Hypocrite or Disappointment?
What am I doing?
I started this blog earlier in the week because that was how I was feeling, but did not get a chance to finish what I wanted to write. So many things have happened since then, so many tears have fallen (good and bad) so many things have been learned and so many revelations have been revealed.
Let me go back and write about some of the things that were on my mind when I started and see where this takes me when it ends since I am not certain myself where that will go and this is coming to me completely freestyle.
Last week in church we were talking about the birth and death of Jesus and what stuck with me as I drove home was His crucifixion. I have 45 minutes to ride home by myself and I tend to reflect on what we discussed so it gives me a little time to reflect. I got to thinking about what our pastor said about Jesus' crucifixion and what He had to endure which lead me to think about myself and my journey. I ask God for his strength every day to help me with my journey. And as I have said before in this blog I feel at times that He gives it to me and He has even delivered me from my addiction (I will get to that later). The pain that Jesus had to withstand when He was being crucified is beyond anything that most of us as humans will ever be asked to endure or physically comprehend, and He did it willingly. He knew what was coming but yet He did it. He could have said no, He could have told God that He needed to find someone better for the job, but no, knowing what was in store for Him, He still did it. But here I sit asking for His strength every morning and every night when I go to bed and numerous times during the day when I struggle but yet I still turn my back on Him when He gives it. I take what He gives for granted and don't take advantage of His gift as I should. How devastating must I be to God that Jesus can withstand that pain but I don't utilize the one thing that I ask for because it is too hard? It does not cause me pain, it is just a little difficult. How much of a disappointment I must be to God that He gives me the strength that I ask for but I put it down and turn my back on Him because I might have to step outside my comfort zone or I might have to give something material up? Jesus did not turn His back and he was asked to do the unthinkable. How much pain do I inflict on God when I can't do what He asks of me for just one day? Who am I to ask for that strength when it is obvious that I am not truly meaning it because I do not use it for the purpose He is giving it. I thought I had this at one point, and if I did, how do I get back there? If I never did, how do I find it? I don't ever want to show God the back of my head ever again. I don't want to show God the disrespect of asking for His strength and then turning my back on Him as if He never responded or I never asked. I show my boss at work more respect than I show the King of Kings. I want God to smile and think of me, she is devoted and always follows what I tell her, and not cringe when He thinks of me as that is the girl who keeps turning her back on me every time I try to help her. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, the person that I have not tapped into yet.
The bible says that when Jesus was crucified the heavens fell silent, I am not certain that my actions are even worth of a pause.
Which leads me to today. I went to a women's retreat today and heard many truths that I needed to hear. One of the things that resonated was the fact that if we are to "Live Forward" we have to let go of our past. Like a person walking around carrying a literal bag, we carry our past with us and as long as it is with us, it is pulling us down and keeping us from our full potential. I have been walking around carrying a lot of baggage with me in regards to my eating and my weight. I am carrying baggage in regards to a lot of other things (some that were revealed or addressed today) as well, but I am sure I will touch on them later. But just in regard to my journey right now and the addiction to food. I know I have to let go of my death grip I have on my need for that comfort I get from my food. There is comfort available to me and God is standing there ready and willing to give me all the comfort I need. All I need to do is ask and actually take it and use it. Am I a disappointment or a hypocrite for asking for God's help and then turning my back on Him. No, I don't think so. I think that God knows where I am. He knows what I need. He knows the depth of my hurt. He knows what it will take to heal me. And no matter how many times I turn my back on Him, even though the thought of that breaks my heart and makes me feel like the worst of His children, He does not see me that way. He sees me as His beautiful child that is learning a lesson and needs this time to grow.
Today was an amazing day of learning and growing. I am still absorbing what was said and I am sure that I will share some of that on another post when I have had time to truly let it sink in and become part of me. Thank you God for the work you are doing on me.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Two journeys as one...
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
You know, it is funny that this would be the verse that would be given to me this morning. I went to bed last night in tears begging God to help me. Help me on more levels than I think that I even know that I need help. But the one that I keep returning to is my eating - the journey that started this whole blog. The steps that started me down this road. The decision that I made after returning from our trip at Christmas determined to do better, be better, be healthier because I had no idea how many more second chances I was going to be given. Having no idea when I walked into that Weight Watchers building that I would not only start shedding weight but I would start opening up a part of my heart and soul that had been closed off to God for some time. I did not realize at the time that it had been closed to begin with when, where or even why. I guess it is like the exercise equipment that we all have in our houses. When you first get them you are on fire and are using them every day. You are all about your exercise equipment and how it is changing you and your body and making you into a better person. But over time you get used to the equipment, you think you know better, and you start using them less and less and eventually they become nothing more than a place to hang your clothing. I am ashamed to say that God had become my spiritual clothing rack. I still believed and I still talked about God whenever the subject came up, but I had stopped going to church and I had stopped searching for Him and longing for Him. Something changed within me. I don't know the exact place or time. I don't know where along this journey the transformation happened, but my quest for weight loss and my desire to draw closer to God became intertwined and I cannot see one without seeing the other any longer. I can't differentiate my weight loss journey from my God journey. I guess that is what God had in mind all along and I just had to grow up to understand. Maybe that is why all of my attempts to lose weight when I was younger never worked. Maybe I was not mature enough to "get it". But I can't see how I could ever continue with one of these journeys without the other being a part of it.
Which makes me ponder a statement I made on June 28th in one of my blogs. I made the statement that God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know that on that date I truly believed that. If you were to ask me today if I believed it on that date I would say, well I did on the 28th. Do I think God would deliver me and then take the gift away from me? No. Do I think I was deceived to make me falter? I don't know. Was I being cocky and overconfident and had really not been delivered? Maybe. But on that date I truly felt like I had been delivered from the food addiction that I have been living under my entire memorable life. I don't think I would feel that way to the core of who I am and it not be true. I think the more real possibility is that I have been delivered and after realizing it my sinful human self got in the way as it has so many times before. I was afraid to speak the words. Superstitions, that I do not truly believe in typically made me cringe after I typed that blog. I was afraid I would "jinx" it. I have to change how I think. I could not just sit back and let God be God. If God did in fact deliver me from my addiction then it means that He washed me of my sin in regards to that addiction at the same time. He has forgiven as I have begged Him to do over and over. If I do not accept that and accept the deliverance and claim it as my own then I cheapen the fact that Jesus shed His blood to do so. How horrible and conceited an idea is that. Why wouldn't Jesus forgive me and deliver me? Am I, a child of God, not worthy? I know that I don't act as if I am most of the time, but the bible teaches us that we are all worthy of His forgiveness. And if I have turned my back after he did deliver me and returned to my old ways, which I am ashamed to admit that I have, can I reclaim it? I want more than anything to reclaim His deliverance. I will continue to pray that is exactly what happens until I am secure in the knowledge that it is exactly where I am. I want deliverance from my addiction. The deliverance that I feel I received on the 28th of June and then turned my back on. If I can be blessed enough to be given a second chance just one more time.
-Lord, I will not get tangled up again! I am staying free!!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." James 1:2
You know, it is funny that this would be the verse that would be given to me this morning. I went to bed last night in tears begging God to help me. Help me on more levels than I think that I even know that I need help. But the one that I keep returning to is my eating - the journey that started this whole blog. The steps that started me down this road. The decision that I made after returning from our trip at Christmas determined to do better, be better, be healthier because I had no idea how many more second chances I was going to be given. Having no idea when I walked into that Weight Watchers building that I would not only start shedding weight but I would start opening up a part of my heart and soul that had been closed off to God for some time. I did not realize at the time that it had been closed to begin with when, where or even why. I guess it is like the exercise equipment that we all have in our houses. When you first get them you are on fire and are using them every day. You are all about your exercise equipment and how it is changing you and your body and making you into a better person. But over time you get used to the equipment, you think you know better, and you start using them less and less and eventually they become nothing more than a place to hang your clothing. I am ashamed to say that God had become my spiritual clothing rack. I still believed and I still talked about God whenever the subject came up, but I had stopped going to church and I had stopped searching for Him and longing for Him. Something changed within me. I don't know the exact place or time. I don't know where along this journey the transformation happened, but my quest for weight loss and my desire to draw closer to God became intertwined and I cannot see one without seeing the other any longer. I can't differentiate my weight loss journey from my God journey. I guess that is what God had in mind all along and I just had to grow up to understand. Maybe that is why all of my attempts to lose weight when I was younger never worked. Maybe I was not mature enough to "get it". But I can't see how I could ever continue with one of these journeys without the other being a part of it.
Which makes me ponder a statement I made on June 28th in one of my blogs. I made the statement that God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know that on that date I truly believed that. If you were to ask me today if I believed it on that date I would say, well I did on the 28th. Do I think God would deliver me and then take the gift away from me? No. Do I think I was deceived to make me falter? I don't know. Was I being cocky and overconfident and had really not been delivered? Maybe. But on that date I truly felt like I had been delivered from the food addiction that I have been living under my entire memorable life. I don't think I would feel that way to the core of who I am and it not be true. I think the more real possibility is that I have been delivered and after realizing it my sinful human self got in the way as it has so many times before. I was afraid to speak the words. Superstitions, that I do not truly believe in typically made me cringe after I typed that blog. I was afraid I would "jinx" it. I have to change how I think. I could not just sit back and let God be God. If God did in fact deliver me from my addiction then it means that He washed me of my sin in regards to that addiction at the same time. He has forgiven as I have begged Him to do over and over. If I do not accept that and accept the deliverance and claim it as my own then I cheapen the fact that Jesus shed His blood to do so. How horrible and conceited an idea is that. Why wouldn't Jesus forgive me and deliver me? Am I, a child of God, not worthy? I know that I don't act as if I am most of the time, but the bible teaches us that we are all worthy of His forgiveness. And if I have turned my back after he did deliver me and returned to my old ways, which I am ashamed to admit that I have, can I reclaim it? I want more than anything to reclaim His deliverance. I will continue to pray that is exactly what happens until I am secure in the knowledge that it is exactly where I am. I want deliverance from my addiction. The deliverance that I feel I received on the 28th of June and then turned my back on. If I can be blessed enough to be given a second chance just one more time.
-Lord, I will not get tangled up again! I am staying free!!!
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." James 1:2
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Soar Like Wings of Eagles
I don't even know where to start. God is working out so much in me right now that go beyond where I thought this was blog or my journey was going when I started. I started this just about my weight loss. But as time goes on, He has started using it to move me into a closer relationship with Him. I have been a believer for many years and gave my life over to him in my early 20's, but over the last few years have felt a distance grow between us. He has been revealing things to me through this journey that whether I am ready for them or not, they are there.
I as I write this I realize that there has been a flood of emotions going through me since the last time I blogged anything. I have not been able to bring myself to do much of anything other than to throw myself down and beg God to show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. Please just show me what and where my next move should be.
Since I last wrote I went on a wonderful trip to Florida. I am always in awe of God's beauty when I am on or near the water. I am not a talented writer and cannot truly put into words the awe I feel at His grand design when I sit on that beach and just absorb is grandeur. To look out over that great expanse at what appears to be a barren wasteland when in reality it is teeming just beneath the surface with a whole world of unseen and wondrous life. Just as we have a world above and outside the water that functions dependently each to one another and every animal has a part and each works with the other in His intricate design, there is another, yet different world that He created to live beneath the water. Different worlds that, though they don't appear to be, are intricately intertwined with one another in many ways and at many points. I could sit there and marvel at the sunrise, sunset and every bird, fish and creepy crawly animal in between. I have to thank God every time I am given even a day to sit and enjoy time in a chair enjoying an ocean breeze.
But unfortunately closely following my vacation came heartache. On the 21st of this month my house was broken into and almost every item that had value, sentimental and sale able value, was stolen. That morning was like any other morning. I went to work as did my husband. But as I was returning to work after having lunch with a friend I got a call that shattered my day and my feeling of safety. Dane came home to find my jewelry box open and empty. Everything was gone. They got many other items, but the items in my jewelry box are the items that hurt me the most. I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that began rolling through me. The only thing I could think was that my mother's wedding rings were in there. My mother whose death still weighs heavy on me many days. How could they take my mother's wedding rings? How could anyone be so cruel?
After many tears, feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, and not understanding why, I think I am finally getting on the other side of it. I can truly say that although I wish that this never happened, I would also never wish this on anyone. I have prayed numerous times that through the grace of God I will somehow get my mother's jewelry and Dane will get his father's wedding ring back. But through this whole ordeal I have been drawn closer to God. Through my pain and tears He has been talking to me and trying to comfort me as only He can. I will share with you a couple of verses that I feel where given to me to hold on to until I have made it completely to the other side. I still have my moments, and I am still checking our doors a couple times each at night. But I feel God has told me I will be ok. The items were material. I may not get my mom's rings back, but I will get better than that, I will see her again one day and that is what I have to hang onto.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 NIV)
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "(1 Peter 1:6, 7 NIV)
And though God has been working on my anger and my hurt, my eating has been out of control. I guess I thought that it was ok since I was having such a hard time. I should only have to deal with one thing at a time right? I have been struggling since that day to find my way back on the path of my journey. I have gained a little weight, but not a bunch. I am still not eating the way that I should, but I did read something that helped me make a decision that I had to come to...
"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you, or you can lit it strengthen you."
So I decided that I would let this strengthen me. I have decided to allow God to teach me through this and to give me the knowledge and wings that I will need to move on. I cannot make it down this path on my own, but I will make it over the obstacles that are currently sitting in my path. I am not completely over it and I still, no matter how I try not to, will mourn the fact that my mother's rings are gone. But I am getting better day by day. Soon I will be firmly back on my path and with God's strength my weight will begin to make it's way back down again. But I have to continue to take it one day at a time. I have to continue to ask for God's strength as I have been doing since day one. It is just that now I need Him more than I ever did before. I need Him to protect me on my path, give me strength and heal me all at the same time. But, my God is an awesome God and He can do all of this and more. It is only us that put limits on what He can do.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30, 31 NIV)
Thank you God for never giving up on me even when I give up on me from time to time.
I as I write this I realize that there has been a flood of emotions going through me since the last time I blogged anything. I have not been able to bring myself to do much of anything other than to throw myself down and beg God to show me where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. Please just show me what and where my next move should be.
Since I last wrote I went on a wonderful trip to Florida. I am always in awe of God's beauty when I am on or near the water. I am not a talented writer and cannot truly put into words the awe I feel at His grand design when I sit on that beach and just absorb is grandeur. To look out over that great expanse at what appears to be a barren wasteland when in reality it is teeming just beneath the surface with a whole world of unseen and wondrous life. Just as we have a world above and outside the water that functions dependently each to one another and every animal has a part and each works with the other in His intricate design, there is another, yet different world that He created to live beneath the water. Different worlds that, though they don't appear to be, are intricately intertwined with one another in many ways and at many points. I could sit there and marvel at the sunrise, sunset and every bird, fish and creepy crawly animal in between. I have to thank God every time I am given even a day to sit and enjoy time in a chair enjoying an ocean breeze.
But unfortunately closely following my vacation came heartache. On the 21st of this month my house was broken into and almost every item that had value, sentimental and sale able value, was stolen. That morning was like any other morning. I went to work as did my husband. But as I was returning to work after having lunch with a friend I got a call that shattered my day and my feeling of safety. Dane came home to find my jewelry box open and empty. Everything was gone. They got many other items, but the items in my jewelry box are the items that hurt me the most. I can't begin to describe to you the feelings that began rolling through me. The only thing I could think was that my mother's wedding rings were in there. My mother whose death still weighs heavy on me many days. How could they take my mother's wedding rings? How could anyone be so cruel?
After many tears, feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, and not understanding why, I think I am finally getting on the other side of it. I can truly say that although I wish that this never happened, I would also never wish this on anyone. I have prayed numerous times that through the grace of God I will somehow get my mother's jewelry and Dane will get his father's wedding ring back. But through this whole ordeal I have been drawn closer to God. Through my pain and tears He has been talking to me and trying to comfort me as only He can. I will share with you a couple of verses that I feel where given to me to hold on to until I have made it completely to the other side. I still have my moments, and I am still checking our doors a couple times each at night. But I feel God has told me I will be ok. The items were material. I may not get my mom's rings back, but I will get better than that, I will see her again one day and that is what I have to hang onto.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 NIV)
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. "(1 Peter 1:6, 7 NIV)
And though God has been working on my anger and my hurt, my eating has been out of control. I guess I thought that it was ok since I was having such a hard time. I should only have to deal with one thing at a time right? I have been struggling since that day to find my way back on the path of my journey. I have gained a little weight, but not a bunch. I am still not eating the way that I should, but I did read something that helped me make a decision that I had to come to...
"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you, or you can lit it strengthen you."
So I decided that I would let this strengthen me. I have decided to allow God to teach me through this and to give me the knowledge and wings that I will need to move on. I cannot make it down this path on my own, but I will make it over the obstacles that are currently sitting in my path. I am not completely over it and I still, no matter how I try not to, will mourn the fact that my mother's rings are gone. But I am getting better day by day. Soon I will be firmly back on my path and with God's strength my weight will begin to make it's way back down again. But I have to continue to take it one day at a time. I have to continue to ask for God's strength as I have been doing since day one. It is just that now I need Him more than I ever did before. I need Him to protect me on my path, give me strength and heal me all at the same time. But, my God is an awesome God and He can do all of this and more. It is only us that put limits on what He can do.
"Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:30, 31 NIV)
Thank you God for never giving up on me even when I give up on me from time to time.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Teach you in the way you should go.
I cannot say that I feel any better today than I did last night. I did not sleep much and what I did get was not restful. I am having difficulty focusing on anything and I still feel as though I am untethered and mostly all around anchored. I don't know how to reach out and ask for help because I don't really know how to put my innermost feelings into words. But I am struggling. My journey is taking a side street that I did not see coming, a detour that has been unfortunately unavoidable. I trust that it will soon return to the main and well worn paths that I have come to know and to trust so that I can at least get through this uncertain time. So much has been thrown at me in in the last few weeks that I just don't know how to adequately process it all or know how to put the feelings away where they belong. As Machelle said to me last night, I am not even certain that I have allowed myself the time or the permission to truly run through all the emotions that I am feeling.
But one thing I do know is that God will not leave me. I might not be able to hear him or feel Him right now, but He is still there. I opened my online bible at lunch today and the verse of the day spoke volumes in proof of that fact. As I have been crying out and praying that God show me the way back to my path, or a new path if that is what He is wanting for me. Just please let me know what I am supposed to be doing, feeling or...anything. This is what I find when I clicked on that program...
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will council you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8.
Those who truly know me know that I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. That is not the verse of the day by accident. I have been praying and crying out for some guidance. Maybe God is trying to tell me that my guidance is coming but I have to get through this valley of mourning and sorrow before he is able to move me beyond where I am. I am miserable and unable to feel joy right now, but perhaps that is exactly where I am supposed to be. I will continue to pray that God leads me out of this valley and onto a brighter day and restores my steps on this journey that I have begun. I am not ready to throw the towel in and I know he won't throw the towel in on me.
For those of you who may read this and are of a praying nature. Please pray that God will help me through this time. I am not ready to be let loose on this journey and still need him to hold my hand. I am desperate to feel His presence and His strength as He guides me down the right path and I continue on my way through this journey. I am still trusting my journey but have momentarily stopped waiting until I can see the path again.
But one thing I do know is that God will not leave me. I might not be able to hear him or feel Him right now, but He is still there. I opened my online bible at lunch today and the verse of the day spoke volumes in proof of that fact. As I have been crying out and praying that God show me the way back to my path, or a new path if that is what He is wanting for me. Just please let me know what I am supposed to be doing, feeling or...anything. This is what I find when I clicked on that program...
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will council you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8.
Those who truly know me know that I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. That is not the verse of the day by accident. I have been praying and crying out for some guidance. Maybe God is trying to tell me that my guidance is coming but I have to get through this valley of mourning and sorrow before he is able to move me beyond where I am. I am miserable and unable to feel joy right now, but perhaps that is exactly where I am supposed to be. I will continue to pray that God leads me out of this valley and onto a brighter day and restores my steps on this journey that I have begun. I am not ready to throw the towel in and I know he won't throw the towel in on me.
For those of you who may read this and are of a praying nature. Please pray that God will help me through this time. I am not ready to be let loose on this journey and still need him to hold my hand. I am desperate to feel His presence and His strength as He guides me down the right path and I continue on my way through this journey. I am still trusting my journey but have momentarily stopped waiting until I can see the path again.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Need a lamp unto my feet
I feel lost. I feel like the light has been extinguished that has been illuminating the path to my journey. I feel as if I am in a cave with only the touch of my hands to feel along the walls in total darkness to find my way out. I ultimately know where I want to go, but I have no idea on how to get there. I am at a loss on how to find the path I was walking so confidently just weeks ago. As soon as I get an obstacle behind me another pops up in front of me and they seem to be getting bigger and nastier every time they arrive. And this one feels like it is larger than I can maneuver around.
I have been praying, reading and trying to seek what God is trying to show me but it does not feel like our lines of communication are still open. I have no idea what lesson I am supposed to be learning or if I am to be changing my direction from my current path. Have I done something to cut our line of communication? Am I missing something? The void between us feels like the Grand Canyon right now.
Two weeks ago my cousin died unexpectedly. Three days ago someone broke into my house and stole everything of value from my house and some of the things that had extreme sentimental value. Both of these things rattled me to the core. I have faith that God will see me through this in the end, but right now I just don't know how or what my next move is. I am stumbling and wandering numb and alone in search of some sign to show me the way. Lord please show me which direction I am to go. Please show me how to find the path to my journey again since I have been so lost for what seems like forever. I miss the closeness I felt with you. I miss the comfort I felt while I was slowly following my journey with you. Please Lord help me to set my compass back right. I do not enjoy the way I am feeling and have been feeling. I really need some joy in my life again.
I have been praying, reading and trying to seek what God is trying to show me but it does not feel like our lines of communication are still open. I have no idea what lesson I am supposed to be learning or if I am to be changing my direction from my current path. Have I done something to cut our line of communication? Am I missing something? The void between us feels like the Grand Canyon right now.
Two weeks ago my cousin died unexpectedly. Three days ago someone broke into my house and stole everything of value from my house and some of the things that had extreme sentimental value. Both of these things rattled me to the core. I have faith that God will see me through this in the end, but right now I just don't know how or what my next move is. I am stumbling and wandering numb and alone in search of some sign to show me the way. Lord please show me which direction I am to go. Please show me how to find the path to my journey again since I have been so lost for what seems like forever. I miss the closeness I felt with you. I miss the comfort I felt while I was slowly following my journey with you. Please Lord help me to set my compass back right. I do not enjoy the way I am feeling and have been feeling. I really need some joy in my life again.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Not letting God down?
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
I just read this verse in a book I am reading. I can't explain the feeling that this gives me as I continue to move forward on my journey and as I look back on where I have been. I think one of the things that haunts me when I make bad food choices or when I gain or don't loose weight is that I have disappointed God. I ask for His strength every day to get me through this day and thank Him every night for protecting me and providing me the tools I needed that day. But during some days I make my own decisions to eat however I chose and in turn disappoint Him. It is one thing to disappoint myself or to disappoint my WW buddy or even my leader at the meeting, but it is a whole other thing to disappoint God. I have disappointed myself many times in the past when trying to lose weight so I know what that feels like. Usually that is followed by me giving up and gaining the weight back. But disappointing God... that is something different all together. Don't get me wrong. I know that God realizes that we are human and at the very core of who we are we are sinful people and that He forgives us when we ask for forgiveness. But I know what it felt like to disappoint my father. I never wanted to disappoint my father when he was alive. That was the last thing in the world I ever wanted to see, was the look of disappointment on his face. I think I could stand anger and a beating many times over the look of disappointment. So why and how can I continue to disappoint God? Why do I consciously make the decisions I do to walk out from under His protection and walk my own path when He has a protected path laid out for me? That is why I am on this journey. That is why I continue to read, blog and pray so that I can figure that answer out and find out how this works for me. I think I will also keep this verse close to me to remind me that He always holds me up.
Never before on any previous journey have I asked Him to help me. Never before have I prayed daily and throughout the day that He give me strength to just get me through. Never have I been so diligent about the fact that I alone do not have the strength to do this. I will surely fail, but with His strength I think I can make it. I don't know where I will be a year from now. I don't know what I will weigh or what I will look like, but I know that God is working on me and I know that my faith and soul won't look the same, He is making sure of that.
In the book I am reading she asks, following the verse I listed at the top, how can you let God down when you weren't hold Him up? I will have to think on that one. But while I am, I will continue to Trust My Journey.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
I just read this verse in a book I am reading. I can't explain the feeling that this gives me as I continue to move forward on my journey and as I look back on where I have been. I think one of the things that haunts me when I make bad food choices or when I gain or don't loose weight is that I have disappointed God. I ask for His strength every day to get me through this day and thank Him every night for protecting me and providing me the tools I needed that day. But during some days I make my own decisions to eat however I chose and in turn disappoint Him. It is one thing to disappoint myself or to disappoint my WW buddy or even my leader at the meeting, but it is a whole other thing to disappoint God. I have disappointed myself many times in the past when trying to lose weight so I know what that feels like. Usually that is followed by me giving up and gaining the weight back. But disappointing God... that is something different all together. Don't get me wrong. I know that God realizes that we are human and at the very core of who we are we are sinful people and that He forgives us when we ask for forgiveness. But I know what it felt like to disappoint my father. I never wanted to disappoint my father when he was alive. That was the last thing in the world I ever wanted to see, was the look of disappointment on his face. I think I could stand anger and a beating many times over the look of disappointment. So why and how can I continue to disappoint God? Why do I consciously make the decisions I do to walk out from under His protection and walk my own path when He has a protected path laid out for me? That is why I am on this journey. That is why I continue to read, blog and pray so that I can figure that answer out and find out how this works for me. I think I will also keep this verse close to me to remind me that He always holds me up.
Never before on any previous journey have I asked Him to help me. Never before have I prayed daily and throughout the day that He give me strength to just get me through. Never have I been so diligent about the fact that I alone do not have the strength to do this. I will surely fail, but with His strength I think I can make it. I don't know where I will be a year from now. I don't know what I will weigh or what I will look like, but I know that God is working on me and I know that my faith and soul won't look the same, He is making sure of that.
In the book I am reading she asks, following the verse I listed at the top, how can you let God down when you weren't hold Him up? I will have to think on that one. But while I am, I will continue to Trust My Journey.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Monday, July 16, 2012
Just a little Lost
A friend of mine put this on his facebook recently, "The more intensely we feel about an idea or goal, the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment." I too believe this is true. As much as I am struggling right now I do believe this is true. I just have to figure out how to reach that goal and beat back the human side of me that is trying every way possibl to sabatage this journey I am trying to follow.
When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement. It was a statement that I was afraid to make. I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways. I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss. I felt I had to do it. I had to state that it was mine or it never would be. I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it. Well, I was happy to say that I continued. I was getting stronger. Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW). I was moving right along. I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky. I was proud of myself. I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds. I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world. If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling? Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?
The last post I made I stated what I was feeling. I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not? I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me. I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it. So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone. It was no longer controlling my day. I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to. I do feel that God has brought me this far. I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce. But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing. Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot. I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back. I feel lost and incomplete. I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for. I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago. I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this." Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control. I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.
The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better. That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go. I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today.
I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed. One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway. "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart." I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel.
I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippian 3:12
You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say. Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.
When I first started this journey and especially when I first started this blog I made a statement. It was a statement that I was afraid to make. I thought if I made the statement then my weight loss would stop and I would return to my old ways. I claimed this journey as my own, I claimed this weight loss. I felt I had to do it. I had to state that it was mine or it never would be. I was terrified because I felt if I said it outloud to myself or anyone else then I would "jinx" it. Well, I was happy to say that I continued. I was getting stronger. Each week it seemed that I would cross another bridge or accomplish something else that I had never done before while on Weight Watchers (WW). I was moving right along. I guess you might even say I was getting a bit cocky. I was proud of myself. I had never made it past a couple of weeks at WW before and here I was on my second book and well into 20 something weeks, and I surely had never lost any real amount of weight and I was up to 40 pounds. I was on top of the world, heck I felt I could take on the world. If one statement that I was afraid to make didn't stop me, why not make the next one I was feeling? Why not proclaim it from the roof tops?
The last post I made I stated what I was feeling. I have had God with me through this whole journey so why not? I have relied on His strength to guide me and to help me. I know that it is not me that has gotten me through any of it, because I have proven a hundred times I can't do it. So the last time I blogged I stated that I felt like God had delivered me from my food addiction. I know, that I will always have some issues with food, but the constant pressure that it used to have on me was gone. It was no longer controlling my day. I was looking at food more as sustenance and not as pleasure and something I turned to. I do feel that God has brought me this far. I do believe that it is only through God that I have lost a single ounce. But I also feel that my human side has reared it's ugly head and caused me to brag about what is going on and how good I am doing. Needless to say that every since the day that I posted that blog my control has been shot. I feel that I am back at square one and can't figure out how to get back. I feel lost and incomplete. I feel like I am searching and don't exactly know what I am searching for. I have been making bad food choices that I would never have done 2 or 3 months ago. I am having to search back deep within me and bring myself back in line with where I should be and return to relying on God's strength instead of pushing Him to the backseat and telling him "no, I got this." Because let's face it, I stated it correctly when I say my control. I think I got to the point I was not asking for God's help and so He did not give it.
The best way I can describe how I feel is when you know you have hurt someone's feelings and you don't know how to approach them to make it better. That is how I feel and I am not certain where to go. I am back on the program today and praying for God's strength to get me through today.
I also started a devotional today that I have had on my bookself, helping noone with the cover closed. One paragraph really spoke to me and helps point me in the direction that I have been heading anyway. "Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart." I am not sure where I will end up or where this journey will ultimately lead me, but it is a journey that I will continue to travel.
I guess I already knew that when this verse jumped out at me yesterday in church.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippian 3:12
You never know where God is going to speak to you, or just what He might say. Struggling to trust my journey, but trusting it just the same.
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