that? How did I miss this shift in my desire for food? There are times that I truly look at food as fuel and not as something that I covet. Who is that person and how did she get inside me? I have told my WW buddy over and over that I really have not had any cravings this time and I keep attributing it to the fact that we can have all the fruit we want now. It hit me like a lightening bolt last night. NO! It isn't the fruit - it is God. It is God working in me changing who I am. Wow, all I could say was thank you.
There are many other things I realized and I was overly thankful for the things that were revealed to me last night that I have been taking for granted, but I will leave this where it is and just say that God is good and will work wonders if you let Him and trust the journey He has in store for you.
Let me start by saying I am a food addict. Yes, there is such a thing and it is as real as an alcoholic or a drug addict. For me it is more difficult an addiction to kick than either of those because you have to have food to survive. Please don't hate me or write me dirty response for that statement, it is just how I feel. You don't have to have alcohol, cigarettes or drugs to live. Try giving up food and walking away from it completely. Bet you can't do it and survive for very long. A food addict has to learn how to eat healthy food in a healthy quantity while dealing with the addiction that got them fat in the first place. Doesn't sound easy because it isn't. This is part of why I feel I have never been able to get weight off and keep it off in my 41 years. This is exactly where God hit me last night after my pity party for one.
After I blogged last night I went to bed. I was saying my prayers thanking God for getting me through yesterday and to please give me the strength to get through today. When He revealed something to me that really had not fully hit me since I started this journey 25 weeks ago. He has delivered me from this addiction. Don't get me wrong. I still crave food and I still want things I should not have from time to time. And I prove that the human in me can rear her ugly head and overpower God's strength in me by shoving him to the side and do what I want to do even when I know I am wrong. But it dawned on me while laying in bed praying that the pull food has had on me every day has not been in me since I gave this journey over to God 25 weeks ago. How did I miss that? How did I miss this shift in my desire for food? There are times that I truly look at food as fuel and not as something that I covet. Who is that person and how did she get inside me? I have told my WW buddy over and over that I really have not had any cravings this time and I keep attributing it to the fact that we can have all the fruit we want now. It hit me like a lightening bolt last night. NO! It isn't the fruit - it is God. It is God working in me changing who I am. Wow, all I could say was thank you.
There are many other things I realized and I was overly thankful for the things that were revealed to me last night that I have been taking for granted, but I will leave this where it is and just say that God is good and will work wonders if you let Him and trust the journey He has in store for you.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Frustration and the things I know.
Today is June 27th, and I started this journey in January. Where I am along this road is not where I thought I would be. I did not and still do not think that my expectations are too high or that I expect too much from myself. I realize and am reminded daily that I am merely human and will continue to do things that are not perfect. However, I really am trying. I have been going to Weight Watchers 25 weeks, far longer than I have ever stayed commited in my life, and have lost 41.2 pounds. I know, before anyone says that is still a good amount, I know that it is, but over the last 4 weeks I have only lost .6 which is part of where the frustration begins.
I have turned my eating habits completely around in the last six months. I have only eaten fast food one time, other than Subway which I don't count as fast food, and that was due to circumstance and not an option that I sought out to eat. I have not had a package of cookies, bag of chips or candy in my home that I knew I could not avoid. And to be honest I have not missed those things. I have realized that if I want a cookie I can have one, I will just buy a single serving pack and eat what I am craving and not binge on them like I once did. With that said, I haven't even done that or really wanted to. I take that back. There have been moments of stress where if I were somewhere with complete access to any food I would have eaten my weight in certain foods, but if I allow time and distance to let those cravings pass now, they do. This time everything has been different for me and I am thankful. I have not had cravings like I have always had every other time I have tried to lose weight. I have not craved sugar, chocolate or french fries to the point that I have driven to the store or restaurant at midnight to purchase them.
As I have said before in this blog, I have placed this journey in God's hands. I have taken this one day at a time and have prayed for His strength every day to get me through. I will continue to do so in the knowledge that He will not place on me anything more than He knows I can handle. Even though I know that, I am so frustrated in the fact that I was especially disciplined this week and have made the efforts that I knew were necessary on my part and the weight just seems to want to stay with me for old times sake.
Let me give you a little background. I was out of town last week and I expected a slight gain because I knew I had not stayed on program like I should. Went in last week and gained 1.8. I was ok with that. I deserved it, I expected it, and I owned it. I immediately regained control and went right back on program counting points. This last week I was perfect. There were even 3 days that I did not even eat all of my points, which I was told I could do by my leader at WW if I wasn't hungry at the end of the day. Went to weigh in today and lost .8. How can I eat a little out of control, but not completely and utterly obscenely out of control, for 3 days and gain 1.8 then turn around and be perfect for 7 and eat only healthy and within points but only lose .8? Herein lies my frustration.
After pitching somewhat of a fit today and wallowing in my frustration, these are the things I know...I know I will get to my goal weight one day (may be years but I will get there) as long as I keep doing what I am doing and do not stop. I know that God will continue to give me the strength to continue on this journey as long as I ask for His strength. I know that there will be bumps in the road, because just like life, this too will not be perfect. I know that like all things worth having I will have to work for it and it will most likely have some struggle involved. I know the reward will far out weigh the sacrific. I know that what I call sacrific has truly not even been sacrific on this journey and merely a change in the way I look at what I am putting in my mouth. I know only, with God's strength, can get me where I am going. I know I will continue to trust this journey.
I have turned my eating habits completely around in the last six months. I have only eaten fast food one time, other than Subway which I don't count as fast food, and that was due to circumstance and not an option that I sought out to eat. I have not had a package of cookies, bag of chips or candy in my home that I knew I could not avoid. And to be honest I have not missed those things. I have realized that if I want a cookie I can have one, I will just buy a single serving pack and eat what I am craving and not binge on them like I once did. With that said, I haven't even done that or really wanted to. I take that back. There have been moments of stress where if I were somewhere with complete access to any food I would have eaten my weight in certain foods, but if I allow time and distance to let those cravings pass now, they do. This time everything has been different for me and I am thankful. I have not had cravings like I have always had every other time I have tried to lose weight. I have not craved sugar, chocolate or french fries to the point that I have driven to the store or restaurant at midnight to purchase them.
As I have said before in this blog, I have placed this journey in God's hands. I have taken this one day at a time and have prayed for His strength every day to get me through. I will continue to do so in the knowledge that He will not place on me anything more than He knows I can handle. Even though I know that, I am so frustrated in the fact that I was especially disciplined this week and have made the efforts that I knew were necessary on my part and the weight just seems to want to stay with me for old times sake.
Let me give you a little background. I was out of town last week and I expected a slight gain because I knew I had not stayed on program like I should. Went in last week and gained 1.8. I was ok with that. I deserved it, I expected it, and I owned it. I immediately regained control and went right back on program counting points. This last week I was perfect. There were even 3 days that I did not even eat all of my points, which I was told I could do by my leader at WW if I wasn't hungry at the end of the day. Went to weigh in today and lost .8. How can I eat a little out of control, but not completely and utterly obscenely out of control, for 3 days and gain 1.8 then turn around and be perfect for 7 and eat only healthy and within points but only lose .8? Herein lies my frustration.
After pitching somewhat of a fit today and wallowing in my frustration, these are the things I know...I know I will get to my goal weight one day (may be years but I will get there) as long as I keep doing what I am doing and do not stop. I know that God will continue to give me the strength to continue on this journey as long as I ask for His strength. I know that there will be bumps in the road, because just like life, this too will not be perfect. I know that like all things worth having I will have to work for it and it will most likely have some struggle involved. I know the reward will far out weigh the sacrific. I know that what I call sacrific has truly not even been sacrific on this journey and merely a change in the way I look at what I am putting in my mouth. I know only, with God's strength, can get me where I am going. I know I will continue to trust this journey.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Retooling...
Another short road trip has passed and here I find myself back at home assessing what all we did and saw. This trip was more about relaxation than doing actual activities, much to the shagrin of my friend's children I think. Most of Sunday was spent in the car riding through the Great Smokey Mountain National Park enjoying the beauty that God has placed on this planet for us to enjoy. I don't think that an 8 year old, or even a 12 year old for that matter, can quite enjoy it like a 41 year old can. But enjoy it we did, and how we were rewarded for our patience.
During our travels on Sunday we saw the most beautiful rhododendron in their last stages of bloom. Rhododendron larger than any I have ever seen growing wild on the sides of the mountains. They are so thick it looked like there was snow on the mountains in June. I was in awe of the beauty simply placed there in wild growth when I can't even grow that bush on purpose in my yard. We drove on into an area called Cades Cove which is now a wild life preserve of sorts. Many years ago people lived here in a loosely populated community and there are still churches there to this date that are in use. Now it is the most visited area in the park with it's 8 mile loop that you drive as you search for wild life. Deer are always present, but on some days you get the pleasure of seeing bears. This day we were abundantly blessed. As we started the loop, the horses that are used in the riding stables had just been released and were all galloping to the area further down the road where they know they would be petted and fed treats by the visitors. They love peppermints, which we made sure we brought with us, and will stand there and chomp on them as long as you hand them out. We fed them until we eventually ran out of candy and got back in the car to meander a little further down to see what else the park had in store. We were not disappointed when we saw a momma bear and her 2 cubs in a field. The cubs were so small you could only see them when they would jump up out of the tall grass while playing. We saw, well actually heard running through the woods before we saw it, a large buck. It came within feet of our car and stopped to stare and a young man walking down the road when he startled him. There were deer everywhere, some within feet of our car. Because of all the wild life the traveling was extremely slow and at times we were stopped for an extended time so we were getting out of the park at dark. As we were making the last leg of the loop Machelle's son said that he thought he saw something moving to our left. After letting our eyes adjust to the light we realized there was a bear just feet from us. He was so close that eventually he was right outside my door and we thought he was going to walk in front of my car. How amazing! To see the beauty and wonders that God puts on this earth right there at our fingertips.
After spending longer than expected and seeing more than I ever have on one trip in the park we were much later than expected getting back into Gatlinburg. We had planned to play putt-putt that evening but now would not be able to like we promised my friend's kids. This threw me into a control freak tailspin. I like things ordered. I always have and probably always will. I like to get up on the travel home day, eat and get on the road. I guess I have way too much of my father in me. But because we could not get the putt-putt in on Sunday night like expected we were now going to have to do it the next morning before we could get on the road. This one small change in my plans stripped from my view all the beautiful things I had seen and enjoyed and replaced it only with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. How would I get home in time to get all my errands done before work the next day? I would be worn out. I can't even remember all the thoughts running through my head.
I got back to the room and began thinking about the weekend. I was thinking about where my head was right then and the whole weekend in general. I realized that I needed a little retooling. I had had a feeling nagging me for the couple of days I had been away from home, but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt out of sorts with no real reason that I could put my finger on. Not in a bad way, but just like there was something wrong but not so wrong that I needed to do something about it. While sitting in a chair and thinking to myself I realized what my problem was. I was so out of my element food wise that it was causing me a little bit of unease. I was feeling out of control. I know that control can be a bad thing, but control can also be a good thing. I have been eating so much healtier for the last 6 months that it has become habit without me really knowing it. I don't think twice about what I eat anymore, I just typically reach for the healthier option. I have healthy options in my fridge and never eat fast food anymore. But, through no fault but my own I slipped right back into old habits and it made me uneasy and out of sorts without me fully understanding what I was doing to myself. I had decided I was going to have chocolate chip pancakes even if they made me sick. I had them (they did not make me sick) and ate almost the whole plate of them. I ate what I wanted, or what my default brain thought I wanted, when I wanted with no regard to hunger or health. I felt completely out of control and that made me feel uneasy and out of sorts and ungrounded. I realized sitting in that chair that I did not like that feeling any longer. I have felt that way too long and the fact that even feeling it for a moment scares the hell out of me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. What I choose for my life is what I choose. I tried the very next morning to make the best choices I could at breakfast (which is what I wanted to the very soul of who I am and where I want to be and I felt better). I went to putt-putt and let my control over that part of my life go and enjoyed my time there. I did not have a perfect day with my eating. The snacks were still way to close at hand and I still dove in them with reckless abandon and felt that same out of control creeping back in. But, by the time I got back home with the safety of my ability to choose correctly has helped me get my equilibrium back. I can't go back and change anything about this weekend, nor would I want to. I enjoyed myself and had a wonderful time. But hopefully with a little more retooling of my mind, body and spirit I won't loose so much control next time and I won't feel as lost as I did for that short period of time on this trip.
This has been a learning curve for me and hopefully a little retooling of how I look at food in just one more small way. It is not my enemy, in fact it can be my greatest assest if I do not allow it to have power over me any longer. Thank you Lord for a wonderful, relaxing weekend getaway and allowing me to learn a lesson along the way.
During our travels on Sunday we saw the most beautiful rhododendron in their last stages of bloom. Rhododendron larger than any I have ever seen growing wild on the sides of the mountains. They are so thick it looked like there was snow on the mountains in June. I was in awe of the beauty simply placed there in wild growth when I can't even grow that bush on purpose in my yard. We drove on into an area called Cades Cove which is now a wild life preserve of sorts. Many years ago people lived here in a loosely populated community and there are still churches there to this date that are in use. Now it is the most visited area in the park with it's 8 mile loop that you drive as you search for wild life. Deer are always present, but on some days you get the pleasure of seeing bears. This day we were abundantly blessed. As we started the loop, the horses that are used in the riding stables had just been released and were all galloping to the area further down the road where they know they would be petted and fed treats by the visitors. They love peppermints, which we made sure we brought with us, and will stand there and chomp on them as long as you hand them out. We fed them until we eventually ran out of candy and got back in the car to meander a little further down to see what else the park had in store. We were not disappointed when we saw a momma bear and her 2 cubs in a field. The cubs were so small you could only see them when they would jump up out of the tall grass while playing. We saw, well actually heard running through the woods before we saw it, a large buck. It came within feet of our car and stopped to stare and a young man walking down the road when he startled him. There were deer everywhere, some within feet of our car. Because of all the wild life the traveling was extremely slow and at times we were stopped for an extended time so we were getting out of the park at dark. As we were making the last leg of the loop Machelle's son said that he thought he saw something moving to our left. After letting our eyes adjust to the light we realized there was a bear just feet from us. He was so close that eventually he was right outside my door and we thought he was going to walk in front of my car. How amazing! To see the beauty and wonders that God puts on this earth right there at our fingertips.
After spending longer than expected and seeing more than I ever have on one trip in the park we were much later than expected getting back into Gatlinburg. We had planned to play putt-putt that evening but now would not be able to like we promised my friend's kids. This threw me into a control freak tailspin. I like things ordered. I always have and probably always will. I like to get up on the travel home day, eat and get on the road. I guess I have way too much of my father in me. But because we could not get the putt-putt in on Sunday night like expected we were now going to have to do it the next morning before we could get on the road. This one small change in my plans stripped from my view all the beautiful things I had seen and enjoyed and replaced it only with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. How would I get home in time to get all my errands done before work the next day? I would be worn out. I can't even remember all the thoughts running through my head.
I got back to the room and began thinking about the weekend. I was thinking about where my head was right then and the whole weekend in general. I realized that I needed a little retooling. I had had a feeling nagging me for the couple of days I had been away from home, but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt out of sorts with no real reason that I could put my finger on. Not in a bad way, but just like there was something wrong but not so wrong that I needed to do something about it. While sitting in a chair and thinking to myself I realized what my problem was. I was so out of my element food wise that it was causing me a little bit of unease. I was feeling out of control. I know that control can be a bad thing, but control can also be a good thing. I have been eating so much healtier for the last 6 months that it has become habit without me really knowing it. I don't think twice about what I eat anymore, I just typically reach for the healthier option. I have healthy options in my fridge and never eat fast food anymore. But, through no fault but my own I slipped right back into old habits and it made me uneasy and out of sorts without me fully understanding what I was doing to myself. I had decided I was going to have chocolate chip pancakes even if they made me sick. I had them (they did not make me sick) and ate almost the whole plate of them. I ate what I wanted, or what my default brain thought I wanted, when I wanted with no regard to hunger or health. I felt completely out of control and that made me feel uneasy and out of sorts and ungrounded. I realized sitting in that chair that I did not like that feeling any longer. I have felt that way too long and the fact that even feeling it for a moment scares the hell out of me.
I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. What I choose for my life is what I choose. I tried the very next morning to make the best choices I could at breakfast (which is what I wanted to the very soul of who I am and where I want to be and I felt better). I went to putt-putt and let my control over that part of my life go and enjoyed my time there. I did not have a perfect day with my eating. The snacks were still way to close at hand and I still dove in them with reckless abandon and felt that same out of control creeping back in. But, by the time I got back home with the safety of my ability to choose correctly has helped me get my equilibrium back. I can't go back and change anything about this weekend, nor would I want to. I enjoyed myself and had a wonderful time. But hopefully with a little more retooling of my mind, body and spirit I won't loose so much control next time and I won't feel as lost as I did for that short period of time on this trip.
This has been a learning curve for me and hopefully a little retooling of how I look at food in just one more small way. It is not my enemy, in fact it can be my greatest assest if I do not allow it to have power over me any longer. Thank you Lord for a wonderful, relaxing weekend getaway and allowing me to learn a lesson along the way.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Direction of my dreams...
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live your dreams. Live the life you've imagined. -- Henry David Thoreau
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
I saw this quote some time ago and wrote it down immediately. It hit me so hard that it nearly took my breath. At first I thought yeah, that is what I am talking about. The more I thought about what it truly meant I realized I had no clue. Dreams? What dreams? I am morbidly obese, am I allowed to have dreams? And if I have any buried deep down inside do I dare take the steps to pull them out and try to pursue them? I have never accomplished any real goal I have set with my weight loss in the past, why do I think I will make it this time? In floods my self-doubt.
I know that may sound stupid to some of you, but these are some of the things that have gone through my head from time to time. I have spent my whole life fat. I have been overlooked and disregarded in so many ways that I think in many cases because I did not fit a particular image that I did not think that I mattered. So, I am not certain that I really took stock in dreams. I am not certain that I have ever had any grand dreams, or regular dreams for that matter, for my future and where I want to be or what I want to do. I am not certain that I ever thought I deserved them. Try that hat on for size for just a moment. How can you live your dreams if you don't really have any? How can you live the life you imagined if you have been told by society that you don't really matter all of your life? That you aren't quite as valuable as the beautiful people who live around you.
I have never been thin. You always hear people trying to motivate you by saying picture yourself thin. I can't. I have seen pictures of me thin when I was 3 years old, but that was the last time. Since that age I have been "heavy". I have no clue what I would look like if not fat. I can't even get a mental picture in my head. I know we make up our own dreams, but I have a hard time when it has been so ingrained in me that I will always look the way I do now because I always have.
Now don't get me wrong, I have not given up on my journey, quite the opposite. I think I am learning more about myself through this process than I realized I would when I started this blog. I have always regarded myself as very confident, and I am, but did not realize how deep the scares I carry truly run. I want a dream. I want to follow a dream. And I guess I am in the fact that I am following my journey faithfully (as much as I can as a sinful mere mortal human, who has to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, can) with God to lose this weight this time and never put it back on. I will one day know what I look like healthy and not morbidly obese. It will take me years, but one day I will get there. I have no clue where this journey will take me or what scars, revelations or insights this journey will uncover, but I will get there. The other dreams that I am certain lie dormant within me may surface as I get my feet under me and I learn to be who I am truly supposed to be as I continue on this eye opening journey. Not all of it is fun, and losing the weight is hard work, but it will all be worth it to be the person God intended me to be when I get to the end. I just have to trust my journey to get me there.
Monday, May 28, 2012
How? Why?
I have realized this weekend that I have not learned enough at Weight Watchers yet to be allowed out on my own. If I were going to an AA meeting I would be starting over at day of my sobriety. I am not making light of where I am in my journey, just sharing an observation. I have been soaring along with my weight loss without a care in the world until I have finally fall on my face. And I didn't just stumble, I have fallen hard. Everything has been ticking for me. I have gotten almost 40 pounds off and doing a great job. Then the last few weeks happened.
I don't know why or how I have gotten to where I am. I decided last week that I was starting back over with the basics. After a week of being out of control and knowing that I was going to gain I was able to get back in control on lose 1 pound over 2 weeks time. Just as I was getting my eating and more importantly my head in the right place along came a trip out of town. I have been out of town prior to this trip and was able to hold it together, able to make smart healthy decisions. Why this trip was my downfall I have no idea. It was as if I was not trying to watch or control anything about my eating. It was as if there was no WW in my life and it was just the good ole days of over indulgence and the choice of anything and everything on the menu without concequences to my health.
How is it that for 20 weeks I can do so well and have my head in the game and then so quickly toss it out as if it never existed? Why would I allow that to happen?
I owe this healthier way of life to myself. Tomorrow is a new day. I cannot change what I have done. I cannot change the fact that I am sure I will gain this week and temporarily ruin my chances at my 40 pound star. The only thing I can change is what I put in my mouth from this moment forward. I also owe it to my WW buddy at work to get my head out of my butt and find my motivation no matter where it might be trying to hide. We have made a pact with one another to get each other through this. We have to be the strength for one another to make this work.
I shall not beat myself up. I will pick up the pieces and move forward. I know what it takes to make this way of life work. This does work and it will be what I have to do for the rest of my life. I like the fact that my clothes that have not fit in years are now fitting. I like the fact that I am having to buy new clothes because everything I own is getting too small. And I really like the fact that I know deep down that every decision I make to not eat french fries or choclate cake just because they are there is another day that I will add onto my life span.
I pray that God will give me the strength tomorrow to get me through the day. Just one day at a time. I have to remember to Trust the Journey. That is what has gotten me this far and that is what will get me the rest of the way to my healthier life.
I don't know why or how I have gotten to where I am. I decided last week that I was starting back over with the basics. After a week of being out of control and knowing that I was going to gain I was able to get back in control on lose 1 pound over 2 weeks time. Just as I was getting my eating and more importantly my head in the right place along came a trip out of town. I have been out of town prior to this trip and was able to hold it together, able to make smart healthy decisions. Why this trip was my downfall I have no idea. It was as if I was not trying to watch or control anything about my eating. It was as if there was no WW in my life and it was just the good ole days of over indulgence and the choice of anything and everything on the menu without concequences to my health.
How is it that for 20 weeks I can do so well and have my head in the game and then so quickly toss it out as if it never existed? Why would I allow that to happen?
I owe this healthier way of life to myself. Tomorrow is a new day. I cannot change what I have done. I cannot change the fact that I am sure I will gain this week and temporarily ruin my chances at my 40 pound star. The only thing I can change is what I put in my mouth from this moment forward. I also owe it to my WW buddy at work to get my head out of my butt and find my motivation no matter where it might be trying to hide. We have made a pact with one another to get each other through this. We have to be the strength for one another to make this work.
I shall not beat myself up. I will pick up the pieces and move forward. I know what it takes to make this way of life work. This does work and it will be what I have to do for the rest of my life. I like the fact that my clothes that have not fit in years are now fitting. I like the fact that I am having to buy new clothes because everything I own is getting too small. And I really like the fact that I know deep down that every decision I make to not eat french fries or choclate cake just because they are there is another day that I will add onto my life span.
I pray that God will give me the strength tomorrow to get me through the day. Just one day at a time. I have to remember to Trust the Journey. That is what has gotten me this far and that is what will get me the rest of the way to my healthier life.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Are you dancing?
I was reading a post a friend of mine put on her facebook yesterday and it got me to thinking. She was talking about singing out loud the last verse of a song that she was listening to while she ran on the treadmill at the gym. She closed with a statement that I really liked...
"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back."
How true that is. How many of us allow the devil to ride around on our backs? He climbs on mine from time to time and whispers in my ear telling me to eat things that I know I do not want or need. Or maybe he tells me to say or do something that I know is not nice or could possibly hurt someone else's feelings. So many times I have allowed the devil to whisper little lies in my ear while I carried his weight around on my back, and man is he heavy. Why do I allow it? This journey is showing me that I don't ever have to do that again. I did not realize that was what I was doing, in those terms, until I read her statement, but it IS what I am doing.
My journey with my eating has been as much about learning to listen to God and seek God as it has been about the weight loss. I have said it and said it, and I am going to say it again. I would not have come this far without His strength. Let me give you a little glimpse into just what I mean.
This past weekend I let my focus slip for just a little while. I usually get up every morning and ask God for His strength to get me through the day. Please give me the strength I need to stay on program and walk the path You want me to walk. Then again at night I thank Him for that strength and ask for the strength I will need tomorrow. I stop at times throughout the day to pray along the way as well. I have mentioned that I have taken the attitude of an alcoholic. God is my higher power and WW meetings are my AA meetings. Hey, it works for me when nothing else ever has. Well this weekend I did not pray. Don't know why, just got busy and distracted and the devil hopped on my back. I began eating and it really did not matter what I put in my mouth. I realized how out of control I was when I was sitting on my couch Saturday night with a box of granola turning it up and pouring it into my mouth. No bowl, no milk, no spoon, just pouring the granola straight into my mouth and eating it until it was all gone. Could not stop. This eating with wild abandon continued until I came back to work to face my Weight Watchers buddy and confessed all my sins to her and got back into control.
How did he (the devil) get there? I looked away from God for just a minute. That little window of opportunity is all he needed. That little loss of focus to distract me was enough. But I am back. I am praying and focused again and God is good. He took me right back as if I never turned away from Him. He flicked the devil off my shoulder and wrapped His arms around me and turned my head back toward my goal. I am back to my praying and texting my WW buddy to stay focused once again. I know it won't be my only or last slip. But as God reveals what is truly going on it makes it a little easier to jump back in line.
And don't think God doesn't have a good sense of humor at the same time. I went to my weigh in on Wednesday at noon as I always do. I walk up to the counter and tell Stephanie (the leader), I am going to gain this week. I did it, I own it, I deserve it, no tears, no fits and that is just the way it is. I step up and expect to hear anywere from 3 to 5 pounds. She looks at me and just laughs and writes the numbers down. I actually lost a pound through it all. Thank you God. You thought me a lesson and through it all you still helped me lose a pound. Believe me, I am dancing and I am not going to stop!!
"I removed the burden from their shoulders" Psalms 81:6
"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back."
How true that is. How many of us allow the devil to ride around on our backs? He climbs on mine from time to time and whispers in my ear telling me to eat things that I know I do not want or need. Or maybe he tells me to say or do something that I know is not nice or could possibly hurt someone else's feelings. So many times I have allowed the devil to whisper little lies in my ear while I carried his weight around on my back, and man is he heavy. Why do I allow it? This journey is showing me that I don't ever have to do that again. I did not realize that was what I was doing, in those terms, until I read her statement, but it IS what I am doing.
My journey with my eating has been as much about learning to listen to God and seek God as it has been about the weight loss. I have said it and said it, and I am going to say it again. I would not have come this far without His strength. Let me give you a little glimpse into just what I mean.
This past weekend I let my focus slip for just a little while. I usually get up every morning and ask God for His strength to get me through the day. Please give me the strength I need to stay on program and walk the path You want me to walk. Then again at night I thank Him for that strength and ask for the strength I will need tomorrow. I stop at times throughout the day to pray along the way as well. I have mentioned that I have taken the attitude of an alcoholic. God is my higher power and WW meetings are my AA meetings. Hey, it works for me when nothing else ever has. Well this weekend I did not pray. Don't know why, just got busy and distracted and the devil hopped on my back. I began eating and it really did not matter what I put in my mouth. I realized how out of control I was when I was sitting on my couch Saturday night with a box of granola turning it up and pouring it into my mouth. No bowl, no milk, no spoon, just pouring the granola straight into my mouth and eating it until it was all gone. Could not stop. This eating with wild abandon continued until I came back to work to face my Weight Watchers buddy and confessed all my sins to her and got back into control.
How did he (the devil) get there? I looked away from God for just a minute. That little window of opportunity is all he needed. That little loss of focus to distract me was enough. But I am back. I am praying and focused again and God is good. He took me right back as if I never turned away from Him. He flicked the devil off my shoulder and wrapped His arms around me and turned my head back toward my goal. I am back to my praying and texting my WW buddy to stay focused once again. I know it won't be my only or last slip. But as God reveals what is truly going on it makes it a little easier to jump back in line.
And don't think God doesn't have a good sense of humor at the same time. I went to my weigh in on Wednesday at noon as I always do. I walk up to the counter and tell Stephanie (the leader), I am going to gain this week. I did it, I own it, I deserve it, no tears, no fits and that is just the way it is. I step up and expect to hear anywere from 3 to 5 pounds. She looks at me and just laughs and writes the numbers down. I actually lost a pound through it all. Thank you God. You thought me a lesson and through it all you still helped me lose a pound. Believe me, I am dancing and I am not going to stop!!
"I removed the burden from their shoulders" Psalms 81:6
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