My soul is unsettled. I don't know if it is better to realize this or to live in the oblivion I have been living in. For years I have had this feeling that I just could not explain to anyone, I have tried on numerous occasions, but it just doesn't quite translate. But as best I can explain is that I feel like there is something I am missing. Like there is somewhere I am supposed to be, something I am supposed to be doing. I feel anxious and can't remain completely still. Looking back over all the years I have felt this I now wonder if that was God trying to nudge me and I just could not hear Him. I don't know.
Driving home from church today I was in a traffic jam. Of course with me in the car it can't be just your average traffic jam. After our sermon today about Thanksgiving and gratitude I made sure to check my attitude and not get anxious or upset that we were sitting completely still just 10 feet past where I could have gotten off if I had noticed the traffic. And no, I did not attempt to back down the on ramp like I saw a few others try. I might have thought about it, but I refer you back to checking my attitude. I was doing my best to be thankful for everything I could about my car, the good roads, the $2.87 a gallon gas that I just purchased, the fact that the gas was readily available, the fact that the traffic jam in front of the station caused by a small brush fire cleared before I left, the free fountain drink that the station was giving away. I was running through every item about my car and my travel that I could so that I could sit there and have a grateful attitude. Being the multi-tasker I am I also made sure to put a message on Facebook to let everyone know that they needed to avoid this section on the interstate because they did not want to get into the same jam I was in not knowing their level of thanksgiving and gratitude. Oh, and while doing all of this, with my windows down on what turned out to be a gorgeous Sunday (of which I was also thankful) a bee flew in my car. So now I was stopped on the interstate, texting, facebooking, being thankful for numerous thing, but now having to figure out how to get the bee out of my car. Thankfully the bee found it's way out and I did not have to make anyone think I had lost my mind. The traffic finally began to move and I noticed that there was a wreck on the other side of the road stopping traffic on that side as well. Man this must be a big wreck to span two sides of an 8 lane interstate and the rather large median between. As I draw closer to the area where the commotion was happening I realize why the traffic has been stopped and what has caused the wreck on the other side. There were 5 or 6 grown men wrangling a bull in the median. I assume that he started out in traffic hence the stoppage and the wreck on the other side was surely caused by people looking at a fairly uncommon site. It is not every day you see a very large bull being roped on the interstate. And this bull was not happy. They had a rope around his neck and all My the men involved were doing all that they could to keep him under control. He was swinging his head from side to side and slinging snot and foam all over the place. Anyone who knows anything about cattle, by the time he gets to that state he is out of control and I am not sure how any of them were going to get him back in his trailer.
Of course I laughed about this, texted, and facebooked my friends and proceeded on home. But that bull got me to thinking. There have been times when I have felt a lot like that bull. I did not realize it until I saw that display of anger, desperation and I am certain a fair amount of fear in that animal that he and I are a lot alike. God has been working out some marvelous things in me lately. Some of them have been beautiful and eye opening while some of it is ugly, shameful and even frightening. But He is working on setting me free just the same. I feel like I have been cooped up in a cage much like that bull and I have recently been set free. I have gone through a lot and have a long way to go, but free is how I feel for the first time in a long time. But God is setting my feet to a path and I don't have a clue where it is going on what I will find at the end, but I pray that I will always say yes to His requests to continue on it. I have gotten some push back from people and circumstances around me just like he was getting from those men with the rope. But none of the push back is as strong as the desire that God has put in me just like that bull's desire not to be man handled back in that trailer.
This got me to thinking about the disciples and the fact that they left the path upon which they were walking to embark down another path. They were successful men but yet they dropped what they were doing because something in their spirit called to them and told them that they needed to move. It reminded me of a devotional I had just read earlier today about the path we are on and the one we should be on. In it the author talks about the kind of life we lead..."There are two kind of life: The first is ordinary or the expected. It is planned by someone other than you and mostly unfulfilling. The second is extra-ordinary or beyond expectations. It is finding the life which was created for you. God has provided all of us with the possibility of an exciting and fulfilling life. A life He breathes on and causes to become everything we could hope for. He wants you and me to live a satisfying life!"
I know that the person I am becoming, the person God is molding me to be, the character and personality that He is nurturing in me won't make everyone happy. I am sure that there are going to be people who I have known a long time who don't recognize who I am becoming and some will even make fun of me. But I now know that my soul has been unsettled for quite a long time and finally I think I am getting some answers as to why. Hopefully soon I will get signs as to what He has in mind for me. I pray that I will have the courage that the disciples did and walk the path that He has created for me when the time comes to choose that path. And I pray that those who love me will understand that who I am becoming is a better version of me than the person that I was.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Oh no...the holidays
I have learned a lot the 10 months that I have been traveling on this journey. Lately it has been more of a spiritual awakening and look into the inner workings of who I am and less of weight loss. To be honest, the inner workings of who I am have actually caused me to gain 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. But that is merely a bump in my road and a time of growth that will allow me to be a better person down the road and more equipped to keep the weight off once I get to that point. I knew this was going to be a long journey and I need to have patience and let God do the work in me that He is doing to get me there.
This time of year has become a sad, lonely and difficult time of year for me. For those of you who do not know me well, my mother died near Christmas 2 years ago. However, from the middle of November until she died on December 16th she was very sick. So starting in November until after the first of the year she is what I think about most of the day and night. Her death and trying to finally come to terms with it (even though I still haven't completely and don't know if that is possible) last year is what turned me to Weight Watchers in the first place. After me and my husband spent time alone in Charleston, SC for our Christmas last year I had come to the realization that I had to get the weight off. I had to increase my chances to live a long and healthy life. I had to really make an effort to change who I am.
Last year I could not bear the thought of decorating my house, playing Christmas music or buying presents without her being a part of the festivities. I am still not there and don't know how I am going to get there. We always spent the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve cooking together for the whole family. It had become our tradition. Me and my mother were as close and mother and daughter could be. Now, Thanksgiving reminds me of the last meal we had with her for that holiday when she was so sick from her cancer that I had to sit in her room with her away from the food because just the smell of it made her even sicker. I had to buy the meal and not cook it because I was too busy caring for her and had no time to cook and could not have cooked it in her house if I wanted to. Just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner now makes me remember that last time in her house. It was the last time our whole family was in the house together in one place. She went into the hospital on November 30th and died in there on December 16th. I wanted to crawl in my bed that year and not come out until I had to go back to work after the first of the year. I want to do the same right now.
Which is why this time of year I have a lot of sadness and depression that I don't know how to deal with. I can cry at the drop of a hat and do too frequently. I am certain that the people at work are going to ask me sometime soon if I need psychological help because I disappear and come back with my eyes and face red where I start crying and can't help it. I don't know how to "get over" the sadness.
I went to a conference recently where we talked about "dropping our stones" and getting all the ugly out of our lives because we should not carry this baggage around with us. This "stuff" that we carry around that stinks and makes our lives unbearable, or makes us unbearable to those around us is stuff we need to get rid of. But how do I get rid of my pain without getting rid of the memories? If I drop this stone and drop the sadness and depression that go along with it then I am afraid that I drop the small amount of joy that is attached to it. I am afraid that I drop the memories with it. My memories and pain are so intertwined I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I pray for some sort of guidance that will show me a way to do so. I have plenty of memories that give me great joy and make me smile every day about my mother but at this time of year the painful one creep in as well. Anyone who has had a person that they loved dearly die of cancer they know what I am talking about. It has changed me to a depth beyond what I think I could ever explain to anyone. Everyday there are times when I still want to call her, want to show her something that she would love to see, share a song she would like, and don't even get me started every time I go into a Starbucks. Just entering a Starbucks makes me think of her. But this time of year, with those memories comes pain and sadness and I don't know how to shake it.
"I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving." Psalms 69:29-30
With all of these emotions rolling through me like tidal waves I have learned that I am an emotional eater. I never knew I was, never thought I was. But trust me, I have learned that fact without a doubt. Stress and emotion will send me to something sweet, salty, crunch, gooey, food of any kind to fix what is wrong. My rational mind knows that food won't fix it, but there is still that ingrained part of me that I want to change so badly that does not understand that.
I have been doing a bible study about something completely different from this and the question that was asked at one point is what are you putting on your throne? Every morning I pray to God that He is the only thing I put on my throne, but what am I putting there? Memories? Food? Fulfillment? Happiness? Do I even know? Am I being honest enough with myself to find out so that I can change?
"You shall have no Gods before me." Exodus 20:3
This time of year has become a sad, lonely and difficult time of year for me. For those of you who do not know me well, my mother died near Christmas 2 years ago. However, from the middle of November until she died on December 16th she was very sick. So starting in November until after the first of the year she is what I think about most of the day and night. Her death and trying to finally come to terms with it (even though I still haven't completely and don't know if that is possible) last year is what turned me to Weight Watchers in the first place. After me and my husband spent time alone in Charleston, SC for our Christmas last year I had come to the realization that I had to get the weight off. I had to increase my chances to live a long and healthy life. I had to really make an effort to change who I am.
Last year I could not bear the thought of decorating my house, playing Christmas music or buying presents without her being a part of the festivities. I am still not there and don't know how I am going to get there. We always spent the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the day before Christmas Eve cooking together for the whole family. It had become our tradition. Me and my mother were as close and mother and daughter could be. Now, Thanksgiving reminds me of the last meal we had with her for that holiday when she was so sick from her cancer that I had to sit in her room with her away from the food because just the smell of it made her even sicker. I had to buy the meal and not cook it because I was too busy caring for her and had no time to cook and could not have cooked it in her house if I wanted to. Just sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner now makes me remember that last time in her house. It was the last time our whole family was in the house together in one place. She went into the hospital on November 30th and died in there on December 16th. I wanted to crawl in my bed that year and not come out until I had to go back to work after the first of the year. I want to do the same right now.
Which is why this time of year I have a lot of sadness and depression that I don't know how to deal with. I can cry at the drop of a hat and do too frequently. I am certain that the people at work are going to ask me sometime soon if I need psychological help because I disappear and come back with my eyes and face red where I start crying and can't help it. I don't know how to "get over" the sadness.
I went to a conference recently where we talked about "dropping our stones" and getting all the ugly out of our lives because we should not carry this baggage around with us. This "stuff" that we carry around that stinks and makes our lives unbearable, or makes us unbearable to those around us is stuff we need to get rid of. But how do I get rid of my pain without getting rid of the memories? If I drop this stone and drop the sadness and depression that go along with it then I am afraid that I drop the small amount of joy that is attached to it. I am afraid that I drop the memories with it. My memories and pain are so intertwined I don't know where one ends and the other begins. I pray for some sort of guidance that will show me a way to do so. I have plenty of memories that give me great joy and make me smile every day about my mother but at this time of year the painful one creep in as well. Anyone who has had a person that they loved dearly die of cancer they know what I am talking about. It has changed me to a depth beyond what I think I could ever explain to anyone. Everyday there are times when I still want to call her, want to show her something that she would love to see, share a song she would like, and don't even get me started every time I go into a Starbucks. Just entering a Starbucks makes me think of her. But this time of year, with those memories comes pain and sadness and I don't know how to shake it.
"I am suffering and in pain. Rescue me, O God, by your saving power. Then I will praise God's name with singing, and I will honor him with thanksgiving." Psalms 69:29-30
With all of these emotions rolling through me like tidal waves I have learned that I am an emotional eater. I never knew I was, never thought I was. But trust me, I have learned that fact without a doubt. Stress and emotion will send me to something sweet, salty, crunch, gooey, food of any kind to fix what is wrong. My rational mind knows that food won't fix it, but there is still that ingrained part of me that I want to change so badly that does not understand that.
I have been doing a bible study about something completely different from this and the question that was asked at one point is what are you putting on your throne? Every morning I pray to God that He is the only thing I put on my throne, but what am I putting there? Memories? Food? Fulfillment? Happiness? Do I even know? Am I being honest enough with myself to find out so that I can change?
"You shall have no Gods before me." Exodus 20:3
Monday, November 12, 2012
Rock Bottom
I now know what addicts say when they finally hit rock bottom. I hit my rock bottom this morning. I have been out of control, out of touch and unresponsive. As I told my friend, it has been like static playing in my head and I could not get thoughts out or even make them coherent to blog for some time. I am not sure where it started or how I got in the shape I was in. Me and my WW anchor used to text everyday about what we were eating and how we were doing and that too has silenced. I may have caused that or she too is sitting where I am. But as it has been said, when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go. For me, there was only one way to look and He has pulled me up
I got on the scale this morning knowing that I was not going to like what I would see. I knew that I had not been diligent about what I had been eating. I had been lying to myself. I had not cared at all and had been putting anything I wanted in my mouth at anytime I wanted it. The scale does not lie. I am up 9 pounds in the last 3 weeks. That will wake you up. It was like a cold slap in my face, a slap that I needed.
As I stood in the shower trying to figure out where this started, where did I go wrong, what caused this to happen, I realized that did not matter. I needed to go back to what got me through this journey when I was on top. What gave me the strength before to do what I know I had never been able to do any time I had tried to change my eating habits and get healthy before, God. I realized I used to pray every night thanking Him for getting me through the day and then every morning asking for His strength to get me through the day. When did that stop? Why did that stop? I knew that is what needed to happen right then and it could not wait until I was out of the shower. So I started praying in the shower. I started having a conversation with God asking Him to help me once again.
Let me interject something here. Yesterday at church Pastor Allen was preaching on "What Do You Know". He gave us verses about I Know and then gave us 30 truths for us to remember about God and to share with our friends. One thing I know about God that I don't think was on that list is that He always wants the best for us. No matter what we do or how far we stray, He always wants the best for us. He will leave 99 of His lambs to go after the 1 that is lost. Now I know that we can stray and turn our backs too often and eventually I am sure He will wash His hands. But He wants the best for us. And I know He wants me to be healthy which is why I am doing what I am doing. Let's be honest, at 41 I am not doing this to get into a bikini or find me a handsome guy, I already have a husband that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I am doing this to reduce my risk of cancer and heart disease and hopefully live a little longer. All of these things I feel certain He can get on board with and wants for me too. One of the verses Pastor Allen shared with us, though spoke to me and I had to go back and find it after this morning...
"I Know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2
God visited me in that shower this morning. I guess he waited until I was at rock bottom, and my most vulnerable, naked, crying and alone. I was praying to Him that He please help me get back on my path. Help me find my way back to where I was when I was eating a healthy diet and following the healthy lifestyle I was on and it was becoming second nature to me. I was literally begging for His help. I was begging that he remove the yoke of slavery that he had removed from me and that I had placed back on my neck when I heard a whisper in my head as clear as if He were standing there with me, "Satan has had hold of you" and as soon as I heard this I felt a weight being lift from my shoulders. I did not realize I had been stooped over standing there but I had. I was able to stand up straight and for once, without being aware of it and take in a full breath easily. I cannot describe to you the freedom I felt in that moment. The pure joy that I felt. The clarity I felt to my very soul in where I stand and what has been going on within me for the past 3 weeks and let me tell you that is a feeling I wish everyone could feel. I wept openly thanking God for answering me in that bathroom for a good while, and it felt good. I know that might sound crazy to some people, but so be it. As Pastor Allen say, this is one of the things I know. And I also now know that I no longer sit at rock bottom. God has lifted the yoke of slavery from me yet again and has restored me back on my path. Will I stumble? Yes because I am human. But He will be there to hear my pleas for help and right my path once again.
It might be raining and cold, but for me, today is a beautiful day.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 NIV)
Friday, November 9, 2012
Freedom - reminder to be thankful.
Do we really realize on a daily basis the freedoms that we are allowed? Do we take advantage of the freedoms that we, as Americans, are given to live our lives in pretty much any way we want? Do we realize that those freedoms also extend to our relationship with God and that there are people and countries that don't have the freedom that we have and we and take for granted?
I was trying to catch up on my reading today at lunch, because once again I am behind, and spent a good deal of time reading through Exodus in my bible. We all know the story of Exodus mostly thanks to Charlton Heston and his performance in the 10 Commandments. But have you ever spent time actually reading the book, studying the story as it is written? I was reading about God speaking to Moses while he is up on the mountain giving him all the rules on how the arc of the covenant is to be built, how the curtains are to be woven and sown and to what dimensions and then how they are to be attached, how every piece of wood is to be cut and with what metal it is to be covered, how every garment is to be made and which are to have stones on them and how they are to be engraved to represent the 12 tribes, exactly how they are to enter and which animals are to used for sacrifices and what part is to be burnt there and what parts are to be removed and burnt. Everything is in exact detail down to who can enter, what their clothes are to look like, who is to wear what and if the wrong person enters and does not perform the exact ritual in the correct order he will be killed. It is very detailed and I have no idea how they ever remembered it all without cliff notes or something to remind them. But that God, literally, that we don't have to deal with that. Our freedom is such a blessing and I am not sure that I have ever truly realized it before today while reading that passage. We can pick up a bible and read it whenever and wherever we want. If you don't have one, there are programs and organizations that will give you one, or you can pick one up at most Christian bookstores for as little as $5 these days. It is amazing the freedom we have with no threat that we might be harmed or worse for the simple act of reading a bible in public. We have churches on every corner in every city, there are meetings and programs run by those churches on almost every night of the week with outreach programs. The list goes on and on. But still do we realize our freedom?
I was looking through a travel advisory today for a visit to Saudi Arabia for someone at my office who will be traveling later this month. The advisory, I suppose, is what really got this whole thought process going. To visit that country you are not allowed to take a bible or even wear a cross to show your love for a God that has sacrificed everything to give us these freedoms. Anything depicting the Christian religion is strictly forbidden. It did not say what the punishment would be if found, but I cannot think it would be pleasant. I know that they have a different set of beliefs, but at least in our country you are allowed to have a different belief and not fear persecution and or death for displaying it. With everything going through my head as of late, and all the static that I just can't shift through, the one thing that has remained constant is God. No matter what I might be dealing with, or not dealing with whatever the case may be, God is always there. I can turn to my bible and I can read and He gives me wisdom to make it through that moment. I can go to church and I don't have some archaic set of rules to follow before entering, He just meets me there no matter how I show up whether it be happy, sad, broken or hurting and I always leave in a better place than I showed up through the blessing of His grace and mercy. I have the freedom to read my bible, wear a shirt that may have a bible verse on it, or post a bible verse on facebook because it spoke to me and I felt it might be of benefit to others in some way. God provided a way for us to enter into His kingdom no matter where we are or what we have going on, and I am going to remind myself every day to be thankful for living in a country where I can be me and love God openly as much as He loves me.
I was trying to catch up on my reading today at lunch, because once again I am behind, and spent a good deal of time reading through Exodus in my bible. We all know the story of Exodus mostly thanks to Charlton Heston and his performance in the 10 Commandments. But have you ever spent time actually reading the book, studying the story as it is written? I was reading about God speaking to Moses while he is up on the mountain giving him all the rules on how the arc of the covenant is to be built, how the curtains are to be woven and sown and to what dimensions and then how they are to be attached, how every piece of wood is to be cut and with what metal it is to be covered, how every garment is to be made and which are to have stones on them and how they are to be engraved to represent the 12 tribes, exactly how they are to enter and which animals are to used for sacrifices and what part is to be burnt there and what parts are to be removed and burnt. Everything is in exact detail down to who can enter, what their clothes are to look like, who is to wear what and if the wrong person enters and does not perform the exact ritual in the correct order he will be killed. It is very detailed and I have no idea how they ever remembered it all without cliff notes or something to remind them. But that God, literally, that we don't have to deal with that. Our freedom is such a blessing and I am not sure that I have ever truly realized it before today while reading that passage. We can pick up a bible and read it whenever and wherever we want. If you don't have one, there are programs and organizations that will give you one, or you can pick one up at most Christian bookstores for as little as $5 these days. It is amazing the freedom we have with no threat that we might be harmed or worse for the simple act of reading a bible in public. We have churches on every corner in every city, there are meetings and programs run by those churches on almost every night of the week with outreach programs. The list goes on and on. But still do we realize our freedom?
I was looking through a travel advisory today for a visit to Saudi Arabia for someone at my office who will be traveling later this month. The advisory, I suppose, is what really got this whole thought process going. To visit that country you are not allowed to take a bible or even wear a cross to show your love for a God that has sacrificed everything to give us these freedoms. Anything depicting the Christian religion is strictly forbidden. It did not say what the punishment would be if found, but I cannot think it would be pleasant. I know that they have a different set of beliefs, but at least in our country you are allowed to have a different belief and not fear persecution and or death for displaying it. With everything going through my head as of late, and all the static that I just can't shift through, the one thing that has remained constant is God. No matter what I might be dealing with, or not dealing with whatever the case may be, God is always there. I can turn to my bible and I can read and He gives me wisdom to make it through that moment. I can go to church and I don't have some archaic set of rules to follow before entering, He just meets me there no matter how I show up whether it be happy, sad, broken or hurting and I always leave in a better place than I showed up through the blessing of His grace and mercy. I have the freedom to read my bible, wear a shirt that may have a bible verse on it, or post a bible verse on facebook because it spoke to me and I felt it might be of benefit to others in some way. God provided a way for us to enter into His kingdom no matter where we are or what we have going on, and I am going to remind myself every day to be thankful for living in a country where I can be me and love God openly as much as He loves me.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Walk on the beach
I did not realize when I left my house on Saturday morning that this would not only be a vacation and time to recharge my body, but it would also be a time for God to teach me a thing or two. Should have known with the way that my journey has been moving as of late.
After the wonderful lessons that God taught me earlier this week with the shells that were left in my path, I found myself feeling a little sorry for myself yesterday. I won't go into what got me into that frame of mind, but that is the best I can sum it up. I guess it is my impatience that lead me to this feeling and the fact that what others were receiving from God or the fact that I have not received what I have been praying for. We, as humans, are always good at giving out advice but not always the best at taking our own advice when the time comes. I can't tell you how many times I have told various friends in their times of need that what they are wanting (various needs) would happen but it would happen in God's time and not necessarily in their time. But when it comes to something that I am praying for and truly needing to the core of who I am, I don't want to wait. I don't want to realize that there might be a reason that I have not received what I am asking for yet just like I tell my friends when they begin to feel sorry for themselves or complain because they have been waiting for so long.
So tonight I decided to cheer myself up I would walk down to the beach by myself and look for "ghost" crabs. I don't know if any of you know what I am talking about, but at night if you take a flashlight and walk along the beach you will see little white crabs scurrying along the sand that you can tell only come out at night because they have no color whatsoever. I love walking by myself and just watching them scurry to and fro as they try to get out of the light from my flash light. Tonight they did not disappoint, they were everywhere. But they were not the only thing on that beach waiting for me. God was there waiting as well. He is not through with me this week it seems.
The raging waters would have swept us away. (Psalm 124:5 NIV)
Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 124:5, 8 NIV)
Yesterday and especially today the surf has been so strong you can't even get in the water. I tried to get in yesterday and got out pretty quickly because of the undertow. I am an excellent swimmer and I float like my own flotation device, but the current was too strong for me. Today the waves were crashing even stronger and I would not get in above my ankles. The waves were crashing so hard you could feel the percussion in your chest when it would crash. I was on the beach completely by myself which can be a little unnerving on its own when it is dark and you can't see out into the water or even a few feet in front of you down the beach. I found myself saying a little prayer to God that He is my protector and I trust Him to keep me safe while I take this walk along the beach. I was not thinking about anything, just walking and listening to the crashing waves until the water washed over my foot.
When that water washed over my foot it scared me. I know that is irrational since I was not standing in the surf and was well out of the reach of the dangerous undertow, but for that split second it scared me. And with that thought God came crashing into my thoughts. That water, those waves, and the pull of that water would teach me yet another lesson like it did just days before. As I stood on the top of a small rise that has been cut into the beach now because of Hurricane Isaac I was safe. I was standing on the firm land that is like standing on the firm word of God and standing firm in what He wants of me for my life. But just off that ledge is that boiling and turning water with that dangerous undertow. That water that would like nothing better than to pull me out to sea to a point that I could no longer touch bottom and have my feet on the foundation that God has provided for me. It was as if God was standing there telling me that water is like the world you live in. That turning boiling dangerous water is the world around you. Right now you can and should stand here on this safe ground that I have provided just like the safe ground I have provided you in my word. But unlike that water you have to walk back into the world when you leave here. Remember this water. Remember this moment and how dangerous this situation and the world you live in is to your walk with Me. Remember what that water would do to you if you did not have the safety of this land to stand on. That is what the world will do to you if you do not have My word in you, if you do not safeguard it in your heart and live by it every day in everything you do. Just like this water, the world will pull you in, tumble you in it's ugliness and strip from you the love and compassion that I have put into your heart. Safeguard Me and My word with your life. Keep the firm foundation always under your feet. There may be others who just jump in and roll with whatever comes at them, but you know what you should do. You know where your safety is, and your safety lies with Me and My word.
Meanwhile, God's firm foundation is as firm as ever, these sentences engraved on the stones: god knows who belongs to him. spurn evil, all you who name god as god. (2 Timothy 2:19 MSG)
Standing on that ledge with that angry water boiling and crashing beneath me I can't explain to you how at peace I felt. I will admit I still am craving the things I have been praying for and I will continue to search for them. But like a wise friend of mine said to me recently, He is using this time with me to teach me in a way that maybe He could not teach me if I had a lot of distraction around me. I work long hours and don't have much time on my own and if I get what I am asking for then that time would be even shorter. I need to understand that God knows better and as I always tell my friends, He will give you what you need and desire but it will be in His time.
After the wonderful lessons that God taught me earlier this week with the shells that were left in my path, I found myself feeling a little sorry for myself yesterday. I won't go into what got me into that frame of mind, but that is the best I can sum it up. I guess it is my impatience that lead me to this feeling and the fact that what others were receiving from God or the fact that I have not received what I have been praying for. We, as humans, are always good at giving out advice but not always the best at taking our own advice when the time comes. I can't tell you how many times I have told various friends in their times of need that what they are wanting (various needs) would happen but it would happen in God's time and not necessarily in their time. But when it comes to something that I am praying for and truly needing to the core of who I am, I don't want to wait. I don't want to realize that there might be a reason that I have not received what I am asking for yet just like I tell my friends when they begin to feel sorry for themselves or complain because they have been waiting for so long.
So tonight I decided to cheer myself up I would walk down to the beach by myself and look for "ghost" crabs. I don't know if any of you know what I am talking about, but at night if you take a flashlight and walk along the beach you will see little white crabs scurrying along the sand that you can tell only come out at night because they have no color whatsoever. I love walking by myself and just watching them scurry to and fro as they try to get out of the light from my flash light. Tonight they did not disappoint, they were everywhere. But they were not the only thing on that beach waiting for me. God was there waiting as well. He is not through with me this week it seems.
The raging waters would have swept us away. (Psalm 124:5 NIV)
Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 124:5, 8 NIV)
Yesterday and especially today the surf has been so strong you can't even get in the water. I tried to get in yesterday and got out pretty quickly because of the undertow. I am an excellent swimmer and I float like my own flotation device, but the current was too strong for me. Today the waves were crashing even stronger and I would not get in above my ankles. The waves were crashing so hard you could feel the percussion in your chest when it would crash. I was on the beach completely by myself which can be a little unnerving on its own when it is dark and you can't see out into the water or even a few feet in front of you down the beach. I found myself saying a little prayer to God that He is my protector and I trust Him to keep me safe while I take this walk along the beach. I was not thinking about anything, just walking and listening to the crashing waves until the water washed over my foot.
When that water washed over my foot it scared me. I know that is irrational since I was not standing in the surf and was well out of the reach of the dangerous undertow, but for that split second it scared me. And with that thought God came crashing into my thoughts. That water, those waves, and the pull of that water would teach me yet another lesson like it did just days before. As I stood on the top of a small rise that has been cut into the beach now because of Hurricane Isaac I was safe. I was standing on the firm land that is like standing on the firm word of God and standing firm in what He wants of me for my life. But just off that ledge is that boiling and turning water with that dangerous undertow. That water that would like nothing better than to pull me out to sea to a point that I could no longer touch bottom and have my feet on the foundation that God has provided for me. It was as if God was standing there telling me that water is like the world you live in. That turning boiling dangerous water is the world around you. Right now you can and should stand here on this safe ground that I have provided just like the safe ground I have provided you in my word. But unlike that water you have to walk back into the world when you leave here. Remember this water. Remember this moment and how dangerous this situation and the world you live in is to your walk with Me. Remember what that water would do to you if you did not have the safety of this land to stand on. That is what the world will do to you if you do not have My word in you, if you do not safeguard it in your heart and live by it every day in everything you do. Just like this water, the world will pull you in, tumble you in it's ugliness and strip from you the love and compassion that I have put into your heart. Safeguard Me and My word with your life. Keep the firm foundation always under your feet. There may be others who just jump in and roll with whatever comes at them, but you know what you should do. You know where your safety is, and your safety lies with Me and My word.
Meanwhile, God's firm foundation is as firm as ever, these sentences engraved on the stones: god knows who belongs to him. spurn evil, all you who name god as god. (2 Timothy 2:19 MSG)
Standing on that ledge with that angry water boiling and crashing beneath me I can't explain to you how at peace I felt. I will admit I still am craving the things I have been praying for and I will continue to search for them. But like a wise friend of mine said to me recently, He is using this time with me to teach me in a way that maybe He could not teach me if I had a lot of distraction around me. I work long hours and don't have much time on my own and if I get what I am asking for then that time would be even shorter. I need to understand that God knows better and as I always tell my friends, He will give you what you need and desire but it will be in His time.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Lessons from the Ocean
This week I am on vacation in one of the places I love the most, the beach. My time here gives me the ability to sit, stare at the ocean, think and of course walk up and down the shoreline looking for seashells. No matter how many I pick up I am always in search of that perfect shell. I know that the perfect one will be washed up on the shore the next time I walk down the same way I have walked every day numerous times already. That is ok though, because I am getting much needed exercise and because of this I learned a much needed lesson yesterday which to my surprise was further shown to me today.
Yesterday during one of my many treks down the beach looking for that perfect shell I finally found it. It wasn't large, but it was flawless and beautiful. I waded out into the water and retrieved it and turned it over and over in my hands marveling and the details in the ridges and how all the edges were still perfect after the beating it had gone through in the ocean. While standing there a thought hit me. I am standing in ankle deep water watching as the waves wash a variety of shells one, two or three at a time in to shore. There are a lot of them that have imperfections or that are just ordinary, but once in a while we get a perfect one. That this is like learning God's word. We read and stay in His word receiving understanding and knowledge as we read, but when the time is right He gives us a big revelation of knowledge or a big direction to our path or purpose. It is a stream of knowledge washing over us like the waves with a nice shell here and there, but when the time is right He delivers that perfect shell in the surf of His word. He keeps us sharp and grounded with His word, but knows that when the time is right we will be ready to receive and understand the bigger stuff.
Later in the same day I stumble upon another shell that, while in the sand, appears to be a rare find, a snail type shell that just doesn't usually wash up and lay there too long before someone gets it. I pull it from the sand only to find out that it is really no more than the edges of the outer shell with the center of it still intact. Yep, here too was a lesson learned as I almost dropped it back into the water. I wanted it when I thought it was a perfect beautiful shell, but when I realized that it was not perfect I started to discard it. I could tell it was old and weathered and this got me to thinking. This shell is kind of like us humans. We age and are not so perfect as we get older, but hopefully the core of who we are, who God intends us to be and has directed us through His word to be will still be intact like the center of this shell. I hope to be like this when I am old as well. I don't want to be just a pretty picture and be what people think I am or what they think I should be or look like. But I want to be what I am intended to be, what God has planned and intends for me to be. I won't mind if I am weathered, but I still want my core/spirit to have been protected to the point that it is still in tact. Just like that shell, the center was protected the longest and it survived when all around it became aged, damaged and broken.
The shells were carelessly thrown in my bag and by the time I got back to the room the beautiful delicate perfect shell was broken. The beautiful edge that I was admiring while standing in the surf for it's having survived being tumbled around in the ocean could not withstand 2 hours with me. And again, God continued to teach me. Just like His word that we read and attempt to safeguard in our hearts we tend to toss it in various bags in our lives and it too gets forgotten or broken. We do not take the time and care with His word that we should. God's word should be the guide of our lives and therefore should be remembered and protected just like I should have protected this shell. The shell is forever broken, but luckily when we meander away from the path God has chosen for us, or live outside God's word that break is not forever. We can always return to God. His word is always there and it never changes. Any damage we do can always be repaired unlike my beautiful shell (although it is still beautiful even if it is imperfect like me).
Today on my walk in the surf looking for shells I got out a little further and felt a little stronger undertow than I did yesterday. I realized then that God was not quite through with my lesson and was the reason I never got to blog this last night. Again the sand, shells and ocean made me think of us and His word. That water pulling on me made me think of where I am right now and how I am feeling. When you are seeking God and you are really wanting to know what He has for your life you want to read everything you can. The word pulls at you, your church pulls at you, your friends who are walking on this path with you pull at you, God pulls at you. It is all like that undertow. Standing in that water thinking about the shells and how they make me think of being in God's word, the worn out shell and it's lesson and the undertow and how ultimately I think I was supposed to learn that through it all if you are in God's word and you are truly seeking Him you will, at the center of your soul, feel that pull. Just like the water wanted to pull me out into the ocean God wants to pull me ever deeper into His word.
Thank you God for allowing me the quiet time on the beach alone with you to learn this lesson that I truly needed to learn right now. This journey has been difficult and it is taking a path I did not imagine, but in the end I will be in a place beyond any I could imagine. I am still trusting my journey and with the help of some good friends and trusting where God is leading I will make it.
Yesterday during one of my many treks down the beach looking for that perfect shell I finally found it. It wasn't large, but it was flawless and beautiful. I waded out into the water and retrieved it and turned it over and over in my hands marveling and the details in the ridges and how all the edges were still perfect after the beating it had gone through in the ocean. While standing there a thought hit me. I am standing in ankle deep water watching as the waves wash a variety of shells one, two or three at a time in to shore. There are a lot of them that have imperfections or that are just ordinary, but once in a while we get a perfect one. That this is like learning God's word. We read and stay in His word receiving understanding and knowledge as we read, but when the time is right He gives us a big revelation of knowledge or a big direction to our path or purpose. It is a stream of knowledge washing over us like the waves with a nice shell here and there, but when the time is right He delivers that perfect shell in the surf of His word. He keeps us sharp and grounded with His word, but knows that when the time is right we will be ready to receive and understand the bigger stuff.
Later in the same day I stumble upon another shell that, while in the sand, appears to be a rare find, a snail type shell that just doesn't usually wash up and lay there too long before someone gets it. I pull it from the sand only to find out that it is really no more than the edges of the outer shell with the center of it still intact. Yep, here too was a lesson learned as I almost dropped it back into the water. I wanted it when I thought it was a perfect beautiful shell, but when I realized that it was not perfect I started to discard it. I could tell it was old and weathered and this got me to thinking. This shell is kind of like us humans. We age and are not so perfect as we get older, but hopefully the core of who we are, who God intends us to be and has directed us through His word to be will still be intact like the center of this shell. I hope to be like this when I am old as well. I don't want to be just a pretty picture and be what people think I am or what they think I should be or look like. But I want to be what I am intended to be, what God has planned and intends for me to be. I won't mind if I am weathered, but I still want my core/spirit to have been protected to the point that it is still in tact. Just like that shell, the center was protected the longest and it survived when all around it became aged, damaged and broken.
The shells were carelessly thrown in my bag and by the time I got back to the room the beautiful delicate perfect shell was broken. The beautiful edge that I was admiring while standing in the surf for it's having survived being tumbled around in the ocean could not withstand 2 hours with me. And again, God continued to teach me. Just like His word that we read and attempt to safeguard in our hearts we tend to toss it in various bags in our lives and it too gets forgotten or broken. We do not take the time and care with His word that we should. God's word should be the guide of our lives and therefore should be remembered and protected just like I should have protected this shell. The shell is forever broken, but luckily when we meander away from the path God has chosen for us, or live outside God's word that break is not forever. We can always return to God. His word is always there and it never changes. Any damage we do can always be repaired unlike my beautiful shell (although it is still beautiful even if it is imperfect like me).
Today on my walk in the surf looking for shells I got out a little further and felt a little stronger undertow than I did yesterday. I realized then that God was not quite through with my lesson and was the reason I never got to blog this last night. Again the sand, shells and ocean made me think of us and His word. That water pulling on me made me think of where I am right now and how I am feeling. When you are seeking God and you are really wanting to know what He has for your life you want to read everything you can. The word pulls at you, your church pulls at you, your friends who are walking on this path with you pull at you, God pulls at you. It is all like that undertow. Standing in that water thinking about the shells and how they make me think of being in God's word, the worn out shell and it's lesson and the undertow and how ultimately I think I was supposed to learn that through it all if you are in God's word and you are truly seeking Him you will, at the center of your soul, feel that pull. Just like the water wanted to pull me out into the ocean God wants to pull me ever deeper into His word.
Thank you God for allowing me the quiet time on the beach alone with you to learn this lesson that I truly needed to learn right now. This journey has been difficult and it is taking a path I did not imagine, but in the end I will be in a place beyond any I could imagine. I am still trusting my journey and with the help of some good friends and trusting where God is leading I will make it.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Dreams
For God speaketh once, yea twice, yet man perceiveth it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then he openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction, (Job 33:14-16 KJV)
God gives us dreams. Or should I say that the bible tells us that He gives us dreams and therefore I know that He does. I see these dreams being manifest in people all around me. I see them being lived out in the lives of my friends. I see dreams being revealed at young ages and later in life, and it feels like everyone who is actively seeking a dream from God is receiving what they seek but me. I pray that God reveal His purpose in my life, and have spent a good deal of time in discussion and tears with a friend over this very subject. And now that I type this I realize just how impatient that makes me sound. Time to God is not the same time that we live in. Years to us is mere moments to Him. What might feel like a lifetime to me, He feels is nothing. And though I might feel I am sitting here begging to have a purpose revealed to me and not understanding why He is shaking His head and trying to reassure me like a child through His word because for whatever reason I am probably not ready. (I will explain all of this through my thoughts as they played out in the rest of this blog)
I read recently that all we need to realize our dreams is to have His light. I feel that I have His light but still can't see my dream. There are numerous accounts in the bible were men were given dreams that were larger than what they could possibly accomplish without divine intervention: Abraham, Noah, David and Joseph. It was even reported that Michelangelo once said. "Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish." I want more than anything to know my purpose, to know what God wants me to do...to find my dream. Is it that my imagination is not large enough? Is it that I don't know enough about God's word and kingdom yet? (probably, on His timeline I am a mere child and there is no telling what wonders He may have in line for me if I can just be patient) Am I keeping my dream from being revealed to me in some way?
The saying is true: Bad dreams come from too much worrying, and too many words come from foolish people. (Ecclesiastes 5:3 NCV)
Am I spending too much time thinking about it? I know that God spends many years sometimes grooming people in the jobs that they are in before he reveals to them their purpose or their dreams. Not everyone has their dream revealed to them when they are young. Should I just continue on my path learning more about Him, spending more time with His word and making sure that I am following the path that I feel He is leading me down and eventually my dream/purpose will be revealed? (Ding, ding, ding... Yes, you can see that I am finally getting the bigger picture as I work through my train of thought) Can I get through my whole life and never uncover my dream? I am afraid my dream is already in me and I am just to preoccupied or not aware enough to see it. I don't want to overlook the dream or desire that God has placed on my heart.
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, "In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay." (Hebrews 10:35-37 NIV)
And again I come back to the realization that I cannot put a time frame or stipulations on God. When God is ready to show me my dream and/or purpose it will be in His timing. Noah did not get his dream of building the ark until he was 500 and I don't remember him sitting and whining because God hadn't sent him a message of what his purpose on earth was. I don't need to be impatient. I need to be happy that God will be there to tell my dream when the time comes. I need to spend what time I have now helping those around me with the talents I have to move forward in their dreams and pursuits. When I know that they are following what is a truly God appointed dream and/or purpose than I should be happy to help them pursue that purpose and help them accomplish their dreams. Maybe that is my current purpose is to help and encourage them in their dreams and through that God will show me mine. Maybe God is trying to show me to be less ME centered and a little more God centered, a little more steward (I think that is the right word) centered. Maybe I don't have my dream yet because someone else has to accomplish theirs to help me move into mine. I guess what I am trying to get at and make myself understand is that I need to slow down and let God be God. Just sit in His presence and enjoy the beautiful time I am having with Him right now and be still When the time comes He will give me my dream/purpose.
Thank you Lord. I know that this has been rambling as I sit here in this cold hotel room in the quiet and work through these thoughts. I have been chewing on this for a couple of weeks now and just could not get past the whole idea that I was missing something, I was not doing something right, I was not praying the right prayer, or living correctly because God was looking me over. Thank you for visiting me while I sit here and work through some of this and realize that You are working on me and allowing me to be still and know you are God during this wonderful time of growth with my sister from another father (I won't say mother because mine loved her like her own). And if me helping her walk out her dream and purpose while she helps hold me together during my insane soul searching days where the tears just won't stop then I accept that. Again, Thank You God!!!
God gives us dreams. Or should I say that the bible tells us that He gives us dreams and therefore I know that He does. I see these dreams being manifest in people all around me. I see them being lived out in the lives of my friends. I see dreams being revealed at young ages and later in life, and it feels like everyone who is actively seeking a dream from God is receiving what they seek but me. I pray that God reveal His purpose in my life, and have spent a good deal of time in discussion and tears with a friend over this very subject. And now that I type this I realize just how impatient that makes me sound. Time to God is not the same time that we live in. Years to us is mere moments to Him. What might feel like a lifetime to me, He feels is nothing. And though I might feel I am sitting here begging to have a purpose revealed to me and not understanding why He is shaking His head and trying to reassure me like a child through His word because for whatever reason I am probably not ready. (I will explain all of this through my thoughts as they played out in the rest of this blog)
I read recently that all we need to realize our dreams is to have His light. I feel that I have His light but still can't see my dream. There are numerous accounts in the bible were men were given dreams that were larger than what they could possibly accomplish without divine intervention: Abraham, Noah, David and Joseph. It was even reported that Michelangelo once said. "Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish." I want more than anything to know my purpose, to know what God wants me to do...to find my dream. Is it that my imagination is not large enough? Is it that I don't know enough about God's word and kingdom yet? (probably, on His timeline I am a mere child and there is no telling what wonders He may have in line for me if I can just be patient) Am I keeping my dream from being revealed to me in some way?
The saying is true: Bad dreams come from too much worrying, and too many words come from foolish people. (Ecclesiastes 5:3 NCV)
Am I spending too much time thinking about it? I know that God spends many years sometimes grooming people in the jobs that they are in before he reveals to them their purpose or their dreams. Not everyone has their dream revealed to them when they are young. Should I just continue on my path learning more about Him, spending more time with His word and making sure that I am following the path that I feel He is leading me down and eventually my dream/purpose will be revealed? (Ding, ding, ding... Yes, you can see that I am finally getting the bigger picture as I work through my train of thought) Can I get through my whole life and never uncover my dream? I am afraid my dream is already in me and I am just to preoccupied or not aware enough to see it. I don't want to overlook the dream or desire that God has placed on my heart.
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For, "In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay." (Hebrews 10:35-37 NIV)
And again I come back to the realization that I cannot put a time frame or stipulations on God. When God is ready to show me my dream and/or purpose it will be in His timing. Noah did not get his dream of building the ark until he was 500 and I don't remember him sitting and whining because God hadn't sent him a message of what his purpose on earth was. I don't need to be impatient. I need to be happy that God will be there to tell my dream when the time comes. I need to spend what time I have now helping those around me with the talents I have to move forward in their dreams and pursuits. When I know that they are following what is a truly God appointed dream and/or purpose than I should be happy to help them pursue that purpose and help them accomplish their dreams. Maybe that is my current purpose is to help and encourage them in their dreams and through that God will show me mine. Maybe God is trying to show me to be less ME centered and a little more God centered, a little more steward (I think that is the right word) centered. Maybe I don't have my dream yet because someone else has to accomplish theirs to help me move into mine. I guess what I am trying to get at and make myself understand is that I need to slow down and let God be God. Just sit in His presence and enjoy the beautiful time I am having with Him right now and be still When the time comes He will give me my dream/purpose.
Thank you Lord. I know that this has been rambling as I sit here in this cold hotel room in the quiet and work through these thoughts. I have been chewing on this for a couple of weeks now and just could not get past the whole idea that I was missing something, I was not doing something right, I was not praying the right prayer, or living correctly because God was looking me over. Thank you for visiting me while I sit here and work through some of this and realize that You are working on me and allowing me to be still and know you are God during this wonderful time of growth with my sister from another father (I won't say mother because mine loved her like her own). And if me helping her walk out her dream and purpose while she helps hold me together during my insane soul searching days where the tears just won't stop then I accept that. Again, Thank You God!!!
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